I have known I was a lesbian pretty much my entire life. From first grade, I started to hold hands/kiss girls. By the time I was 11, I started to become physically and emotionally attracted to girls. I went to my mother and started to tell her this when I was 14 and she cut me off from saying anything further and told me not to 'ruin my life'.
At age 15, I met my first girlfriend. We dated in secret and ultimately, because of my fear, I broke her heart and broke up with her. From the age of 12 through now, I date men in the open to keep suspicion down. I had one other girlfriend my junior year and that was it.. Now, I have been dating a man for 3 years. Two of those three were online and I didn't have to commit much physically in the relationship. I moved across the country and now live with him. I resist all physical contact I can. I am just not attracted to males. I have been dating him to do two things. 1.) Convince myself I am straight. 2) Convince my parents I am straight. Unfortunately all I have done is brought this poor man into my problems and decieved my parents as well as myself.
I have decided to step out...end these lies...and move forward in my life. Unfortunately doing so, I will have no body. My parents already have told me if I am gay, they will no longer love me. My boyfriend will obviously want nothing to do with me, not even on a friendship level. So, I am feeling a bit out of sorts. Seems to me, I am not sure what I should do. At this point, I actually considered living the lie and miserable state for the rest of my life just so I won't be alone.
I don't really know what advice I want/need...I guess this is more of a vent saying...I know I screwed up....and I don't know how to change the last 22 years of my life.
Sat Mar 08, 2008 7:44 pm
Cavewoman
Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 2056
Location: nearby
sounds like you're finally being honest with yourself, how about being honest with that poor fella you've been draggin around? he deserves to live his life with attainable expectations...
as to the rest of all that? well, to some degree we've probably all done a bit of lying in our pre-coming out days.... what do you do? that is up to you.. as is the rest of your life... nobody can tell you what to do... i CAN assure that not lying about anything will take some of the weight of your shoulders... who you tell the whole truth to is again, entirely up to you.
not much help.... but i remember the guilt of some of those lies and can only tell you that's its nice to not have it roaming around in my head
hang in there... growing up isn't easy. _________________ " The sorcerers in life are created within each of us" --- Lynn V. Andrews
Sun Mar 09, 2008 2:11 am
cateal
Joined: 28 Feb 2008
Posts: 3
Maybe you should leave your boyfriend. For one thing you're unhappy in the relationship. And for another it's unfair to him.
But, you certainly don't have to come out to anyone. You can accept yourself and be true to yourself without declaring it to everyone . If that would just garner the animosity of all the people you know, then it would make life very difficult.
If however you are ready to ignore the criticism and judgment of people in your life then you should go ahead and be true to yourself and everyone else. If they don't accept you for who you are then, in a way, they aren't very good friends/family anyways.
If you need support, maybe you could make new, more accepting friends first? get a better support network? No one has to know until you're ready for them to know.
Mon Mar 10, 2008 10:12 am
findyourpassion
Joined: 24 Aug 2006
Posts: 82
The first step is getting out of your current relationship because it's not fair to you or to they guy. After than you can decide when and to whom to come out. I think even being out of this relationship will make you feel much freer, even if you don't tell anyone why.
Fri Mar 14, 2008 3:00 am
sarah kristine
Joined: 15 Mar 2008
Posts: 3
Location: somewhere on the beach under the sun :)
oh hon,
please don't live your life miserably just because no one will "accept" who you truly are. at the moment I am in a relationship with a man and although im not lesbian, i am bi and feel strongly for girls/women. i am with my bf because i love
him
as a person, not just his gender. if you can't love this man, and you are truly unhappy you need to get out of this hole your in at the moment. if your family will not accept you, then they arent really your family. maybe by blood but not by heart. move somewhere, or move in with another friend, and be honest. you'll be amazed at how great you feel when you do.
i hope things get better...
kristine
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