hi there. I'm a 22 year old who has been struggling with her sexuality for a few years now. I've dated men for years now and even have had long term relatiationships, but lately I am finding myself more and more attracted to woman.
and honestly, I've secretly been in love with one of my best friends for 4 years now. it's something that bothers me everyday.
it's not that I'm not attracted to men anymore, but I really am wanting to and at least try something sexual with a woman to see if it's for me.
whenever the talk of homsexuality comes up I get really uncomfortable and am not sure how to act.
it's just very awkward for me. any advice as to how I can work this out? am I gay or am I not? I just don't know!
questioning isn't a bad thing. though you really shouldn't try and label yourself right off the bat. it's not the end all see al...to be or not to be kind of thing.
and if you're really curious, do you have any friends who are gay that you trust with this kind of subject? also if you're uncomfortable with the subject...that's not uncommon. keep things objective and don't feel like you're in the spotlight or that you have to decide right at this moment. you've got some time m'dear...you're only 22. not quite old and grey...*chuckles*
if you want to chat on a more indepth level feel free to pm me.
~chance _________________ Timing is everything...unfortunately I'm too early or too late.
Sat Jan 29, 2005 2:46 am
confused22
Joined: 28 Jan 2005
Posts: 36
I don't know one person that is gay, male or female. I wish I did, or I could possibly talk to them.
I never even looked at women that way until about 4 years ago. Before that, even the idea of it grossed me out a little. I think if anything, I could quite possible be "bi". But i've watched some lesbian porn and really, it did nothing for me.
I've just been struggling with really having intense feelings for a good friend of mine, who is definitely 100% straight, and has aboslutely no idea I woudl feel this way, and would be VERY weirded out if she knew. If anything, I've fallen in love with her, and her being a girl doesnt even matter. she is just everything I've ever wanted in someone else, and her being female complicates things so much, but whatever....what can I do, nothing would ever come of it...and that sucks.
I've had bad relationships with men and I've always just felt more comfortable talking to, and being around woman. Men tend to make me feel uneasy and I think that's why I've strayed away from them over the years. It's just hard for me to distinguish if it's becuase I'm sexually attracted to women or I just have issues with men right now.
Either way, it's become so confusing right now, and I've made mention to some of my closest friends about possibly being bi, and while they're accepting and i love them, i know it does weird them out a bit. but either way they would love me, so that isn't an issue. if anything, I'd just like to figure out what's going on in my head!
Sat Jan 29, 2005 5:14 am
Phoenix Moderators
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 1664
Location: Tallahassee Florida
Hi Confused,
I wish I had known or admitted to myself at 22 that I was at least bi, if not a lesbian. I am not saying you are, but like you, I was repulsed by the idea when I was a teenager. My mom said "I think thou doest protest too much"!
There has been only one male i ever connected with, and that will never develop into a love affair, much to his chagrin. Most women prefer the company of women over men. When asked by others if I am bi or a lesbian (I do classify myself as lesbian), I laugh and say well, I'm either bi or a bad lesbian cause I can have sex with a guy but I just don't connect. Women are my focus, connection, passion.... you just can't compair the two imho. Of course, being with a few is really the only way to know, and don't assume if bells and whistles don't go off the first time that you aren't. Not all women have that sizzle, or are kind, loving and caring.
I think the real key to what you said, was you fell in love with the person your friend is. That is what really matters. You never know, she just may be feeling the same way as you.
Temps_brat _________________ "A little work won't hurt you bad, but just in case I'm wrong, you'll be smiling when they pronounce you dead." Amanda Marshall 'This could take all night
Sun Jan 30, 2005 9:42 pm
woody_8795
Joined: 12 Nov 2004
Posts: 34
Location: SE WI
Confused~
Even though it was almost 10 years ago for me I remember it like it was yesterday. I was brought up in a very religious family and the thought of being gay was, well LOL just out of the question. It was something I really knew nothing about. I went off to my first year of college (an all girls, catholic college). I was very niave to think there would be lesbians in an establishment of such. It turned out the people I befriended after some time told me of their lifestyle. OK. Taken back a little bit I expressed it was not of my interest but I loved them for who they were and that was that. I even had a "boyfriend", off and on, that would come up and visit me every other weekend. Well, one night after being out with one of my friends who liked me (in more ways than I thought) gave me a hug goodnight. No big deal we hugged all the time. Then she leaned in and kissed me. AAAGHH. WHAT??? I took off went back to the dorm smoked a pack a cigarettes just so confused. Not about what you think. LOL I knew that I had kissed her back. OMG what does this mean? Am I gay? Well, I really looked back into my life. I had crushes on women my whole life. I justified it by saying they were the person I looked up to and wanted to be when I grew up. The more I looked at it I had suppressed any feelings that could associate with being gay. I had to take those feelings day by day. I finally had to be honest with myself. It turns out that within a year I realized I prefer a woman to a man as my partner, my lover, my life. I have a few good male friends and am very out now. All I can say is that it's not something you are going to discover overnight. One of the friends I met in college is engaged and getting married to a man. She found it to be her preference to "jump back over the fence" (sorry for the horrible term there) but that is her. Just be honest with yourself!
Good Luck and I hope all my ramblin helped a bit.
Woody
Tue Feb 01, 2005 1:23 am
Phoenix Moderators
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 1664
Location: Tallahassee Florida
_________________ "A little work won't hurt you bad, but just in case I'm wrong, you'll be smiling when they pronounce you dead." Amanda Marshall 'This could take all night
Last edited by Phoenix on Tue Sep 09, 2008 12:56 pm; edited 1 time in total
Tue Feb 01, 2005 2:46 am
confused22
Joined: 28 Jan 2005
Posts: 36
I guess it's just something I'm going to have to figure out on my own
Tue Feb 01, 2005 6:16 am
topaz117
Joined: 12 Sep 2004
Posts: 44
Location: Southeast USA
Hi Confused,
My own story sounds like the others who have posted. I was 35 (I am 39 now) when I finally began to look inside myself to begin to answer the questions I had ignored for so long. I too was raised in a strict spiritual household (Baptist), and although now that I look back on my life, remembering the crushes I had on women from second grade on, I never allowed myself to go beyond thinking "oh, I just admire her, she's my teacher" etc. The women were usually older than me by a few years. When thoughts did begin to enter my mind as to what those sometimes intense feelings meant, I explained it away to myself as normal for my age (when I was a teen) or just needing to be connected emotionally in a friendship.
A pattern began to emerge over the years in that I couldn't get close to another woman unless there was just a little bit (or a lot) of physical attraction in the mix (although I never acted on the attractions). When I realized that I wasn't in the least bit physically attracted to my very best friend...well...then I asked myself why I had even noticed there was a difference in friendship with her, and others. There shouldn't be, right? I shouldn't really be physically attracted to
any
of my female friends, should I??
It took an emotionally intense friendship (could have been physical, I think, if it had lasted longer) with yet another woman who broke my heart...and my best friend right there, helping me to pick up the pieces, when I realized that what I was recovering from was just like a relationship with a man...except it was with a
woman
. I began a year of real soul-searching...which led to me VERY unexpectly meeting the woman whom I believe is my soul-mate. We have been together for 1 1/2 years now, and our love for each other is stronger and deeper than ever. She has two children, and we are not out to them, but I have a great relationship with them, and they accept me as part of the family. It hasn't been easy at times, but I have grown more as a person, and become more emotionally mature than I have ever been.
This is a first (and our last) same sex relationship for both of us...both of us are in total agreement that for us, the 'search is over'...we are mature women who have been through enough in our lives to know that this relationship is what we have both always wanted. Neither one of us has 'rose-colored glasses' on...we celebrate each other for our strengths, and accept our faults without trying to change one another. Are there fireworks? OH...yes!
I readily admit that I knew that emotionally I wanted the connection that I can only have with a woman...I kind of felt that the physical part would work, too...and am almost embarrassed to admit how very much both of us enjoy the physical part of being together...sometimes I feel like a hormonal teenager!
My whole point to this post is...that if you are wondering about your sexual preference (although it is much more than sexual)...don't stress too much, but don't ignore it, either. If you 'bury' it...this fascination, attraction, emotional connection with a woman...it will come back from time to time...and you may find yourself in the same situation as I did...married for 13 years...to a nice man, but wondering why I felt so empty inside when I tried to feel the connection with him...wondering why when I should have been content, I always felt that something just wasn't 'right'. I don't feel that way anymore. I quit running, turned around, faced what was inside of me all along..and now I'm at peace with myself.
Topaz
Tue Feb 01, 2005 7:08 am
Phoenix Moderators
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 1664
Location: Tallahassee Florida
Thanks for sharing so much Topaz. I came here hoping to read good poetry and get to know some of the ladies as friends. Your openness is very refreshing. I am glad you have found what you were searching for.
Blessed be,
Temps_brat _________________ "A little work won't hurt you bad, but just in case I'm wrong, you'll be smiling when they pronounce you dead." Amanda Marshall 'This could take all night
Tue Feb 01, 2005 11:57 am
twilight
Joined: 29 Sep 2004
Posts: 1035
Location: First Star on the Right Straight on til Morning
quote:Originally posted by topaz117:
Hi Confused,
My whole point to this post is...that if you are wondering about your sexual preference (although it is much more than sexual)...don't stress too much, but don't ignore it, either. If you 'bury' it...this fascination, attraction, emotional connection with a woman...it will come back from time to time...and you may find yourself in the same situation as I did...married for 13 years...to a nice man, but wondering why I felt so empty inside when I tried to feel the connection with him...wondering why when I should have been content, I always felt that something just wasn't 'right'. I don't feel that way anymore. I quit running, turned around, faced what was inside of me all along..and now I'm at peace with myself.
Topaz
My situation is similar to Topaz. I had had a serious relationship with a woman in college. When that went sour, I was at least brave enough to say I was bi. I could not deny the feelings I had had. But, I married and after 6 years of being married, I still could not replace the empty feelings I had. I had an affair with a woman, and finally kicked the buggard out. Not over my sexuality issues, but for other reasons. Now 5 months later I am engaged to a beautiful woman. This is the part of my life I have been denying for too long. _________________ Twilight, Her Royal Highness, The Queen of Fun and Games
The lengthening shadows wait The first pale stars of twilight. ~~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
Tue Feb 01, 2005 12:47 pm
confused22
Joined: 28 Jan 2005
Posts: 36
thanks so much guys - it's great to hear other's perspectives. I'm hoping that sometime along the road Ill have an chance to have that connection with a woman to see if it's really for me.
sadly, isomtimes I think t will be hard for me to ever feel as much as I have for my friend that I have grown to care for so much, but I have faith that someday, either a man
or
a woman will fill that void for me
Wed Feb 02, 2005 4:33 am
ashamed
Joined: 24 Jan 2005
Posts: 118
Location: Russia
he-he, so funny...sorry...just remebered myself...i feeled practicaly the same, though the idea that i'm a lesbian gave me my mother...funny, isn't it? she just asked and made me nervous about that. than i realised, she was right, besides i loved my teacher and she was gay...heh, it helped me a lot if it possibly to help in such thing...she hurt me a lot, i remeber...oh, my heart, oh, those tomes...wow, great that it was in past and i don't feel the same now.
Wed Feb 02, 2005 6:20 pm
woody_8795
Joined: 12 Nov 2004
Posts: 34
Location: SE WI
[quote="Temps_brat"]Thanks for sharing so much Topaz. I came here hoping to read good poetry and get to know some of the ladies as friends. Your openness is very refreshing. I am glad you have found what you were searching for. quote]
I couldn't have said it better!!!
Sat Feb 05, 2005 8:17 pm
DanceofSorrows
Joined: 29 Aug 2004
Posts: 2837
Confused,
You can be straight, you can be bi, you can be lesbian, but only you will find yourself. I have found myself in tremendous conflict for many years, since very young but had not the terminology then nor the opportunity to discover my genuine feelings. Had that road been clearer and easier for me, I would probably lack the empathy and insights that I have developed along the way.
Like some others who have posted here, my response to religion had played a big part in the confusion of my sexuality. My immediate family did not go to church but I did go by myself since very young. I had a young puppy love for just over a year with another girl. We always kissed, we slow danced, and we said ‘I love you’, got naked together and just caressed each other’s bodies for a long time lol. My goodness we were only 9 or 10.
I was also sexually attracted to one of my sister’s older friends and I use to masturbate thinking of her. I wouldn’t have called myself gay then nor even thought about labels. Then one day I was convicted for it and I magically became what I needed to be, to be a ‘good’ person. Denials, suppression, depression…I had no idea how to cope or what I was doing with my feelings then. I wasn’t ready to deal with it either, my immature mind would not have sustained under the pressure because my whole identity, worth, esteem, and values were in my relationship with God. In fact at 19 I was about ready to go to Europe to be a missionary. The thing that stopped me was the dress code lol, I loved my blue jeans and thought the dress code to be legalistic.
Anyhow, all the denials, suppression within some major issues of my life (sexuality being one of them) had led to such despair because of my religious background. There is no flippant or shallow way to walk through the issues of sexuality; certainly it affects every part of us deeply. It is so much more than just about sex. It is a very deep part of our essence.
I just hope that you walk slowly enough through this process to ask questions, to dip deep, to allow yourself mistakes and acceptance. For awhile it helps just to strip the definitions of sexuality, gay, bi, straight from our minds…and just look at your identity as a whole person, discovering that any one component of our lives is not the whole of us. Wishing you wisdom and encouragement on your journey~
Dance~
Sat Feb 05, 2005 11:22 pm
marbles
Joined: 05 Feb 2005
Posts: 15
Location: Norfolk, VA
L word - have you watched it?
Have you watched any episodes of the L word? I love that show. One of the characters, Jenny, went through the whole confusion thing - she's bi on the show. Anyway, maybe watch it and see if it moves you.
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