Hello everyone! I've never really written much about this in detail before, so I apologize in advance if it's confusingly written or hard to follow.
I've never *really* been romantically interested in anyone at all until around the age of 18 -- I grew up in a violent household, and I guess I never really had the time or the energy to think about those kinds of things.
Anyways, I went off to college, and ended up rooming with a lesbian woman who I developed a huge crush on. I think she felt the same way, but she was in a long-distance relationship at the time so things never really developed. It was really obvious to everyone around us, though, and I became friends with a lot of her friends and I guess became part of our college's little lesbian scene. I guess I could have tried dating then, but I really only had eyes for my friend, and kept hoping that she'd leave her then-girlfriend so that we could get together but it never happened.
My family caught on to what was going on, which is really kind of dumb in retrospect because I caught the whole "you're going to hell for even THINKING about dating a woman!" mess without even being involved with anyone! My friend ended up dropping out of college due to her parents pulling financial support after they found out she was lez, and I dropped out a semester later due to family drama finally catching up with me. I fell in love with a man, and moved across the state to be with him. We've been together for two years now, and he's been dropping hints about proposing to me. At the same time, though, I really don't know what to think about my bisexual feelings.
I'm physically attracted to men -- the only way I can really describe it is as being a subconscious, instinctual thing. I have concrete standards as to what I think of as "attractive" in guys, and just find them to be more sexually attractive than women in general. When I think about dating women, it's a much deeper, emotional prospect -- kind of like being *really* good friends. I've never done more than cuddle with another woman, but if I had sex I imagine it'd be done mostly as a means of emotional fulfillment.
Anyways, this brings me back to the part where I wrote about never really thinking about relationships until late in my teens -- I get the idea that I should have figured this sort of thing out back in middle/high school, and now I'm just confused. I love my boyfriend, but at the same time, I still have a huge crush on my old friend. I don't want to make any serious commitments and then years later realize that while I like guys, I don't *really* like guys. At the same time, I don't want to leave my boyfriend to test the waters, so to speak, and end up breaking his heart. I realize that I should probably figure things out one way or another, though, and that's why I'm posting here!
Could anyone who's been through a situation like this please help me out? I have the feeling that there's some sort of "So you think you might be lesbian..." or "Hey, you're bisexual!" guide I should be reading, but I haven't really come across anything helpful after some cursory googling. I've read through the forums here a bit, but I'm still pretty confused. I'd really appreciate advice from anyone who's been in this sort of position before, and how things turned out!
Wed Jan 09, 2008 9:48 pm
Blue_bandana
Joined: 01 Oct 2007
Posts: 49
I've never been in that situation, but I'll give you my two cents anyway.
The guide that you should be reading is that one right there inside you. Absolutely the best guide ever created. I would, as I would with anyone who's questioning their sexuality, suggest that labels take a backseat until your feelings are better understood. You are in a bit of a different situation, but I think that still applies to you. Focus on feelings and the internal mechanics, rather than worrying about putting a label on them. The label will become clearer when you are able to understand your feelings and are sure of them.
You're in love with your boyfriend and yet you still have a crush on this other person. I'm not polyamorous, so to me this would indicate an issue right there. If you are, than I may be way off track for you. If I were in love with my partner yet still had a crush on someone from my past. So much so that it makes me question my sexuality, I would have to take a step back and look at my relationship. Forget whether or not you're bisexual, lesbian, or straight...I think maybe the first issue should be whether or not you are happy in that relationship and if it is fulfilling to you.
I'm not bisexual and I would believe that may very well inhibit me from being able to see that point of view. Call me biased. However, I do believe that questions we have about ourself are questions that we already have the answers to. There's a difference between curiosity and truly questioning ones sexuality. I think the latter can be an answer in and of itself. Meaning, if you're truly questioning your sexuality, than there's something inside you that is waving a red flag. Someone who feels 100% comfortable and right in their current way, may ponder the thought, but would not go to the extent of questioning in full. I hope this makes sense. Point being, I think our subconscious mind will tell us when something may be a miss. Having serious questions is an example of that.
Step back and focus on your relationship with your current boyfriend. Look long term. How do you feel when you are in that picture. Does it feel right? Is that something you want? Look at the way things are now and ask yourself if you are happy in this relationship. Is he what you want. Worry not about this other person, because if that is indeed where your heart/mind are at...I would think that it would show itself by doing the above. Know what I mean?
After responding, I can understand why you'd want feedback from someone in a similar situation. I hope my response wasn't a backtracker.
I wish you the best, Forgotten Angel.
~Blue
Thu Jan 10, 2008 10:49 am
Forgotten Angel
Joined: 09 Jan 2008
Posts: 2
Blue: Thank you for your input! I guess I did put too much emphasis on the whole "labels" thing, though it would make everything simpler if it were so cut and dry.
I've been more or less happy in the relationship, but the whole "future" thing is kind of hazy. I guess I really do have a lot to think about, and will try to keep a diary of sorts over the next few weeks to try and figure out what exactly I'm looking for out of life and where I'll be able to find it. A lot of it is that I'm terrified of hurting him, which I really need to set aside so that I can really look at myself. Hopefully I'll be able to come to some sort of resolution, so that I won't have these nagging thoughts in the back of my mind forever.
Fri Jan 11, 2008 1:11 am
Blue_bandana
Joined: 01 Oct 2007
Posts: 49
Labels just seem to add this extra pressure if you're not already sure. Course, everyone's different. But oooh, do I know what you mean about the cut and dry.
Just be honest with yourself above all else. Your resolution will become clearer and you, my friend, will be in a much better place within yourself. That will show on the outside too.
I understand being terrified of hurting him, but that's not your intent. In fact, your intent is to keep that from happening by being honest with yourself about how you feel. I'm sure he'd rather you do that, than to carry on with him and still have these unresolved feelings and questions. Be honest with him and no matter what may come, you did the right thing.
Best wishes.
~Blue
Fri Jan 11, 2008 1:39 pm
cherries07
Joined: 14 Dec 2007
Posts: 4
I don't really have a lot of advice for you because I am just moving forward from a situation similar. I have always known I had feelings towards women but went ahead and married a man. We were married for 5 years when I met and fell in love with a woman. We are in the process of divorcing now. I feel so much happier inside now that I am honest with him and honest with myself. My only regret is that I had to hurt him. He is a good man and doesn't deserve to be hurt, but most importantly he didn't deserve to be lied to. I think you need to put the feelings of being terrified to hurt your boyfriend aside and do what you need to do in order to be happy. It may hurt him if you need a break to discover yourself, but if he really loves you he will eventually be able to see that you were doing what you had to do now in order to make sure you didn't hurt or let him down in the future. I know it's hard, but just follow your heart. There is a book called Living two lives: Married to a Man, In Love With a Woman. I know you aren't married, but it's a good book and I think it may help. Best of luck to you.
Thu Jan 17, 2008 3:14 am
Mystic
Joined: 23 Oct 2006
Posts: 194
I have struggled with my sexuality.
I am with my first and only girl now, and going on a yr and a half with her. I love it and it was the most natural thing.
It is SO much than emotional with a woman. It IS ReaL.
If you like guys, that's fine. If you like women, I think that is fine too.
Just be try to honest with yourself as cherries talks about, go by your heart and try to not follow just what others approve or disapprove. Not everyone will, not everyone will disagree either.
By the way, being with a woman in a sensual intimate committed relationship is more than just emotional . It's real .
take care,
tammy
*I forgot to add that Iwas married for 8 yrs. I have been with men before. Never felt the same as it was with Moonie, my girl.
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
Gallery
FAQ
Profile PM's 
. It's real 
.
