i'm confused ... bet you get this all the time ;) Goto page 1, 2Next
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unsignified
Joined: 23 Feb 2005
Posts: 2
i'm confused ... bet you get this all the time ;)
I've been looking around the boards and you ladies seem pretty awesome, so I thought I'd ask you about what's been on my mind lately.
I've been questioning my sexuality pretty seriously. I've had boyfriends most of the time since I was 16 (I'm 22 now), but I've never been that crazy about the idea of having sex with a guy. Even when I am interested in one, I forget to give a second thought to what's in his pants. When things get too intimate in bed, I sort of zone out. This has been a major issue with my boyfriend of two years -- he's my best friend, sweet and caring if a bit immature, but I just don't want to get it on. Cuddling and a bit of kissing is nice, but anything more and I shut down. He wants more, and while I understand and respect that, I'm just not feelin' it. Luckily, we can and do discuss such things, and I think it's going to come down to us going our separate ways romantically. We both want ourselves and each other to be truly happy.
I've always preferred to look at women rather than men. In junior high when all the girls were putting up magazine photos of hot guys in their locker, I didn't feel similarly inspired. I liked looking at girls, but since putting up those pictures and getting teased mercilessly was out of the question, I put up poetry and stuff instead. Even now my attentions gravitate towards beautiful women ... but rarely men. I don't know if that means I want to have sex with women. I've never tried it.
I don't want to be a man's wife or girlfriend. Does that make any sense? That role is not me. The idea of getting married freaks me out. I would feel trapped, stuck fulfilling a man's expectations regardless of how I felt about it.
I've always been less intimidated by authority than other girls/women I know.
I have no father figure. I have a father, he's married to my mother even, but he's never played much of a role in my life. He's more like the distant uncle who only occasionally has half a clue what's going on with me. People think I should be angry about this. To the contrary, I have been used to it for a long, long time. They say our parents' relationships are a model for our own. I see him as a liability to my mother, who has put up with a lot, gone a little crazy, but survived.
My aunt is a lesbian. I figured this out by myself around age 12 because my family never discussed it. I was so angry and hurt that no one had ever talked to me about it -- I assumed they thought I wasn't adult enough to handle it -- that I sulked in silence for six years. When I graduated from high school I mentioned it to my mom, who is not in the least homophobic. She said she just didn't think it needed to be discussed since it shouldn't make a difference in how we feel about her. I've since come to understand that it's more of a generational thing and accepted it, at least consciously. My aunt and her partner live halfway across the country so I only see them once a year, but I wish I could spend more time with them. Her partner and I have a lot of interests in common, and they're both really fun people. I lived with them one summer and had a great time. Their relationship is a much better example than my parents'.
I've toyed with the idea of going to my university's LGBTSA just to meet people. I've long considered myself a straight ally and found the "gay culture" (if there is such a thing) very supportive. One of my best friends, a guy, is the president. But all this is complicated by the fact that I am a prominent writer for the paper, something of a public figure, and I generally write the "gay" stories. I take pride in doing this well, and getting too close to the organization would harm my credibility. Plus it's a little intimidating.
In short, I don't feel very straight. I just haven't quite figured out what I am then. If that makes any sense. I've been wondering this for a long time but for one reason or another have not given it the attention it deserves.
I know it's up to me to figure out and it will take time. I know. Just wondering if you ladies had experienced anything similar.
Cheers,
unsignified
Wed Feb 23, 2005 6:17 am
wyldhart
Joined: 02 Dec 2004
Posts: 1216
Hey Babe-
First of all, I'd like to welcome you to Mels. A truly wonderful place filled with beautiful talented people. I'm sure you will get plenty of excellent advice here-->>once everyone wakes up
Sounds like you're in-between and be-twixed.
I can relate to most of what you're saying due to my own personal experience of my feelings. Although for me, I had no fear of consequences of my coming out as a lesbian. I had the same feelings that you describe about men...they just didn't do it for me...and I definately didn't see myself growing old with one. I didn't "come out" of the closet...I busted the door off the hinges when I was 18, lol. Never looked back. I think we all deal with it in a different way. It was my choice, as it is my life. I refused to think of living my life to please the masses.Those who were dear to me accepted me for who I am, not what I am. I hope in hanging out at Mels that you find your truth. "Life is a journey, not a destination". Enjoy your journey
Hugs
wyld _________________ "wyld in the darkest places of your mind"
Wed Feb 23, 2005 8:44 am
confused22
Joined: 28 Jan 2005
Posts: 36
sounds a lot like me. hell, look at my user name
Wed Feb 23, 2005 3:58 pm
unsignified
Joined: 23 Feb 2005
Posts: 2
LOL, we are both confused and 22. Don't worry, I won't steal your identity.
Only I'm not in love with my best friend, I don't even have a lot of close female friends. It seems that's what did it for a lot of people. I tend to connect more with guys, friendship-wise, and then get disappointed at the point where the great conversation stops because they're trying to get in my pants. A lot of women I know are so timid that they get freaked out by any hint of disagreement. Drives me crazy. Guess I'm mostly talking about straight ladies here. I don't know many lesbians my age, just a bunch of middle-aged ones.
And it's not that I'm afraid of coming out, exactly. Hell, the bf was joking with another guy once that I was a lez, and he asked if I was offended, and I thought it was funny. I like confusing people. It seems more respectable somehow to be independent of a guy. Bf and I are in sort of the same field, and I'm applying for an internship where he currently works. It bothers me that he talks about "his girlfriend" all the time to people there ... they will know me as "his girlfriend" and not as myself. This is the same reason I don't feel comfortable hanging out with the new friends he's made recently. I don't want to be a tag-along.
Before college I would have done anything to quiet insinuations that I liked girls ... small town and all. Now I don't care what people think about my sexuality. It's more an issue of the organization ... if I'm part of it I can't report on it, and *somebody's* got to do it.
Wed Feb 23, 2005 4:50 pm
ARCHANGEL
Joined: 25 Mar 2005
Posts: 7
Location: alberta,
you are not alone
you know i'm 34 and i have a crush for a 22 year old girl at work. i just began working in the company about a month and a half ago. i want to tell her how a i feel about her and i'm struggling on whether i should say anything and more than anything on how to approach her. i know she looks at me and i look at her but i feel shy staring for too long because too many people are around. well all i want to say is that i hear what you are saying and i have felt that way since forever so just be true to yourself and what you feel because your happiness and knowing who you are is where you find peace of mind.
Mon Mar 28, 2005 8:20 am
Mairi bheag
Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 5094
Location: Scotland
Hi Unsignified.
As one of the middle-aged ones [and someone with enough strange stories in her life to fill a CD ROM], my best piece of advice is - be yourself.
I know that's a little trite; but it seems to me that you actually have yourself figured out pretty well, and its the way that other people relate to you that is the problem. Well, that's life. I have had some wonderful male friends - yes, men can be platonic friends - but we have to live in a world where they too have their sexuality, and believe me heterosexual people have problems dealing with their sexuality too. Being able to set your own personal space and your own personal rules remains a challenge throughout one's life. By and large, people have goodwill, and are willing to try; we all have our culture and our prejudices and, to a greater or lesser degree, try to overcome them or live with them.
I hope you draw strength from the people on this forum. Frankly they amaze
me
sometimes...
Mon Mar 28, 2005 10:06 am
Ready2bme
Joined: 07 Feb 2005
Posts: 50
Location: Detroit, MI
Sounds like me too!!!! Oh what to do.....????? Wish I had some good advice, but unfortunately I'm just as confused. But I've got plenty of similar experiences, just ask.... _________________ I'd rather be hated for who I am then loved for what I am not!
Fri Apr 01, 2005 4:58 am
confused22
Joined: 28 Jan 2005
Posts: 36
quote:Originally posted by Ready2bme:
Sounds like me too!!!! Oh what to do.....????? Wish I had some good advice, but unfortunately I'm just as confused. But I've got plenty of similar experiences, just ask....
slut
Fri Apr 01, 2005 7:06 pm
Ready2bme
Joined: 07 Feb 2005
Posts: 50
Location: Detroit, MI
Don't listen to confused22, shes emotional disturbed. thanx slut. _________________ I'd rather be hated for who I am then loved for what I am not!
Fri Apr 01, 2005 7:11 pm
Mairi bheag
Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 5094
Location: Scotland
Do you two carry on like this
all
the time?
Fri Apr 01, 2005 7:12 pm
confused22
Joined: 28 Jan 2005
Posts: 36
yes, we're special
Fri Apr 01, 2005 7:13 pm
Mairi bheag
Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 5094
Location: Scotland
You can say that again.
Fri Apr 01, 2005 7:15 pm
confused22
Joined: 28 Jan 2005
Posts: 36
Fri Apr 01, 2005 7:16 pm
confused22
Joined: 28 Jan 2005
Posts: 36
me and Ready2BeMe!!
Fri Apr 01, 2005 7:23 pm
Mairi bheag
Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 5094
Location: Scotland
quote:Originally posted by confused22:
me and Ready2BeMe!!
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thanx slut.
