I think Santa Is A Woman!
I hate to be the
one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it.
Christmas is a
big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough
time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of
men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as
if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3
p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they -- with amazing calm -- call other errant
men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall,
they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench
sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would
send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an
enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making
burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely,
if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas
morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and
strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate
claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already
be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the
fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the
Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the
flue. He would also need to check for carbon
monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace and get under every Christmas tree
that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be
dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their
masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to
allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling
a "bowl full of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless
somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho
Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday
characters are men....
Father Time shows up
once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
Cupid flies around
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point
Any one of these individuals
could pass the
testosterone screening test.
But not St. Nick.
Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth,
faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song", it probably
makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd quit
dressing like a guy!!
(If you were the author of this piece then please contact me)
Images courtesy of Brent Bradley