Ok, so I just joined this forum and I'm going to give this a shot, maybe someone can help me:
Alright, so I'm 18, currently a college freshman and just this year became comfortable with the fact that I'm gay, meaning that I tell people and all my friends know.
The problem is, I look completely straight. I wear dresses and feminine clothing and have long curly hair. All my girl friends are straight, and I just can't seem to get into the gay community here. I've tried going to a couple things but they all just close off around me.
On top of that, I keep having to repeatedly "come out" to everyone because it's not obvious. And the reaction is always, "Really? No Way!" So you can imagine how hard it is to be part of something that I don't fit into, let alone meet anyone I'm interested in.
I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me, like how to fit in better or how to meet other lesbian girls? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Wed Apr 23, 2008 7:22 am
chordphrute
Joined: 04 Jul 2005
Posts: 1412
Location: Nouvelle Orléans, Louisiane
Re: Not Fitting In
quote:Originally posted by tinyperson:
Ok, so I just joined this forum and I'm going to give this a shot, maybe someone can help me:
Alright, so I'm 18, currently a college freshman and just this year became comfortable with the fact that I'm gay, meaning that I tell people and all my friends know.
The problem is, I look completely straight. I wear dresses and feminine clothing and have long curly hair. All my girl friends are straight, and I just can't seem to get into the gay community here. I've tried going to a couple things but they all just close off around me.
On top of that, I keep having to repeatedly "come out" to everyone because it's not obvious. And the reaction is always, "Really? No Way!" So you can imagine how hard it is to be part of something that I don't fit into, let alone meet anyone I'm interested in.
I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me, like how to fit in better or how to meet other lesbian girls? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
hey sweetheart... welcome to Mels.
Congratulations on coming to terms with your sexuality. That was a huge step in the first place. It's getting very late here and I'm almost delirious so I won't write a book (like I usually do), but I wanted to say a few things to you before I forget...
first ... you won't ever stop coming out to people. This is really important to realize. It's one of the things you're stuck in regardless of how many times you come out - the perpetual closet. The good news - it gets a lot easier. The bad news - even if your hair, style, attitude, and the girl on your arm all 'scream' dyke... there will always be those without gaydar. There will always be those naive souls who will say to you "ohmygod I never knew!" - the list goes on. So - you can't do much about that. Changing your hair style and your clothes won't make much of a difference - besides - lesbianism isn't a style - it's a sexuality. You can be who you are. You can have whatever haircut you want. You can wear whatever you want. You can "look straight" as an arrow - it doesn't make you any more or less gay in the eyes of other lesbians, and it shouldn't bother you either.
As for meeting other girls - keep getting involved with things. Campus groups are big - community groups, too. Just keep going to them. Pick out a couple extroverted looking women in those groups, introduce yourself, and have them introduce you to their friends... that helps, too. Another REALLY great way to meet other lesbians/gays is to volunteer with local gay organizations - you basically paint yourself rainbow (figuratively most of the time) when you do it, so you're bound to meet a few like-minded individuals.
And hell - you're 18 - get it tattooed on your forehead if ya like ...
Just kiddin ' ... but really, I know you're self-conscious still about your sexuality... but if anything gets across, please know that you don't need to conform yourself to a label, in or out of the lesbian culture.
Take care,
Chord _________________ "You can't kiss and keep your eyes open, they'll cross forever" - Rubyfruit Jungle
Wed Apr 23, 2008 8:11 am
Cavewoman
Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 2056
Location: nearby
I can't add to what chord so thoroughly stated... i'm posting just to let you know that your post has been read, thought about, pondered... AND understood....
what Chord has said is ALLLLLL true.... just keep smiling and believing...
and the constantly "coming out" part?... yep, you'll be doin that forever... remember though, its not you that's confused... its the rest of 'em.... a little guidance never hurts... _________________ " The sorcerers in life are created within each of us" --- Lynn V. Andrews
Thu Apr 24, 2008 6:27 am
twilight
Joined: 29 Sep 2004
Posts: 1035
Location: First Star on the Right Straight on til Morning
I thought about you off and on all evening. Why? Because I have the same problem you do. And it is not that I am ultra femme. Sometimes tattooing it to my forehead seems like it might have worked, lol.
I cope by doing a couple of things. I wear a pride band at all times. It is not BAMM! in your face, but if someone suspects that I might be, that confirms it for them. I found several good friends in the community. They make it easier when I am out in the public. Nothing deters a man who thinks I am out with a bunch of my girlfriends, but at least they are not afraid to tell him that I am not interested.
My advice to you would be to get some sort of identifying jewelry. Not really wanting a rainbow rubber band on you wrist that is fine. There are lots of choices out there. Some very descreet and upscale. Also find a friend or two in the community. They can introduce you to others. They can defend your choice.
(((((((((((tinyperson)))))))))) _________________ Twilight, Her Royal Highness, The Queen of Fun and Games
The lengthening shadows wait The first pale stars of twilight. ~~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
Thu Apr 24, 2008 10:49 am
tinyperson
Joined: 23 Apr 2008
Posts: 2
Location: Miami
Thank you so much for all your responses, they really helped me out, and it's helpful to know that I don't have to look a certain way (although I'm not so sure the girls around here believe that).
I'm going to try the jewelery thing for sure, as far as the tattoo goes...eh, well, we'll see if the jewelery works first...
Thanks Again.
Fri Apr 25, 2008 7:41 am
Kate_1512
Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Posts: 9
Location: Canada
Girl, the description you gave of yourself sounds alot like me. I'm as gay as they get but apparently I look straight too. What does looking straight even mean? It's silly. Being gay is a sexual orientation not a fashion sense. I keep my hair long because it looks better on me that way. I wear make-up because it makes me feel good. I wear loose jeans and tshirts because it's comfortable. I kiss girls because I like them. When people are shocked that I'm gay I ask them why and repeat what I said above. What matters is that you're confident being who you are.
As for meeting other girls, someone suggested wearing a pride bracelt, that's a good idea. Also, go checkout some gay bars/clubs, etc.
Goodluck!
Sat Apr 26, 2008 4:11 am
Purp
Joined: 20 May 2008
Posts: 174
Location: I'm at my computer
You mentioned you were in college (University). Most colleges have a lot of social clubs, including a GLBTQ club of some sort (or clubs, depending on the size). Have you checked it out yet? Give it a whirl. Are you in a major metropolitan area? I'm with Kate--check out the gay clubs. For that matter, use the internet. Google Lesbian happenings and (your city) and see what pops up. Best of luck to you. _________________ Smile! You are loved!
Tue May 27, 2008 5:26 am
findyourpassion
Joined: 24 Aug 2006
Posts: 82
Don't change who you are just because other people have this distorted image in their head of what a lesbian "should" look and act like. Some things I do fit into the stereotype, others don't. I don't make my decisions of how to look and act based on the fact that I'm gay, I make them based on personality and what I want! Think of yourself as helping to edcuate these people that all lesbians aren't the steretypical "dyke" that they have in their heads.
Sat Jun 14, 2008 3:40 am
quirkz
Joined: 03 Apr 2008
Posts: 11
Location: Los Angeles, CA
I didn't have a clue that I was gay in college but I would have probably frequented the LGBT center. What's helped me most was going on meetup.com and joining LGBT groups in my area, I hang out with mainly those folks now, it's been really easy and mellow and fun. And the best part is a lot of the people who go to events are first timers so everyone is meeting someone new.
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