I know nobody here knows me, so I guess this is the time to share more about myself. I have been with my GF for more than 3 years, we have been friends for many more. We were both married when we met and were included in each other's extended family so our families have known both of us and we were already considered "family".
When we left our husbands and told our families mine was wonderful (no surprise) and hers was not. We live near her parents, to whom she is very close. For a year after she told them I went from being their 3rd daughter to dead. They didn't say my name for a year. Slowly we rebuilt that relationship. They have made it clear that they do not approve on "religious" grounds, but they really do love me and have for so long. And my GF made it clear if I wasn't at least treated with respect, she wouldn't be coming around.
The parents have really turned around. They still don't approve, but have become much more accepting. For a while they only treated me with respect as requested, but for at least the last year they have begun to treat me with affection again. I think they are getting that two people in love is not the end of the world. It's not my business if they approve so long as I feel I am treated well and my GF agrees. I attend all family events with her. We're not out to her extended family, but they are often present and would have to be pretty dumb. We don't exactly look "straight". The MO is to ignore what you don't want to know. It's not great, but it works.
OK, rewind to about a year ago. Her sister, who she is also close to and a total religious zealot (doesn't go to church cause it's not Christian enough) announces she is pregnant with the family's only child. She's 40 and not going have more and my GF and I don't want any. So the parents are thrilled, of course. So are we. We love kids, just don't want them.
So at that time my GF tells her sister she has something to tell her as well. She goes on to explain that she is gay and we are together. Sis agrees she suspected as much (we do live together for God's sake) and while it goes against God's will, she loves my GF.
Next time we saw them they acted as if all was fine, so we were realived that all of her immediate family was informed and maybe not thrilled, but dealing with it.
My GF and I were both really involved in the pregnancy. I became even closer to her sister in this time. When her son was born I fell in love with him. He is almost 5 months old now. I see him very regularly and of course he is often at Grandma's. We own half of Grandma's house (actually my GF and her ex do) and we spend a lot of time there. Both because she is close to her parents and it's a great place. The nephew is there a lot of that time.
When we are around them, we are very respectful. We are affectionate, but we do refrain from kissing or anything that we know would really upset them. It is their home and we know they see this as a sin. On a side note, at our home we don't edit our behaviour at all. If I want to kiss my GF in the kitchen, I do regardless of whether they are there. I don't know if they've seen that, probably not.
Anyway, we are very close to my wonderful little nephew. In fact, we babysat him last weekend. Last night, while getting ready for mail we got an email from the sister out of the blue. She can no longer pretend we are just friends when she knows the truth and it is wickedness with a page and a half of God's wrath blah blah blah. She MUST protect her son and while her gut says to have no contact with us she thinks her son should know his aunt (my GF) so she will allow contact at family function so long as I am not present.
WTF!!!!!????
I don't give a shit whether she wants me around or approves of who I am (which she again tries to assert is a choice, yeah right...). But why did she let me fall in love with my nephew and then tell me I will never see him again because I am wicked? I'm pretty sure it just occurred to her that if he grows up seeing two people who love each other and love him she's gonna have to explain to him just exactly how that is wicked.
But I am most pissed because now my GF will have to figure out how to handle this. I don't know how her parents will react. The love their ONLY grandchild. Do they not get to see him because of me? Or do they tell my GF that I'm not welcome, knowing she won't be around? The sister has really put her family in a hard place. I respect her opinion, even if it's insanity, so she can stay away. But by doing this she has now compromised the entire immediate family.
So today I am hurting like hell. I am grieving this child that I love. I will live through that, but it is so cruel. How can any religion tell you to not let your child be loved? She has told me so many times how much she likes how I am with him, how I seem to connect with him differently from other people, how I let him cry and just hold him. She has told me how good I am with him. But now God has told her that is a bad thing?
I can usually see another person's point of view, even when I disagree. But this is insanity and I can't seem to even imagine how this could be in his best interest. Guess I'm closed minded...
So I'm missing my nephew and I'm so pissed that my GF or her parents will be forced to choose. I'm pretty sure my GF will choose to not be there if I am not welcome. We both cried a lot last night, but I didn't think it was really the time to pressure her on how she was going to react. She did get up early and sent an email back. It was short and sweet, commenting on how she was sorry that they felt that way and it was sad that her God didn't teach her to love people as they are.
I emailed my GF this morning (she gets up too early for me) and told her I liked the reply and would stay out of it completely. I won't make her choose between seeing her family and including me. In the past I did make her choose that, but this is different. I am pretty sure she will still make the same decisions, but it isn't fair to tell her parents they can't see their grandson. I guess I see it more as I won't make her parents choose, and asking her to do so would also ask them to do so.
So I really just needed to vent. I've dealt with some people who were not happy (including my ex who has threatened to kill both of us on multiple occassions) about the fact that we are gay. I can handle attacks on me, but this attack on my GF has me PISSED. Not only did someone hurt my beloved, but I am powerless over it.
Thanks for the chance to vent
Wed Nov 12, 2008 4:11 pm
realwoman
Joined: 05 Dec 2005
Posts: 1040
Location: under our tree in Africa
And to tell you that the Sister is not, IMHO, a Christian at all. She may say she is one, but she certainly does not understand the true meaning of being a Christian.
I consider myself a Christian, and my Bible tells me this:
Leviticus 19:18: 'You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the sons of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself; I am the LORD.
This command of the Lord is repeated several times in the New Testament: Romans 13:9, Mark 12:31, Luke 10:27, Matthew 19:19, Matthew 22:39, James 2:8, Galatians 5:14. Let me quote one of these:
Mark 12:28-34
28 One of the scribes came and heard them arguing, and recognizing that He had answered them well, asked Him, "What commandment is the foremost of all?"
29 Jesus answered, "The foremost is, ‘HEAR, O ISRAEL! THE LORD OUR GOD IS ONE LORD;
30 AND YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND, AND WITH ALL YOUR STRENGTH.’
31 "The second is this, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.’ There is no other commandment greater than these."
32 The scribe said to Him, "Right, Teacher; You have truly stated that HE IS ONE, AND THERE IS NO ONE ELSE BESIDES HIM;
33 AND TO LOVE HIM WITH ALL THE HEART AND WITH ALL THE UNDERSTANDING AND WITH ALL THE STRENGTH, AND TO LOVE ONE’S NEIGHBOR AS HIMSELF, is much more than all burnt offerings and sacrifices."
34 When Jesus saw that he had answered intelligently, He said to him, "You are not far from the kingdom of God."
(not my caps, its the New American Translation)
A couple of points: To obey this command from Jesus, I have to love myself. That means I have to accept the fact that God made me Gay. It took me almost 40 years to accept this fact, but from the day I accepted myself in the way God made me, I was able to love my 'neighbor', and to Love God. And then I finally understood this:
John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.
17 "For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.
18 "He who believes in Him is not judged; he who does not believe has been judged already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.
19 "This is the judgment, that the Light has come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the Light, for their deeds were evil.
20 "For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.
21 "But he who practices the truth comes to the Light, so that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God."
I practice the truth: That I am gay, and being truthful to myself and to how God created me, sets me free, and enables me to love my fellow human beings.
As for the Sister, she who judges you, who are casting stones at you while she lives in a glass house, who calls herself a "Christian", I have one message for her and those like her: I can (and will) pray for them. I will pray that they will stop judging their fellow human beings for the way that God created them, that they will stop shunning God's creation in such a blasphemous way, and that they will eventually understand and come to the Light, and move closer to the Kingdom of God.
This behaviour of her just illustrates how UNChristian she really is.
Warm hugs to you and your woman
~real _________________ .
.
light is to darkness as love is to fear...
Thu Nov 13, 2008 3:45 pm
Guest
I agree, Real. And thank you for reminding me of all of the passages that talk about LOVE. This is what we are to be as Christians. God is Love, and we are to LOVE, not judge just because someone is different from ouselves. Thanks for all the reminders Realwoman and hang in there Amy. I'm sorry you're experiencing this. "J"
Thu Nov 13, 2008 7:07 pm
MysteryGirl Moderators
Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder
(((((((((((((((((((((((AMY))))))))))))))))))))))
I just wanted to say that the way you are handling this situation, no matter how heartbreaking it may be, is the right one. you are not pressuring your GF or confronting the sister, I praise you for those actions in the midst of your pain.
This is an issue that just may take time, as it first did with your GFs parents. It sounds like someone has got to the Sister, probably from her Church, as she has been OK with you both being around the little boy till now. Perhaps even her parents may eventually change her mind as they will want to keep contact with BOTH their daughters I am sure.
Just one question, may I ask if their is a Father to the baby in the picutre? If so, what are his views?
Im so sorry you have to go though this
HugZ, Noni _________________ Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!
Thu Nov 13, 2008 10:44 pm
Yentruck
Joined: 02 Aug 2007
Posts: 36
Location: Dirty Jerze
I'm not very religious, but I agree with realwoman completely.
It also seems to me like she is trying to hide behind her religion. I've been meaning to get out my bible (it's in the closet, just like me ironically) and find exactly where it says that being gay is a sin. I have an extremely religious aunt and I'm not sure how she'll react when/if I ever come out to my family.
Fri Nov 14, 2008 5:18 am
MdmPrez
Joined: 16 Oct 2007
Posts: 803
Location: US of A
Amy
My approach would be different...I would take the high road, insist that your g/f go without you to family gatherings. I think it would do 2 things, show your g/f that you don't want to stand in the way, but also it would let the family see just how much you love your g/f by doing that. I bet in some time everyone will realize this is a real love, regardless of the scripture quotation and they will see things in the real light of day.
Cat
Fri Nov 14, 2008 1:54 pm
Amy
Joined: 09 Oct 2008
Posts: 6
Location: Washington
Thanks all for all of the kind words. I am getting past the pain of losing my nephew and now we are trying to figure out how we are going to make this work. Her parents offered to meet with both of the daughters to talk a little bit about what the bible says and how it has affected their lives.
On the surface that was an awful prospect for my GF because she's the only Atheist in the room, but upon inspection I think her parents want to talk about not judging etc... As my GF and I started to discuss how to deal with this meeting, her sister replied that the parents and the sis disagree on the interpretation of the bible and there is no reason to talk about it because she thinks that they are wrong.
This worked out well because it showed a small amount of support for my GF as well made it clear that the sis is being unreasonable. I made sure my GF understood that I would not take it personally if she chose to attend things like T-day without me (this is a BIG deal to me, I have been at all family functions, even ones where my GF couldn't make it, for years). Her response was that she had no desire to be in a room with someone who thinks she is wicked.
Now it's up to her parents to decide how to handle it. If my GF wants me to be with her I will. Whether they include me in family invitations will speak strongly as to how they feel about us. Either way though, if they never said or did another supportive thing, they have far exceeded my expectations and I am really touched.
I'm not sure how the logistics will go. We have agreed that in order to support her parents as much as possible we will try like hell to not put them in a position to choose. So we will be sure to call before we go over there, which is soooo wrong.
I don't blame my GF for being so upset with her sister. The letter was so offensive. Personally, I wouldn't want to be tolerated either. There is no way to argue with her because she is clearly insane. She won't even talk to her parents who are "Christian" like her, me pointing out the parts of the bible that preach tolerance because you simply can't reason with insanity.
So now we will do everything we can to make the parents as comfortable as possible in light of the fact that their other child has forced them to choose which child they will spend time with.
It's so painful to watch and I only pray that God gave this kid a good enough head on his shoulders to survive his mother. I have so many things I would like to say to her, angry mean things, questions (how is this sin, not that I agree that it is one, but how is it so much worse than other sins that it is harmful for him to be around us?), telling her I love and forgive her and will pray for her. But I know it's best for me to say nothing in this situation.
My heart goes out to her family who has now been ripped in half. And I can only hope that one day she will change her mind. I know it's not at all likely and I won't hold it close to me, but it's possible.
Again, thank you all so much. My family is so different and while I understand her family well, I don't understand this.
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