I Finally told my mom I was in love with a woman :..(
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babydoll4u
Joined: 28 Aug 2004
Posts: 11
Location: Tucson, AZ
I Finally told my mom I was in love with a woman :..(
I would really like some advice. I feel like my world is not mine anymore. Im married and my husband and I have already discussed our plans on divorcing, I have 3 children ages 18, 14, and 11. My mother asked if it was true I was going to get a divorce I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to release all of my skeletons(so to speak) My mom is very intuitive, she witnessed me and my girlfriend talking outside of work one day and instantly became suspisous. Immediately she asked my younger sister, knowing my sister & I are very close. To make a long story short my mother informed me I was sick in the head, I need to see a priest, I wasnt born sick, Im going to fuck my kids heads up. Kept calling my girlfriend a cunt. Than asked me if I was going to live with her, I explained once everything is settled with the divorce yes. She asked me not to until she was dead. I explained that why would she want her child to be miserable, that her love should be unconditional and she should want me happy. Where we left off in our conversation is she'll talk to me because she has no choice im her daughter, but she doesnt want my girlfriend anywhere near her because she'll tell her off. Im really confused and hurt by the things she was saying to me. Im questioning if I will ruin my childrens life they are all girls and my mom put so much negativity in my mind that Im unsure. I would like to think that I have raised my girls to be opened minded but I dont know. Please help _________________ Life is not measured by the breath's we take, but by moments that take our breath away!
Tue Feb 01, 2005 10:25 pm
Phoenix Moderators
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 1664
Location: Tallahassee Florida
Wow, babydoll, I can feel your pain in this greatly. Only you can follow your heart, know what is best. Have you talked with your girls at all, do they suspect anything? Have they said positive or negative things about gays and lesbians?
Secondly, as a recovering Catholic I have dealt with the issues of "choosing" this lifestyle.... like it's a choice... Hmmm today I will divorce, live with a woman and alienate my family, yeh that's a choice, NOT! One who is attracted to the same sex cannot choose anymore than one can choose to be het. We know this, but families are dealing with shame, damnation in view of their religious beliefs, self anger (where did I go wrong in raising my daughter), and plain homophobia. Give your mother time. Live your life happily and in positive energy. Love covers a multitude of "sins" and I know your mother loves you. Show unconditional love, walk and live contented and peaceful and God/dess will open doors for you.
Right now, your mother thinks the g/f has seduced you and she despises her for "wrecking your happy married life" I am sure. Lifting you up to Goddess in tender loving arms my dear, and saying a prayer for you to have that peace that will hold you through this difficult time.
In love and peace,
Temps_brat _________________ "A little work won't hurt you bad, but just in case I'm wrong, you'll be smiling when they pronounce you dead." Amanda Marshall 'This could take all night
Wed Feb 02, 2005 3:42 am
babydoll4u
Joined: 28 Aug 2004
Posts: 11
Location: Tucson, AZ
Thank you so much for your kind words. They really mean alot to me! My daughters haven't expressed much, my oldest and youngest are neutral, however, my middle daughter has expressed negative views. I've talked with her on how we are not here to judge anyone and given her so many analagies. My daughters do suspect something is going on because when they get upset at me for grounding them (since they are teenagers)they will say things like "go talk to your friend on the phone mom". My girls have meet my g/f, since I work with her. My g/f has watched our ferrets when we went out of town, however, I need to some how have my g/f spend more time around my girls. This weekend I plan on having my g/f join me & my girls at a movie. Since I've told my mom, I have a feeling she will start making negative comments to my girls. When my mother suspected something was going on between my g/f and I she would make comments to me like "all gays need to be shot or they are nasty and sick". So now Im just confused about when I should tell my girls, Im so stressed, Im just sick have the time with worry . I really appreciate your generous advice and support thank you so much! _________________ Life is not measured by the breath's we take, but by moments that take our breath away!
Thu Feb 03, 2005 4:41 pm
chame70
Joined: 18 Nov 2004
Posts: 290
Location: South Florida
Mom
Babydoll,
Too bad your Mom is not being more supportive. Trying to turn your daughters against you and your g/f will mess them up a lot more than realizing and understanding that yes there are different people in this world and most have very redeeming values. That the fact that someone is different doesn't mean they are bad, they are just different.
Right now, your kids are going through enough trauma, they don't need to be turned against their mother.
I've found a lot of emotional, friendly, loving support here and I think you will also.
Keep looking here, we're a good crew!
luvst
chame _________________ i love the scent of a womyn, the touch of a womyn, the taste of a womyn
Thu Feb 03, 2005 6:08 pm
topaz117
Joined: 12 Sep 2004
Posts: 44
Location: Southeast USA
Babydoll,
How is your g/f handling all of this? Speaking from experience (my love has two children) I hope she is strong and can understand how much of an adjustment this is going to be for your girls...especially since they are females and are going through changes of their own right now.
My partners children don't know about their mom and me...just that I am a very close family friend. I have formed a beautiful relationship with both kids (18 yr. old son, 12 yr. old daughter), and I hope it's even stronger by the time they learn of our true relationship. I have respected their mom's wishes not to tell them yet, and so far we are doing well with that decision.
We own a business together, so being 'out' in our town wouldn't be the best thing, anyway.
My advice to you is to find a very good gay-friendly counselor/therapist for you and the girls to visit. They need to be reassured that you are still the same mom, just that you will be happier now. You need help with buffering them against the negative attitude that is sure to come from your mother. Think about this: If your mother is not going to offer you her support, why do your children need to be exposed to her? I had to set boundaries with my mom (she doesn't know about me, but we have other issues) and when she understood that in order to spend time with me, she had to control her negativity, her behavior really changed. She still has lapses, but I stand firm, and we are at least able to have a relationship. Your mother does NOT have the right to pass her judgement on you...you are an adult who is capable of making your own decisions. You and your g/f might benefit from your own counselor, too...the path you have chosen is going to be difficult enough(but in my case and my opinion, well worth it) without all the complications from your family.
Your g/f may sometimes feel left out while you are dealing with your children, especially if she doesn't have any...please to remember to give as much reassurance as you can that you love her and that she is just as important to you as your family is. Communication is so essential....
Don't allow your mom to dominate your emotional state..set those boundaries now.
Topaz
Fri Feb 04, 2005 2:43 am
Phoenix Moderators
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 1664
Location: Tallahassee Florida
Hi Babydoll,
The most important thing for you right now is taking care of you. You cannot expect others to agree with your lifestyle, but you can live it fully and peacefully, with love and respect as the shining points in your life. Please don't internalize and get depressed. Breath..inhale 1 2 3 4......
hold 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 exhale 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8.... again.... do this whenever you are feeling overwhelmed. It's a great technique for resetting your nervous system into is parasympathetic mode and you can think better and handle the stress. The technique is designed to be done for at least 4 cycles and max of 8 cycles. Once you are reset, and more peacefull things will not be has hard to handle luv.
Sending you loads of supporting energy and Goddess' love.
Temps_brat _________________ "A little work won't hurt you bad, but just in case I'm wrong, you'll be smiling when they pronounce you dead." Amanda Marshall 'This could take all night
Fri Feb 04, 2005 2:47 am
DanceofSorrows
Joined: 29 Aug 2004
Posts: 2837
(((Baby)))
As if divorce itself wasn't stressing enough, sigh. There are times when life shakes every leaf on our own tree...stability and security seems to go out the window. I would encourage you to focus on your supports right now, to build your army because you will need it. Nothing will be settled overnight or even quickly. Understanding that aspect helps a great deal! But in the process know that you are here because you have chosen to go somewhere beyond where you are now. Your kids as well will need objective support and help dealing with the divorce. Subjecting them to a new relationship before they have had a chance to deal with things might cause them to be bitter and feeling unimportant. I know that is hard to hear. Family counseling has helped us deal with these things a great deal with the objective being, how we as parents can help support and nurture our kids through this process. And also how to cope ourselves with loss and the major changes. Prepare yourself, it wont be easy but the lifelong lessons and growth through this may be gems.
Hugs to you~
Dance~
Fri Feb 04, 2005 3:51 pm
twilight
Joined: 29 Sep 2004
Posts: 1035
Location: First Star on the Right Straight on til Morning
I had real concern coming out to my mother. I know she is not really comfortable with it all, but she will not say anything to me or my kids. My sis has always been her favorite. Well, now that my sis has really messed up her life (i.e. jail and homeless and what have you) she is coming around and realising that I am happy and so are my girls and that that is the important thing. The fact that it is a woman I am happy with is not the important thing. Anyway my point is that there may come a time when your mom will be more accepting. In the mean time, do not let her influence your kids. As hard as it may seem, just do not let her have the opprotunity to sway them. That is a privlage to see grandkids and it is one she is not earning right now, untill she can hold her tongue. Surround yourself with as much positive energy as you can. Let the girls get to know your g/f so they also can see what a wonderful woman she is. _________________ Twilight, Her Royal Highness, The Queen of Fun and Games
The lengthening shadows wait The first pale stars of twilight. ~~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
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. I really appreciate your generous advice and support thank you so much!
