Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder
Despair
I had absolutely no idea where to post this, it doesn't seem to fit into any category and its not really a story or poem. I can't even say if it is written as a piece of social commentary or from a personal viewpoint. It just needed to be put on paper.
DESPAIR
Of all the negative emotions a human being is capable of experiencing, which one would you say is the most destructive? I sat in a coffee lounge yesterday and listened to some bright young things at the next table earnestly discussing this topic, in the context of the recent terrorist bombings in Mumbai. Their opinions varied slightly amongst the three of them but ultimately they focused on the blackness of hate, jealousy and zealotism. I found myself stealing covert glances as they argued, made assumptions and drew conclusions, so young, no lines of experience or pain or laughter yet etched on the soft skin of their faces, voices and hearts full of idealism, the certainty of the eventual triumph of right over wrong, good over evil, given the right circumstances and enough faith and good works.
I left my coffee unfinished, scared that they would catch me staring and wonder at the middle-aged woman in the corner with tears streaking her cheeks, shaking her head in disagreement. You see I know they’re wrong, the most destructive emotion isn’t hate or rage, jealousy or envy or anger. You can take the fire of these and channel it into action, OK what they were saying was that a lot of times this then emerges in terrible acts of violence and they are partly right. But often people are able to turn the emotion into change for good, in history how many times has a tragedy, whether personal or on a grander scale, been the catalyst for a revolution, a lone crusade, a great discovery? Even the negativity of loneliness can be beaten back, however temporarily, by contact with others - we make a a phone call, get online and use the IM or email, take the dog for a walk in the park, take ourselves to somewhere where other congregate, like a Mall or Church, anywhere that allows you to feel part of what is happening around you.
No, the most negative of human emotions has to be despair! It is a name we rarely speak, it makes others uneasy and those of us who exist within it’s grip are careful not to name it to the world, lest they start talking about manmade remedies against this demon, the pills, the hospital stays, the shock therapy, the group sessions. Unlike other negative emotions which seem to have acquired their own colors - envy and jealousy’s green, the red of rage or hate and the muted blues of depression - despair has no hue of it’s own, it comes as a thick, invisible fog, colder than a Winter’s night, seeping into your body in much the same way. I’ve always likened despair to some ghostly octopus, it’s tentacles spread in all directions, slowly and silently numbing all that they come in contact with on their journey. Not that they can kill, mind you, your heart will continue to beat regardless of being crushed by the layer upon layer of despair forming around it, but it can ache so much, there are times you would rather it would just stop. Your body will still perform most of the basic functions necessary for life, you eat, sleep, void, move, just not very well and not always as often as you should.
But it is the brain to which despair sends it’s most active minions, it worms through and into all the areas, cortexes I think is the right word, trailing its icy fingers across nerve endings and neurons. Looking always to subdue those areas most associated with it’s biggest nemesis, the intangible expressions of hope, faith and love. Little by little despair begins it’s insidious work of freezing, reducing and eventually eliminating, and when at last these three are subdued, it’s job is done. Oh, it will leave the pain receptors alone, wouldn’t want you to be so numb that you couldn’t feel the pain of despair, you just won’t feel anything else.
So, my young friends, I need to say that you were wrong, if you want to save the world or even just one individual, stay at University, become a Dr. or scientist, psychologist or researcher, eliminate the ghost of despair. I wish you luck. _________________ Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!
Fri Nov 28, 2008 6:04 am
fortheloveofagood... Site Admin
Joined: 17 Dec 2005
Posts: 2216
Location: loves land of plenty
hmmm, i hear what you are saying, but i think i disagree slightly, for me despair can lead to action also because the only way is up, and when you feel like you can do nothing, it is because you want to do something... you are despairing for action, for something, and with those thoughts, often change does come around the corner, a depressive despair can linger for a long time, but it usually comes in out at varying rates.
That's why for me the worst emotion is apathy. When you stop caring, because with despair you may have lost hope, but you are still reacting, and hope can return... apathy is nothing, no reaction at all, it is without feeling, with despair you are still feel appalled at your lack of hope. Despair is black and absorbs all... apathy is grey and neither absorbs nor reflects. It can leads to or indicate indifference. And that for me is the worst place at all.
Keep dispairing at the state of the world. It can lead you to something.
Kx
Fri Nov 28, 2008 9:20 am
fortheloveofagood... Site Admin
Joined: 17 Dec 2005
Posts: 2216
Location: loves land of plenty
also, i find concept of young and old that comes through your post doesn't sit easy with me... although i see what you are saying
in my heart n mind, wisdom, insight, fortitude, passion, hope, love cannot be judged by age, only by experience and experience does not come from time, because time is an illusion, for me it comes from reflecting and challenging all that you see around you, by listening to all the clues.
No trait can fully be associated with socially constructed concepts such as gender, age, race, etc. For me, age is one of the most hidden forms of discrimination in society... for all ages... Generation is a an arena for action as some sociologists like to espouse! The children are not our future... we cannot pin all our hopes and sentiment on them, we are all the same, we come from one source, we just don't know how to live like that.
Kx
p.s. sorry for being trite, but I doubt Jesus had a wrinkle on his forehead... !
p.p.s thanks for making me think this morning Noni xxx
Fri Nov 28, 2008 9:35 am
Guest
Hmmm... is apathy an emotion, or lack of it? Now you both have me thinking.... I agree with both of you in some ways. Noni, I think despair is one of the most paralyzing things that can plague us. It's lack of hope. There are many in the world that live in despair because of hardship and poverty, and terrible living conditions, and they may seem to walk in a kind of paralyzed state. But out of this kind of despair, cultures have risen in revolution because ultimately, there is always a thread of hope, whether we recognize it or not. On a personal level, despair is harmful. "... do not despair..." and also in reference to love.....".... bears all things, believes all things, HOPES all things, and never dies...." I'm rambling and not sure where all of this is going, but being trapped in despair is devastating yes, out of this despair, eventual change will come. We may not like it, but it will come. We may long for it, and it will come. Oh interesting... longing is hope.... not despair.... See how you're helping me work this out? Lol....
And 4, I totally agree with you about age. I think Noni probably does too. (oops, i shouldn't assume and speak for others). Age is not a measure of innocence or wisdom. It can be a measure of experience, but not necessarily. Sometimes experience is not even a measure for wisdom. Sometimes it is gifted to certain people without respect to age or experience. I have no idea where i am going with all of this.
Only finally I do want to say, despair is destructive, or constructive. Depends on who you are. Depends on where you are in that emotion. Apathy, if it is an emotion, is the antithesis of hope. Despair can often be the seed. That is the amazing thing about human nature. And while you are despairing,Noni, may someone's arms wrap themselves around you, and push you gently toward hope. Sincerely. "J"
Fri Nov 28, 2008 3:14 pm
realwoman
Joined: 05 Dec 2005
Posts: 1040
Location: under our tree in Africa
Hmmmm... very thought-provoking post, Noni...
...despair, apathy, hate or rage, jealousy or envy or anger, zealotism, ... all of these negative emotions, for me, are based in the emotion of 'fear'. Fear of the future, fear of others who do not believe like you, fear of yourself, and perhaps being exposed for your deepest darkest secret, fear to face another day... name it, all of them can be related deep down to some kind of fear...
And this is where the meeting of biology with psychology becomes fascinating: In complex vertebrates, including humans, the
amygdalae
are almond-shaped groups of neurons located deep within the medial temporal lobes of the brain which perform primary roles in the formation and storage of memories associated with emotional events. As part of the limbic system it plays an important role in motivation and emotional behavior, especially anger and fear.
Research indicates that, during fear conditioning, sensory stimuli reach the basolateral complexes of the amygdalae, particularly the lateral nuclei, where they form associations with memories of the stimuli. The amygdala is thus the 'fear-center' of the brain, and is also sometimes referred to as our 'reptile-brain', because of its primitive structure, and the fact that it occurs in reptiles, primates, and other vertebrae. It is the organ that gives us the 'fight, flee, or do-nothing' response to a particular situation.
Also significant is that the amygdala forms memory associations - hence you would, with repeated stimuli, rather avoid a particular situation, than having to deal with it: 'apathy' and 'despair' when you know you cannot avoid the situation. Negative emotions create a downward spiral. Depressed, anxious or irritated mood saps the energy out of us. Negative mood dampens the spirit of the thought. Because it is a 'flight or flee' situation, there is not much conscious thought involved. Even apathy is an action - it is the action of doing nothing, because you are afraid....
Fortunately, these 'memory associations' are not permanent, and your amygdala can be consciously 'programmed': every time there is a negative feeling, be it any of those mentioned above, and you recognise it for what it was, you 'name the fear', or try to figure it out, and face the demon that causes this reaction in you. Then t is possible to replace that negative emotion with something positive: hope, love, joy, optimism, contentment and gratitude. Even looking at a pretty flower, or sunset, can help to replace the negative with the positive. This does not come easily, and need conscious effort, especially when one is in a dire straight, like living in poverty - but even in poverty, there can be hope.
Positive emotions create an upward spiral. Psychologists say that positive emotions help us to see positive meaning in all events and circumstances. When you feel that everything that happens to you has a positive meaning, you generate even more positive emotions. When thinking and attention are broadened by positive emotions, you begin to believe that there is an opportunity behind every adversity.
Just as I summarise all those negative emotions with the word "fear", so the positive emotions can be summarised with the word 'love'. And this is not love for another. No, it starts with love for oneself - loving oneself with all your faults and idiosyncrasies, and learning to deal with those that feeds your fear, and embracing those that makes you YOU!
Hence, my signature, which walks with me to remind me, every day
Huge hugs
~real _________________ .
.
light is to darkness as love is to fear...
Fri Nov 28, 2008 7:59 pm
jade547
Joined: 05 Aug 2007
Posts: 523
Location: swindon - uk
Hi there Ladies
Well this is a thought provoking subject, and I guess I am going to comment from experience. When reading your post Noni, I can relate to despair, how you described it “I’ve always likened despair to some ghostly octopus, its tentacles spread in all directions…..” that is what it is like.
I can only comment on emotional despair and how it affected me, and when I was in the depths of that despair, I was numb, as 4 states apathy unable to feel any kind of emotion and would do things so out of character just to feel something anything (kinda went of the rails). What I mean by that was I showed no emotion I felt nothing; I just did not care about anything or anyone at least of all me, pushed my family and my friend away. Not that they were easily deterred. Don’t think I am making any sense here, it’s kinda hard to describe but I will try my best, it becomes this emptiness, this void of desolation which is infinite (which it is not but at the time it feels like it). I felt I was falling into this void deeper and deeper as time went on.
Now for me this was due to grief, her death was a slow and painful one and reliving those events afterwards did not help matters (now I know was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I do agree with Real, this situation was cause by my inability to face the situation, I ran from it any way I could, would not admit I was not dealing. To be honest at the time I felt that the year nursing Ronnie was as bad as it could get, and I dealt with everything that came her way, to help her through it. During that year I would not allow my emotions to come to the fore, I had to be strong for her, and I guess I bottled what ever I was feeling at the time. When she died all I felt was relief she was no longer suffering.
Had a month off went back to work, back to the same ole same ole. Now looking back it was harder with the aftermath for me, I remember my Dad, telling me you’re the strong one, don’t fall apart (approx a year after her death). It was too late by then, and I was unable to run from it, because PTSD was relentless, and by this point I was depressed (well that’s what the GP stated). I had already started to see a bereavement councillor and the GP signed me off for 4 mths.
Gee this sounds so depressing, but I do agree with J, out of despair there is hope, not that I could see it at the time, I have to admit, but once I had face my demons and dealt with what had gone on, so that I was able to move on in my life. The fog lifted, and out of that experience I have changed my life, I am now a nurse, and that was
Ronnie’s gift to me (well that is how I see it) out of a bad situation some good came from it. Sorry did kinda ramble on there; don’t know if I made any sense.
I think there are many negative emotion, that we all experience at some point in our lives, and it is how we deal with these emotions that make us who we are “individuals” and one on can predict how an individual will respond or react to those emotion. I think a lot of it comes from our lives, experiences, religions/doctrines, our beliefs, social norms, our circumstances, our morals or lack of, etc.
Kind regards
Jade
Sun Dec 07, 2008 2:58 am
nobodysangel
Joined: 15 Jun 2007
Posts: 429
Location: TN
my thoughts
For me the emotions are love and trust. Life taught me at an early age not to trust. As I got older it was the same thing. You open yourself up, let someone in, and they hurt you. So what is the point? My mom was depressed throughout my childhood. It was the 70's and that was not talked about. As a teen in the 80's depression wasa not talked about either. I thought if I was a better child, made better grades, was skinny enough, whatever, my mom would not be so sad. She would not sit in the chair stare at the wall and cry. At that time I didn't know what was wrong. Now that I'm grown, I know she was clinically depressed. She will be medicated for the rest of her life. For me, at this point in my life, it is love and trust. You open yourself up to someone, let them in and then what? That person then has the power to hurt you. To take your heart out and rip it to shreds and throw it on the floor. Then you have hurt and anger and rage. All at the same time. And for what? Because you allowed yourself to fall in love. Life has shown me yet again, that you can't let someone in or really and truly love. For the first time in my life I let my guard down and fell head over heels in love. It was the most amazing feeling I have ever felt. When things end you feel emotions you never thought you'd feel. The all consuming love you had once felt becomes something else. You can't name it. What do you feel? Just numb. You can't feel anything. Time heals all wounds or so I'm told. I'm still waiting on that one. My brain understands why we can't be together. Life has not been good to her either. My brain gets it, my heart is not there yet. I will love her til the day I die. I know I'm depressed. I wake up each day, go to bed each night and repeat. Day after day. And for what? Just to go through each day waiting to live waiting to die. The sun shines, I see it but I can't feel it's warmth on my face. All emotions are linked in the brain. Love, anger, happiness, sadness, jealousy, joy, pain, and that wonderful word..hope...I wish I could buy a shot of that...hope in a bottle..the magic cure all...Noni thanks for posting such a thought provoking thread. To the other ladies who replied thanks for giving me something to think about. Hugs to you too Noni, hope your heart is finding some sense of peace. I know it's hard to be seperated from the one you love. Sending you many hugs.....I wish I had some words of wisdom to make you feel better. At this point all I can send you are hugs. I hope this thread makes sense...I tend to ramble _________________ Riding the single train, and loving every minute!!
Mon Dec 08, 2008 6:33 am
DanceofSorrows
Joined: 29 Aug 2004
Posts: 2837
Noni,
It is a pretty thoughtful question and I loved reading the replies. I think the question is subjective to personal experience rather than a definitive answer across the board.
I feel that positive and negative emotions can contribute to both constructive or destructive actions depending on how one copes/deals with them, what boundaries are internally in place, and how one seeks to achieve certain emotions (or deny them) which is actually behaviors that are associated with emotions.
Given that thought line... I am going to take a little turn here and say the most destructive thing that can come experiencing any emotion whether negative or positive is by
1) Denying them
2) Attributing negative associations to them ("You should not be jealous!" or "Anger is bad" etc)
3) Creating a defense system around them
4) and not having validation of them and support from others
I really think that is more destructive to the heart, mind and soul than any emotions we experience. I do however, strongly feel that without support, help, and understanding for any negative emotion, it can break the spirit and start a destructive cycle.
That is one of the reasons why I am intrigued when people write honestly. One poet in particular, AE (Poem- Comparison) had written about her feelings about her lover dying and her own attitude about her lovers attitude within it, and she was quite honest even though she could have been judged by the readers. I admired that so much. They were real and honest. Those are the kind of poems that break barriers of taboo feelings and subjects. We do need less judgment for experiencing negative emotions in the writing world.
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