Joined: 21 Jan 2007
Posts: 4
Location: Madrid, Spain
Knock Knoc - Spain Calling
Hi everyone. Iīm writing from Madrid, Spain, hoping to get some help and advice from other women. Excuse me if my writing is not correct sometimes, havenīt practiced my english from a long time...
I need advice. I am in the middle of a situation that is almost driving me nuts and I really donīt know how to cope with.
I have just moved from another town, as I met my girfriend a year ago. I am 40 and she is 46. When I met her, she was hurt. Her 6 years relationship had just ended. It was her second relationship. Her ex was "that really special someone" and my girlfriend was madly in love with her.
Once the relationship ended (her ex left her) they -sort of- agreed to have a friendship. But there I was, and that agreement, didnīt include me.
During this year that we have been together but apart, as I lived away, they would meet weekly in her exīs house. They would call each other almost daily, and every single happening would bring her ex back on the phone or visiting my girlfriend at coffee break etc... For me the fact that they need each other so much, was a horrible feeling. It was a fact and clear that they did miss each other so much...when they see each other, my girlfriend cries and cries for days, and says to me that she doesnīt know why she cries. From the beginning of them seeing each other, my girlfriend knew that it hurted me. She would say that she was doing nothing wrong and I would try to make her understand that the problem was not the fact that they would have contact. The problem was the need they had with one another, and that the contact between them had become so often that they depended on one-another....there is still love and anyone can see it..
Last week, during a cleaning day, she was throwing things away. Many of them related to her ex: letters, notes, etc. She bursted into tears. That night she woke up and came to the pc to view photos of her ex...
I must say that she is caring and loving with me. But on one hand she denies any kind of feeling towards her, but I have such a strong believe that it is not so...
This situation is making me feel small, stupid, useless,...I feel no to be special at all. Not to be enough. I find myself comparing me with her ex all the time, and it has become an obsession for me. I donīt smile anymore, and I have lost all interest for anything. When the phone rings I dread it to be her ex. She is present all the time in our lives
I need to smile again, but iīm out of trust. Out of faith. Feel that love always hurts too much. I need to get her ex out -at least- of my mind, but I donīt know how....
Thanks for reading...
Wed Sep 10, 2008 8:47 am
jade547
Joined: 05 Aug 2007
Posts: 523
Location: swindon - uk
hi there
Welcome to mels
I have read your thread a couple of times, just need to know i got this right in my head - you've been in the relationship for a year, however by the sounds of it you lived in a different area (long distant relationship) but now live together or at least in same town?
From what you have said there are 3 people in the relationship. I know you have stated you have spoken to your girlfriend and she does not feel that there is nothing wrong with it. However her actions (crying etc) would indicate she still has feeling for her, and you have also stated you can see the affection and love between them.
To be honest if that is the case then i personnaly would move on (but that is me) your relationship should be you and your gf which should not inclued her ex.
I would explain to her how it makes you feel, at the end of the day she should try to understand where you are coming from. If you have already had that conversation and the situation has not changed - it is not going to change - you have to look at your options (stay and continue as you are or cut your losses and move on, maybe she needs time alone to decide what she wants - but she did have that kinda space when you lived away) you have to do what is best for you.
take care
Jade
Wed Sep 10, 2008 9:21 am
duna_337
Joined: 21 Jan 2007
Posts: 4
Location: Madrid, Spain
Hi jade,
During this first year of relationship, we have lived apart in different towns. I have moved three months ago to her house.
During the conversation we had, i asked why they werenīt together if they needed each-other so much, and she said that it was because they didnīt love each-other and that she loved me and wanted to be with me. But on the other hand, the crying, the daily contact, viewing her photos once and once again...now, in the present, we donīt talk about her. We know we have an unsolved enormous problem and we fear the moment of a new conversation. I know they still talk and see each-other, although, she doesnīt say, but cell phones donīt lie... and the proble is that i donīt have peace of mind. I love her and I want to have my family and my life with her, but just donīt know how to cope with it or how to solve it or even how to express myself so she would understand me...
Thank you very much for your answer.
Wed Sep 10, 2008 9:31 am
jade547
Joined: 05 Aug 2007
Posts: 523
Location: swindon - uk
Hi
"We know we have an unsolved enormous problem and we fear the moment of a new conversation."
I have always felt that honesty is very important in any relationship, i understand the fear you may have as it may be something you do not want to hear and visa versa for her. However if left it will create a silence between you both filled with everything you have both left unsaid. And that will eat away at you to the point that there may be nothing left to salvage.
I still feel the best way forward it to tell her how you feel about the situation. Try not to point fingers (easier said than done). explan you dont want to argue you just want to talk.
From what you have told me, you both love each other very much and i understant it is not easy to express yourself when there is so much at stake. However the situation will not resolve it self. If you find it easier put it in writing to her, and then give it to her when she has sometime alone to think about what you have said (hopefully you will not get an kneejerk reaction) as she would have had time to reflect on what you are trying to say to her.
"During the conversation we had, i asked why they werenīt together if they needed each-other so much, and she said that it was because they didnīt love each-other and that she loved me and wanted to be with me"
The above qoute says alot, at the end of the day it would of been easy for her to be with her ex and get back with her ex - as you lived in a different town. She is with you, you have set up home with each other, and she has told you that she loves you and not her. she will understand
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