Joined: 01 Mar 2005
Posts: 11
Location: New Orleans
Must unload!
Ok gals, I've got years of unloading to do here! So scussy me if it turns out to be an uncohearant jumble.
Only half the ton of bricks has hit my head n' I've relized I have no interest in men aside from friendship. BIG relief to know I just plain don't like 'em in a romanticly way as.. well being a woman the general idea is to be with men so says most of society. Ok tried that n' thought I was some sort of heartless freak who didn't have the capacity to love.. that's a seriously harsh way to view oneself!! I've dated n' dated n' found a few men that I "should have" fallen head over heels with, we were perfectly matched, everyone loved us as a couple, same interest, got along great until the bedroom. I wanted it over as quickly as possible, I'd get pissed off if they tried to pleasure me.. just get yours n' be done already! I hated public shows of affection as it just seemed unnatural n' I felt ashamed to be with a man. Only once I let my family meet a boyfriend n' I instantly regreted it, again more feeling shame. Men flirt with me, I want to smack 'em as if they have no right to be attracted to me n' expect any positive reaction from me. I gave up men three eyars ago n' haven't once since felt the need for another. Bout a week ago I was doing some soul searching about my sexuality n' came up with... I don't like men.. heh what do ya know! Seems silly that such a simple realization could have me nearly dancing in the streets n' giggling like a school girl. But since admiting that to myself I've felt such an increadable peace of mind, walking around with the goofiest grin on my face. Ok half the sexual identity crisis over with! Now for the hard part it seems
If I know I don't like men it seems reasonable that I'd prefer women, but that relization hasn't hit yet and I feel awfly silly trying to figure it out. It's like standing in an Ice Cream shop trying to decide if you'd like that double scoop of blueberry ice cream or not without having never tasted blueberries.
I move around alot for work n' I usually work myself silly so I don't end up with the free time to go meet people. After school I had a rough bout of depression/anxiety n' avoided friendships all together, so I haven't been around any women which means I haven't had the chance to find out that way if I'm emotionally attracted to women. n' the only women I'm around now are older retiree's as I work at RV parks... that's not gonna help. As far as being sexually attracted to women.. is that enough of a clue? I've always admired the feminime body. I exclusivly use women in my art but figured I didn't draw men as they've got silly bodies. I'm always looking at women when I'm out n' about but told myself I was looking at how well they dress n' how nicely their cloths fit, like that perfect pair of jeans that makes someones bum look amazing. Or else I told myself I was trying to compare their looks against mine. I can't imagine that wanting or getting excited about the idea of sex with a woman would be the best way to know.. I mean look at what some um more adventures people I guess you could call them like sexually or get turned on by. So that leaves emotional, but back to I haven't been around women since school n' I couldn't get into a relationship with a woman not being sure if I could love her, that'd be horrible to accidentaly toy with someone.. so that leaves developing feelings for a woman n' that'd most likely be a friend n' with traveling I don't have the time to get close to anyone n' I think I forgot how to meet people. *cue the frustrated scream*
Ok I feel bout 15 pounds lighter with all those thoughts cleared out of my head. So still confused but feeling lighter
Tue Mar 01, 2005 9:55 pm
nikki369
Joined: 01 Mar 2005
Posts: 1
Location: Michigan
I just joined this site and I came across your posting. Congratulations on your epiphany, I remember feeling similiar joy and giddiness. As for the concept of being physically attracted to women, don't push yourself, when you find the woman that fits with you, you won't feel the need to question whether or not you can be physically attracted...you'll just know. Take your time, reflect on your realization and just remain as honest to yourself and others as you possibly can be. I hope that helps a bit. Good luck!
Nikki
Tue Mar 01, 2005 10:49 pm
Ready2bme
Joined: 07 Feb 2005
Posts: 50
Location: Detroit, MI
I just went through the same "epiphany" recently. It has definately made my direction more clear, but it's been scary too. It's like my whole world just kinda flipped upside down. It's feels great to finally be honest with myself, but going through all of the conflicts with indentity and dealing with all of the new questions I now have, has been a bit odd and overwhelming. I agree with Nicki in that you shouldn't push yourself, but rather reflect on your new realization. That's what I have been doing anyway, and it's working so far.
I know who I'm not interested in now (men) and I trust that when the right somebody (women) comes along that I'll understand alot more about myself then. Just letting the clock tick for now... _________________ I'd rather be hated for who I am then loved for what I am not!
Wed Mar 02, 2005 12:06 am
Phoenix Moderators
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 1664
Location: Tallahassee Florida
Welcome to the boards...... I suggest looking for a local LGBT group in town or a nearby town. It is helpful to just be around some lesbians in a chat group. We have our meetings every Wednesday night, and go out to dinner afterwards. It's not a pick up place, but that has happened. The point is, get involved. The family tree LGBT group has specific sponsored nights at the local gay bar, ours is the 3rd Friday of every month, and boy the woman come out in droves.....
We also have game night, and lots of us play poker or some other games. So, as you see, there are possibilities, you just need to start doing some looking in my humble opinion.
Smiles,
brat _________________ "A little work won't hurt you bad, but just in case I'm wrong, you'll be smiling when they pronounce you dead." Amanda Marshall 'This could take all night
Wed Mar 02, 2005 2:34 am
BonsaiDragon
Joined: 01 Mar 2005
Posts: 11
Location: New Orleans
Thanks
I'll look into finding a LGBT at the next job. Time's almost up at this one (thank goodness, been working me like a dog here) N' I didn't mean to come off so impatient about not knowing, just needed to let all the thoughts that have been couped up in my head out some place safe w/o the worry of judging I'm just relieved I'm not the hopeless case I thought I was not being able to feel for someone.. was just trying to force feelings for the wrong gender. N' I spose I know the truth already, guess I'm not as sure as I thought about my family being supportive.
Wed Mar 02, 2005 3:06 am
kendall
Joined: 24 Jan 2005
Posts: 99
Location: New York, US
bonsai,
i am currently going thru just that...im not sure if my family will support the fact that I have a girlfriend. The know we live together, have dogs, but that is it. I think they have some clue, but to tell them petrifys me. _________________ 49er FAN 4 LIFE.
Wed Mar 02, 2005 5:01 pm
topaz117
Joined: 12 Sep 2004
Posts: 44
Location: Southeast USA
Welcome to MelsWeb,
I have to chuckle at your 'excuses' to yourself about why you have always liked to look at other women. I was the same way...I mean, how does one really know how much other women look at women? I mean, it's not something we really ask each other (not in a hetero environment, anyway). So, I always told myself that it was 'normal' for me to notice other women..what they wore, how they looked, probably because I wanted to look like them. It was always in the back of mind, though, too...that when I watched a romantic movie, or read a romance novel, that I was usualley more interested in the woman than the man. Like you, I was that way for years...until I finally faced the fact that I was really interested in women...I liked
women
, I liked
being
with women, and I really wanted to
touch
women. I became aware that my friendships with women meant more to me than my relationship with my husband.
I feel as if my head was in the sand for years...and then when everything became clear, I felt like you...a bit silly, giddy, and kind of scared...but ready to face my future.
In the almost two years since that realization, my entire existence has been re-defined. I have totally changed every facet of my life. I am with the most amazing woman, and I don't have that feeling anymore that "something is wrong with me and I can't figure it out". I'm not saying that life has been perfect, but it feels good being "me" these days.
Take your time...you are young...really learn to listen to your true self. You will figure it out...and it doesn't hurt to find someone to talk to who has gone down the same path.
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