Hi, my name is Lori and I'm 19 turning 20 at the end of the month. I am still confused about my sexual identity which has resulted in much frustration.
I don't know where to start, so I guess I'll just start talking about the first thing that comes to mind,
As of a couple weeks ago I was certain that I was asexual. It's an orientation that pertains to people who do not experience sexual attraction for either gender. While this place finally felt like I found the missing piece to the puzzle, I can't deny I also believed it could be used to hide a part of myself I was scared to think about.
Well, after a while the nagging little feeling at the back of my head won and I allowed the thought of my "curiosity" to enter my mind. I have only had boyfriends in the past. My standards have always been high, and the relationships I have had only lasted three months at most. After a while I noticed a pattern... Every time the relationship started to reach a physical level beyond 2nd base, I pulled away and ended it. 99.9% of the time, they instigated physical affection which I went along with because I felt obligated. However, I was always able to come up with other non-sexual related reasons to break up with my bf's, so I didn't think it necessary to further investigate my hesitation in being physical with them. Furthermore, I was sexually assaulted to the 2nd degree at age 9. I believe that is an inhibitor as well.
Fast forward to my present state of mind.. I've been doing a lot of inner reflection, comparing my real feelings towards guys and girls from a fresh perspective. I have found that all my life I have made my deepest emotional connections with girls. I feel more myself around girls, and am curious as to what it would be like to at least kiss a girl. I've only felt "butterflies" with a guy once, and that was years ago. I've never felt butterflies around girls but I think it's because I haven't allowed myself to do so. My parents, especially my dad and brother are both very homophobic. I believe my mom is indifferent, but would be disappointed if I was a lesbian.
On that note, my parents have already asked if I am a lesbian; long story short, they thought I was a lesbian with my best friend which we were not and are not to this day - case closed.
So I don't know what to think anymore. I guess I'll just stay positive Any thoughts?!
Mon Apr 14, 2008 4:33 pm
MysteryGirl Moderators
Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder
Hello, and welcome to Mels 6421
Now, take a deep breath................let it out slowly. Repeat. There, are you feeling better yet? You are still young and have a lot of life experiences ahead of you, don't be sto anxious to pin a 'label' on yourself regarding your sexuality. Enjoy your current friends and make new ones, have fun, smile, take each day as the gift it is, spend more time actively engaging the world and less time reflecting. Please don't think Im dismissing how you feel but sometimes time is all that is necessary.
Read some of the Forums here like Coming Out and you will find lots of women with similar concerns, come into Chat, check out the Poetry and Story boards, this is a good place to just be you. _________________ Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!
Mon Apr 14, 2008 7:42 pm
6421
Joined: 14 Apr 2008
Posts: 9
Thanks
Lol, -takes a few deep breathes- I know I'm probably over-analyzing some things right now but it felt good to talk about it. Thanks for the welcome Noni - I'm definitely going to be doing a lot of reading around here.
Mon Apr 14, 2008 8:17 pm
Angel1 Moderators
Joined: 09 Mar 2007
Posts: 1518
Location: U.K
Hello 6421
Welcome To ~ Mels~ i hope that you find what you are looking for on your pathway.You'll find everyone here to be so supportive and so friendly.Pop into chat sometime,it's a great place to meet and make new friends.
((((((hugs)))))
Angel1 x _________________ "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience."
-Pierre Teilhard de Chardin (1881-1955)
Mon Apr 14, 2008 10:27 pm
6421
Joined: 14 Apr 2008
Posts: 9
..
I am in the midst of doing just that actually
Mon Apr 14, 2008 11:57 pm
Eilidh Moderators
Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880
Hi Lori,
Welcome to Mels! Find a comfy spot and relax for a bit. The tea and cookies are on their way
Thank you for sharing so much of your story. It makes my heart smile to see the term "asexual" pop up more and more often in a positive light around here. I identify as asexual lesbian, so I can understand that part of where you are coming from. However, I also think it's crucial that you examine those issues of sexual abuse, which you seem to be doing already. Good for you.
Take a look around the boards: there's this "general" section, as well as sections for poetry and stories. There's plenty to do and see around here. It's like your own personal adventure
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Any thoughts?!
You are still young and have a lot of life experiences ahead of you, don't be sto anxious to pin a 'label' on yourself regarding your sexuality. Enjoy your current friends and make new ones, have fun, smile, take each day as the gift it is, spend more time actively engaging the world and less time reflecting. Please don't think Im dismissing how you feel but sometimes time is all that is necessary.
