Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 16
Location: tel aviv- israel
just talking
hi everyone,
i've been reading some of the things u wrote here, us "lissas" (my new nickname for lezzies- if u've seen the l word u would know why), we sure like to talk alot! 8 am 2 am doesn't realy matter to us. so as a lissa i just felt the urge to talk.
i met this girl 7 years ago... just writing this number making me feel i don't need to continue.i was 17 years old at time after breaking up with my first girlfriend, wich was this girl's ex by the way.
u see i was this person who believed that love is the meaning of everything (before i met her that is), a person that only follows her heart, and so i did, follow my heart. i was realy scared at first. i remember it took me a very long time to let go, cause i got hurt before and i didn't want it to happen again. i wrote her this song by george michelle:
"cause teacher there r things that i don't want to learn
and the last one i had made me cry
so i don't wanna learn to hold you tuch u think that u r mine"
"when u say that u need me
that u will never leave me
i know u r wrong u r not that strong
let me go"
i learned everything and more, the song's called one more try, and thats how it ends- "maybe just one more try"
as always i couldn't say no to my heart. we've been together for 4 years, i could'nt see my life without her.
after 4 years we broke up, she told me she can not live like this, she can not be a "lissa" (as if that's a chioce). she said she want's a family a wedding, children and all that normal life style thing. that she will never raise her children with two mom's. and what hurt me the most was the thought of her feeling she is giving up on so many thing when she is with me. i was so sorry i was'nt able to give her what she wanted, and i felt so helpless.
we were'nt totally out, only our friends and family knew about us, so i guess there wasn't anywhere to go to from there anyway.
we still talk sometimes, almost 3 years since we broke up and i still think of her. we were always opposite to one another she was the realistic half and i was the heart, that's what always kept us apart, we just could'nt see things the same.what's love got to do with it right? i guess she wasn't strong enough not to leave me after all.
i wrote her a letter a while ago saying i don't wanna talk to her anymore, cause it's holding me back. i became so different, there is no heart anymore and sometimes i just feel numb or dead inside and i only wish to feel again, but still, on the other hand im glad i don't, and she will always be my weakness.
i hope i didn't talk to much, even for a "lissa",
mk.
mk.
Wed Apr 13, 2005 4:17 pm
chen
Joined: 12 Apr 2005
Posts: 1
well,proud to be the first one to reply!
as u r one of the most amazing people i know , i also know u still have that heart.
keep smiling..
summer is coming... _________________ let it be...
Wed Apr 13, 2005 9:41 pm
Dueceswild
Joined: 13 Apr 2005
Posts: 304
Location: WV
moving on is good
its hard to get your heart broken like that and start using it again,but it can happen...... I promise, just be sure you take it slow and use your head and your heart next time! _________________ Never do anything you don't want to have to explain to the paramedics!
Thu Apr 14, 2005 1:12 am
mk
Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 16
Location: tel aviv- israel
well it's not realy about her anymore, u see when i don't see her i feel great
everything suddenly comes to place. thats why i wrote her it has to stop, whatever it is that went on between us. she never wanted to get back but when she was with me she acted as if we were still together- inviting me to watch our favorite movie together, asking me to stay over atc, she claimed its because she can't just erase 4 years. i was willing to stay friends with her but not like this. i wanted to move on not to hang on a few nights escaping reality with her. moving her out of my life was the best decision i"ve ever made and it took me a while to use my head.
any way i'm already talking to much about her.
what i wanted to say is that this experience has changed me completely, it did somthing to my subcoscious. im just starting to realize that. i mean come on i have'nt been with anyone for almost 3 years, except for the rebounds. i realy want to feel again, the problem is i don't believe in love anymore it's just there u know? i can't change it. that's why somtimes i feel numb inside i would love to try use my head and my heart and experience the new me, but i need to be able to feel again first. it's like all these great experiences happend to me when i was realy young- i met my first girl friend when i was 15 we were together for two yeas, and then i met "y" and another 4 years almost spent the rest of my life with her, and now when i"m 25 im singule. isn't it supposed to be opposite? i would'nt change anything, i love my life, don't get me wrong, but im scrued i know that .
thank u guys for responding, duese i realy believe you. chen- u always make me feel great!
have a great day,
mk.
Thu Apr 14, 2005 8:00 am
Phoenix Moderators
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 1664
Location: Tallahassee Florida
As an intuitive healer, I can tell you mk that you are dealing with an bond and trying to get rid of it. The separation will be very good for you. Your heart is still there, it just has a hard crust over it for self preservation. I think anyone who has ever suffered heartbreak knows that feeling well.
Give yourself time. Be gentle with yourself and have fun. I can tell you that while things can be exciting with an opposite they hardle ever work out. That's why astrological charts don't pair an aquarian with a scorpio. Aquarians are typically veryyyy independent and resist commitment while scorpio's are possessive and jealous and crave loyalty and commitment. Now, there are many sides to people and not everyone fits things exactly so some of those pairings do work. My ex and I were very opposite. I know what I want in a relationship, and someone who can't be as committed to me, loving and passionate are not for me. It does take time to figure out what you want, but eventually it will come and you will be stronger.
Hugs,
brat _________________ "A little work won't hurt you bad, but just in case I'm wrong, you'll be smiling when they pronounce you dead." Amanda Marshall 'This could take all night
Thu Apr 14, 2005 10:50 am
Dueceswild
Joined: 13 Apr 2005
Posts: 304
Location: WV
Before I met the woman I am with now, I didn't beleive in love anymore. I think that it just takes meeting the right person and building trust to love again. I wasn't looking for the relationship I have now, and maybe thats how its gotta be because, this is the BEST relationship I have ever had. I think you just need to keep you eyes and mind open, and things will eventually things WILL fall into place. _________________ Never do anything you don't want to have to explain to the paramedics!
Thu Apr 14, 2005 1:15 pm
mk
Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 16
Location: tel aviv- israel
u r right temps. i do need to figure out what it is that i want. my loss of faith got me stuck, going nowhere, i can't even look ahead and tell u what i see. not a man or even a woman just me there.
i met this great person
duece
, two years ago. we have been together for a while. that person loves me more than anything and we r perfect for eachother. and also we r totally fit
temps,
we r basically the same person. it's just that there is one little problem- that person's a man, lol. i mean i love him so much! i just can't be in love with him.
any way i laugh at the hole situation, just wanted to share my stories and it has been a pleasure with u guys, it is so good to see a reply waiting for you, so thanks . i know things will be great. i love the summer and its already here and nothing als can make me smile the way the sun can.
duesce
, i'm glad u have found love good luck with that one!
temps
i loved your use of words- "it just has a hard crust over it for self preservation". u could'nt have said it better!
god i talk alot,
c u ,
mk.
Thu Apr 14, 2005 2:18 pm
Phoenix Moderators
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 1664
Location: Tallahassee Florida
Your welcome mk,
i always call them as i see them.
hugs,
brat _________________ "A little work won't hurt you bad, but just in case I'm wrong, you'll be smiling when they pronounce you dead." Amanda Marshall 'This could take all night
Thu Apr 14, 2005 10:05 pm
topaz117
Joined: 12 Sep 2004
Posts: 44
Location: Southeast USA
First of all, mk, you do not 'talk a lot'...remember, we're female, LOL.
I completely understand what you mean when you say that you are better off when totally separated from your ex. I have been in two relationships with women in my life, the first one was only an emotional one, but very powerful. The first one was very wrong and unhealthy for me, the second one is the person I am planning to spend the rest of my life with (I'm 39, by the way). You are still so very young...I know that's not something you want to hear, because young or not, your feelings are just as strong and real...but as you get older, you really do begin to know yourself and what you want out of a relationship. I know that if it weren't for the very bad one, I wouldn't appreciate fully what I have now. I also was married to a man for 13 years, and if I hadn't been married, I know I would probably still be wondering if being with a woman is the totally right thing for me.
When you meet the right person for you, there will be something inside of you that will tell you that it is right. Maybe not the first moment, or the first day, or the first week...but as you spend more time with the 'right one', it will feel exactly that....RIGHT. You will not have to rationalize and reconcile your differences...not to say that you need to meet your carbon copy...some differences are healthy, but the two of you will mesh well enough so that there will be no huge obstacles to overcome from personality issues.
I am one of those 'possessive, jealous, loyal and committed' Scorpios, LOL...I could never understand why my friends, my husband, etc. could never give me what I gave them. And then when the first woman came into my life, and 'took charge' of my life, I allowed her to do so, because I saw that as 'loyalty'. What it was, was very unhealthy. When I finally had the strength to break free of her and put some distance between us, I found 'myself' again. The relationship I am in now is the most healthy one I have ever had. The woman I am with now, has taught me that you can love someone enough to allow them freedom to be themselves. She has had lots of patience, and I have learned the definition of patience and love over the past two years. I had no idea that accepting her love would also begin a time of healing for me. She is a Gemini, by the way(June 14)...Brat, tell me..what does that mean ??
So....relax...enjoy life...be thankful that you at least know what your preference is at your young age...I was 'in the dark' until I was 35!!
Topaz (I think now you know that you don't talk 'too much" LOL)
Last edited by topaz117 on Fri Apr 15, 2005 12:42 pm; edited 1 time in total
Thu Apr 14, 2005 11:23 pm
undone
Joined: 30 Mar 2005
Posts: 152
oh, i'm glad you all are talking about these things, it's a big help to me, the way you share too is inspiring, my trouble is that i don't know whether to separate from this longterm relationship that i've had for several years or not. So many problems, I was going through a divorce (from a man), she's just coming out of the closet, sort of, still maybe, I'm too intense and want passionate involvement where she was sort of cool and realistic, though that seems to have switched lately, I moved, got a new job, and had to be more realistic to folow my heart, though before I was too controlling and well you probably get the idea. it's such a mess, for a long time she swore she liked only men and since a lot of our relationships' been long distance, it was easy enough to get into role playing, writing the 'man' upon the page, except now that she thinks, sort of, maybe, she's gay, she thiks i'm a man and we can only be friends. i just wonder how thingws can get so messed up, we split for a while, and durng that time i went out with several other women but i coldn't get really involved since i was still hung up on her, it wouldn't have been fair to them, but to me either, i just feel that she's the one, but i don't know why it never works out. If I could have anything, I'd live with her, I've been out long enough to know that Iwant to live with a woman, and everyone here, in my new life, know i'm a lez, and my family knows about her, thugh they're somettimes worried i've been too wrecked by it, i keep believing the past doesn't matter, but i don't know what she wants, it's always been so long distance, and i think she might like to keep it that way, stay married (to a man) and that she thinks reality would be too much of a risk with me, or just too much of a risk, ha, well, i am talking too much, it's so much on my mind, i thought it might be better to separate but i'm afraid that to do that now would mean a completee split, she's going through a lot and i'd like to be there for her, take the chance, even if it turned out not to work out between us, finally, anyway,sorry for talking so much, just can't seem to think about anything else,
undone
Fri Apr 15, 2005 1:30 am
mk
Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 16
Location: tel aviv- israel
thank u topaz, your words r just so calming, i can't find any other word for it
it is so good to talk to somone who understands.
i still don't know what my prefrence is though. i mean i can't realy see my life either way. with a man somthing will always be missing, and a woman- well i'm not completely out, my friends and my close family know, but alot of people don't wich r very close to me, it's easier to be yourself to new people, but thats a different issue to talk about. any way u see i don't wanna hide it's not a way to love. i did that when i was 15 wich made it very exiting at first but then... well u know. meeting a woman now will take me back to where i started, and i don't want that. so it's like a no win situation, though i know the day i will fall inlove again will change all my prospective. right now i don't know wich way is better. when i was younger i could'nt care less about those things i just wanted to be with my love, that was a very unhealthy relationship too, i'm glad we broke up and i'm glad i had it- the things we r expiriencing r what makes us who we r. thank u topaz.
undone- u talk a lot? have u seen my "notes" here? i mean come on?
your story sounds very familiar! it took me ages to split from my ex, i was also so scared it will mean a split forever, and i let her use me for almost 3 years, by keeping me there when she needed to escape her reality, and that was so unhealthy for me i just could'nt move on with my life, and it made me so confused. she made a decision not to be with a woman, she wanted a "normal life" well she cant have both. if it work's out ( the normal life that is) she will be the one to answer that, but it is no longer my problem, cause i realized she will always be here, she is not going anywhere, so why was i so scared of letting go? i think it doesn't metter what people tell u, you will do what u already know u should do when u will be ready, when you will feel inside that it's ok. undone, u deserve somone that will love u in 100% not less! when u don't know what she want's it only means she doesn't know what she wants. and i"m sure she loves you, but she has to choose only one. it's good u r more realistic now it's important to listen to what your head is telling u somtimes. i learned that what ever needs to happen happens, if somthing has to end it will. u r the one that will make it happen sooner or later. it sucks i know i'm sorry i didn't have somthing nicer to say, but what do i know? as i said- only u know the answer.
good luck love,
mk. _________________ a whiter shade of pale.
Fri Apr 15, 2005 3:20 am
topaz117
Joined: 12 Sep 2004
Posts: 44
Location: Southeast USA
Hi, MK..
Please feel free to pm me anytime you wish. I don't pretend to have all of the answers for you, but I have been through a lot in the past three years or so in dealing with realizing 'who I am' and how I wish to spend the rest of my life.
You do not have to make a decision right NOW on your 'preference'. You need to truly know yourself first, before you make the decision to commit yourself to another person...you have
their
life to consider as well before making that huge step. I think the most important lesson we can learn about love is to ask ourselves how we will benefit the other person, too...in other words, 'what do we have to offer'...instead of just 'what do they have to give me'.
You said 'something will always be missing with a man', but you can't live life with a woman because you are only out to your close friends and family. Honey, if you are out to your family, you have half the battle won! I could never tell my parents...for religious reasons first of all..they would just never be able to understand. And only my two closest friends and one family member knows.
My love and I have made the decision to remain 'in the closet' because she has two children, and an ex husband who could make life very complicated. It is hard at times, but I have come to appreciate that no one knows the 'real us'. We do have mutual friends, but to them we are just 'best friends' and they accept us as we are, no matter what they might really think.
You mentioned that you had met the perfect person for you, but he's a man. If the sex of your significant other didn't matter to you, only love and emotional connection, then this man would be enough for you, and you would know it. I think at times, some of us wish we could have been happy with a man...because life with a woman is at times so complicated...however...if he seems so perfect for you, but you know that 'something would be missing with a man', then you kind of have your answer, huh?
Don't be afraid to follow your heart if having a relationship with a woman is really what you desire....
I have found that life with a woman keeps me much more 'honest' with myself than when I was with my husband. I take more responsibility for my part in the relationship, and I embrace the fact that this time it feels like a true partnership.
Whew, I think I'm writing a novel here...but when I read your post, my heart went out to you, and I felt compelled to respond...hope my 'life experience' has helped a bit. Try not to agonize about it for now...things will happen in their own time. Just try to always be honest to yourself about how you feel, and use your heart and your head to make the right choices for YOU, not what everyone else in your life thinks is best for you(which was my case).
Take care,
Topaz
Fri Apr 15, 2005 4:52 am
mk
Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 16
Location: tel aviv- israel
hi topaz,
let me say thank you again for writing.
i'm not looking for wnswers just to share my thoughts, and u have been a perfect partner for that. i don't realy talk to my friends about those things, cause they too think they need to give me answers and i guess i just feel in a weak position when they try to advise me, and it makes me feel not so good about my self- it's a leo thing (im a leo by the way born on august the 14th). i'm used to give advise not to take it, people always come to talk to me. maybe i feel it puts me in a not such of optimistic light, that i appear as a sad person and i hate it.
i know i would want to be with a woman, thuogh i'm atracted to man i can only love a woman. there is no doubt about it. i'm not in denial, and i would never be un true to myself, i can't even if i wanted to, i'm just not that kind of person. though being in the closet is somthing i totally do not wan't, i remember being so unhappy hiding, but i had no choise. that's how we lived, cause all i wanted was her no metter what, i was so inlove with her that my heart got so dependant that after we broke up i was left with nothing, that's why it was so unhealthy! like u said, you need your freedom in a relationship too, u need to have your own life not just to live completely for someone els. if she didn't leave me i believe i'de still be with her, and still hiding.
but now i'm not inlove anymore and i'm scared that i will fall inlove again, and i won't have the strength to say no, cause this is who i am right? and that's how i feel, and when my heart wants somthing it doesn't rest till he gets it. i can't be out. i can't imagine my grandma knowing about me for example, and i am getting older, i'm not a child anymore and i need to think about my futer. what's gonna happen when all of my friends will get married and i will still appear to be alone? how long will i have to keep lieing? u know i would have married that girl if could but the fact we stayed in the closet was also one of the resons we broke up, there was just no where do go from there. what im saying is, i can't see myself happy. somtimes i wish to be a full on lesbian, with no doubts, more then i wish to be striaght, but i cant, i'm just not. so what happens is, that thinking like this is making me loose faith in love, and beeing a non believer keeps love a way, that's why i think i've havn't been with anyone since we broke up, cause that's what i project subconsciously.
so u see it doesn't metter what i want, it just can't happen.
this man i talked about, he comes to family dinners, all my friends and family embrace him, and it feels so good to see him becomming one of the family, knowing all the people i love, to be able to be proud to have him by my side, to know that everyone knows how much he loves me, and how good we r together. that can never happen with a woman. i am proud of my spouse and in my relationships when i'm in one, but i can never "show off" with it to peole, if u know what i mean? even with my parents and friends who do know, i can't always feel comfoetable.
he love's me and accept me the way i am, we r not together if i confused you. but we have a friendship that is so strong that somtimes it does look like we r together, he himself is such a "lissa" in his character lol.
i know that when i'll fall inlove i will just live the way that i'll can, and if it means beeing in the closet it's just the way it's gonna be. but right now when i'm singule i realy don't want to meet a woman cause that will mean problems i don't want to deal with, when on the other hand, i so wanna feel again. i live for love that's my nature, and i feel that i'm not realy living without it, but i keep pushing it away.
why doese it have to be so complicated? thats also why i don't talk with the people i know cause it just exhausts me, and i have probably exhausted you, so...
u sure have helped, your words have away of making "everything is fine" kind of feeling, like there is someone who listens, and somtimes that's just what a person needs, i totally appreciate it.
have a great day,
mk. _________________ a whiter shade of pale.
Fri Apr 15, 2005 3:11 pm
mk
Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 16
Location: tel aviv- israel
p.s- i think i broke a record!
i talked so much about myself i got lost there. i wanted to tell you it sounds like u did been thrugh alot and that is why it's great talking to u.i totally respect you for that.
don't u want somtimes to scream that the whole world will hear how much u love your girlfriend? it must be really hard, but it's good to hear that there r still people who love like that. _________________ a whiter shade of pale.
Fri Apr 15, 2005 4:28 pm
lionsheart
Joined: 03 May 2005
Posts: 19
Location: Netherlands
I'm sure that one day you will love like that to mk _________________ (--Love should be pure--)
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