I think you have probably read the disclaimer a time or two...so... go ahead and disembowel me, hack me to pieces and set me aflame...you asked for it so your gonna get it.
I don't have much time at the moment so I will cut to the chase and give you a quick overview. If you would like a more in depth rip and tear...let me know but this is a pretty good poem from what I can see after a quick read so there probably could not be much ripping.
I enjoyed reading this poem and it was funny...fits the type of poem wonderfully. As I told you in the past you are a good writer.
Just a couple of things stand out...
The end ryhmes in the third stanza are there but they are not perfect rhymes.
The end rhymes you established with your first two stanza's and somewhat kept with your third stanza are not there in the first and third lines of the fourth stanza.
Is there something wrong with detouring from a rhyme scheme? No but sometimes it can have an adverse effect and sometimes, such as in this case, there was no real negative effect to it.
This poem stuck to the theme of being a humorous poem and was a joy to read.
Eiregirl _________________ All poems and stories posted by Eiregirl are
Copyright 2005 - 2008 Aoibhegréine
These literary works are my property under copyright. If you wish to use my work for any purpose please ASK FIRST.
Sat Oct 28, 2006 6:33 am
smart_cookie
Joined: 12 Aug 2006
Posts: 2310
Location: USA
Well thank you, Eiregirl. And, dang, you are so right about the fourth stanza. Your head will look lovely on a pike. s*
--Cookie
Sat Oct 28, 2006 10:56 am
Sunny
Joined: 18 Jun 2006
Posts: 1571
Location: Massachusetts
Smart,
Well, Byron, it's not I'm guessing your request for feedback is a spoof on discussion from another board, so I'll refrain (though I can't reisist a ditto on the fourth stanza rhyme comment). Thanks for interjecting a little levity on this issue. So, off the cliff I go, huh?
Yes, I'm sorry Sunny, but you KNOW I have to do it!
Mon Oct 30, 2006 12:43 am
Avant-garde
Joined: 20 Jul 2006
Posts: 2850
Location: NY
Cookie,
Oh my! My dear friend I couldn't stop laughing when I read this. I was in a bitchy mood today and my smile was deadly in a sweet sort of way. good to know The NCC has more than one sarcastic sadistic individual. By no means do I want to lose my guts over this one although I may tear a muscle or two by laughing my ass off. Always keep it real....
smiles, _________________ ~poetry is the lover ,mine artistic soul, and the keeper of my tormented mind.
Thu Nov 02, 2006 4:15 am
Mairi bheag
Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 5094
Location: Scotland
quote:Originally posted by seansun:
Smart,
Well, Byron, it's not I'm guessing your request for feedback is a spoof on discussion from another board, so I'll refrain (though I can't reisist a ditto on the fourth stanza rhyme comment). Thanks for interjecting a little levity on this issue. So, off the cliff I go, huh?
Sunny
*
is watching sunny very closely
*
I enjoyed this poem, Cookie. I won't add anything to Eire's comments - she is usually first in there with lit crit (boi oh boi that has to be typed carefully). Well done, keep going!
Mb
xx
_________________ all posted material (c) Marie Marshall, unless otherwise stated.
Fri Nov 03, 2006 4:48 pm
smart_cookie
Joined: 12 Aug 2006
Posts: 2310
Location: USA
Nancy, I always love it when I see you have enjoyed a post of mine s*
hugs, woman,
Cooks
Fri Nov 03, 2006 6:17 pm
smart_cookie
Joined: 12 Aug 2006
Posts: 2310
Location: USA
Mb, yesssss be vewwy vewwy careful! Elmer Fudd aside, thank you for stopping in and commenting! s*
--Cookie
Fri Nov 03, 2006 6:18 pm
ghost
Joined: 06 Nov 2005
Posts: 2828
Location: MIA
lmao... i will refrain from commenting on the motivation myself. the poem speaks for itself. pretty well spoken too!
as for feedback...
its a good idea when you write rhyming poetry, to say it out loud after writing it. the rhymes i dont much worry about, but the rhythm falters here and there. e.g.
Having to listen to you scream.
and
Don't make me run you over
in particular.
runs and jumps of the cliff before i get caught (luckily my sheet doubles as a parachute in times of need... oops, i forgot i can fly!!! wheeeeeeeeeeee....!)[/i] _________________
MIA
Sun Nov 05, 2006 9:31 am
smart_cookie
Joined: 12 Aug 2006
Posts: 2310
Location: USA
Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No! It's that cutie Ghosty!
LOL
Gawd, figures, I get more critical/helpful remarks on this poem, which I dashed off as a lark in about five minutes, than on anything else laffs. oo, that's right I (F)'ed it. Well, that's why I'm getting (F)'ed I guess!
Always nice to see Ghostly comments. sss*
--Cookie
Sun Nov 05, 2006 11:36 am
ae
Joined: 17 Sep 2006
Posts: 1025
Location: that tragic backwater, the gulf coast of florida
Ah, my Cookie is still at her rebellion! I believe this is sort of where I came in to Mel's, with Cookie's caustic commentary about someone's writing about someone's writing. Speak truth to power, sister. Or to powerlessness, or whatever blows your skirt up. Just keep speaking...
And if you really meant that (F), I would say to try a more complex rhyme scheme. You will have more fun with it if it's harder for you. You make it all look so effortless, though, so for you, maybe "what's the difference?" _________________ -
-
-
"...a soul that wakes up to find itself wandering, unwanted, between the spheres."
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go ahead and disembowel me, hack me to pieces and set me aflame...you asked for it so your gonna get it. 
I'm guessing your request for feedback is a spoof on discussion from another board, so I'll refrain (though I can't reisist a ditto on the fourth stanza rhyme comment). Thanks for interjecting a little levity on this issue. So, off the cliff I go, huh?
