Problematic Situation (not strictly about coming out)
Hi. I am new to this site and indeed lesbianism. I would like to find out more about myself, but my current situation is rather prohibiting...
My husband is gay and also knows that I am a lesbian, though I think we still experience an emotional "bond." We still say that we love each other. Few people know, but I am wanting to find myself. Can I do this if I am with my husband? We would not really consider separating, as we have a small daughter who is very much in need of cohesive, stable attachment.
Perhaps if I could go into a little more detail. My husband and I are experiencing relationship difficulties on the account that my daughter is developing an indiscriminate attachment, as we are frequently emotionally unavailable for her (on my part due to mental illness.) He is unable to acknowledge any kind of responsibility, possibly because we are both very young.
He is out tonight, getting drunk with his Uni friends, my daughter is asleep and I am here alone, wanting to be myself, but having no idea how. Our relationship is non-sexual, though I occasionally get biological feelings for him that I do not like. I want to explore what women and femininity means to me. I want to meet other women. Just to talk.
I feel totally stuck and have no idea what to do. Please help if you can!
XXXX
Fri Feb 23, 2007 10:27 pm
confused88
Joined: 22 Feb 2007
Posts: 38
I'm feeling a little of what you seem to be.. in the way that I'm stuck here with the feelings and wanting to do something about it by meeting women who feel the same... although I'm not in the same situation as you are.
So, in a way I know what you are feeling.. a little, but not to the extent that you obviously do because I'm not in the same situation. All that is the same is we're young (I'm 18.) and wanting to change, so don't know if I can give advice...
I would say that maybe what you have is more of a really good friendship? and how would your husband feel about both of you being with another person to see how it goes? it would help the curiosity of changing whilst still being together for your daughter.
Again, I don't have any real exprience with anything.. and I'm sorry if my comments were stupid or offensive.
Hope I helped in some way
xxx
Sun Feb 25, 2007 12:10 am
searching
Joined: 23 Feb 2007
Posts: 54
Location: Cambridge, England
Sorry it was me before. Got confused logging in.
It's good to know! We are very close and seem to know each other better than anyone. We love being together and are totally lost without each other and their touch. This doesn't make me staight! I think that the reason I love him this way is because he has always been extremely feminine, more so now that he has come out.
I don't think we are ready to see people. We're so close that it would really hurt if the other one did. It was a good idea though. For the minute I think I would just like to make friends with other lesbians.
Mon Feb 26, 2007 10:50 pm
confused88
Joined: 22 Feb 2007
Posts: 38
Ooh I did wonder if you were the same people, after I had posted!
Yeah, I understand.. you love him and being with someone else would feel like cheating? I know how you feel, just talking with people who feel the same (you mostly) is helping me a lot. So just talking about your feelings is enough for now.
Mon Feb 26, 2007 11:22 pm
searching
Joined: 23 Feb 2007
Posts: 54
Location: Cambridge, England
I think you're right. I'm also getting a lot out of talking to you. I don't know anyone in my area, though I have searched the internet for meeting places.
I know what you mean about cheating. It would be like that, but somehow also so much more. I don't really have the words. Perhaps that in feeling for someone else I was hurting a part of myself. Did I express that ok?
I'm going to go to bed now, but I look forward to talking to you tomorrow.
Mon Feb 26, 2007 11:29 pm
confused88
Joined: 22 Feb 2007
Posts: 38
That's how I found this place; hoping to find somewhere to just talk to someone who felt the same and I'm glad I came here now
You expressed that fine. You've both become such a big part of each others lives that if you were to be with someone else (maybe only emotionally) you would be sharing a part of you that is meant for your husband, which would hurt you more than not exploring your feelings?
Ok, I look forward to talking to you too
xxx
Mon Feb 26, 2007 11:41 pm
searching
Joined: 23 Feb 2007
Posts: 54
Location: Cambridge, England
Hi. How are you? I'm sorry I haven't been online lately. I've been having a few personal problems. They're kind of related. After looking at a lesbian book I thought was about first emotional experiences, I found that it was about sexual experiences. I was quite traumatised, especially by some of the language used. I went to talk about it with my sister-in-law and I just felt myself saying how much I disliked sex and how afraid I am of everything. This probably stems from the sexual abuse I have experienced.
My sister-in-law encouraged me not to be afraid of myself and to be sexually at ease.
Amongst other things I've been thinking that maybe it is just sex with men leaves me lukewarm and wondering if my husband and I should explore homosexual sex. Something he said this evening has really made a difference. We may not like sex much, but we have such an emotional connection that we would find it difficult to be any different. We find each other's cuddles so soothing. It is like we are home.
I know that sometimes I want him to be even more feminine. I want him to be physically female, not just emotionally, as he is.
Fri Mar 02, 2007 10:44 pm
confused88
Joined: 22 Feb 2007
Posts: 38
Don't worry I understand, about you not being online.. that must have been difficult and confusing.
Sexual abuse is a terrible thing, but it's not you who is to blame, its the disgusting people who do it. You have nothing to feel ashamed or afraid of when with someone you love - they don't want to cause pain or bring back any memories that are traumatic for you, they just want to show you how much they love you.. even though it must be extremely difficult for you to enjoy sex - its not just sex, its showing love.
Taking things slow and talking through it might help? and like you said, acting on the feelings with a woman might help you to enjoy it again, as a woman wouldn't bring it all back to you, and make it uncomfortable?
Hope I didn't upset you xxx
Mon Mar 05, 2007 11:13 pm
searching
Joined: 23 Feb 2007
Posts: 54
Location: Cambridge, England
Thank you so much for your help I've really missed not being able to talk to you lately, even though we have only spoken a little.
Chris, my husband, has always done everything to protect me from harm sexually. Though it has been a very strange experience, it has always been rooted in love. We have often viewed sex as a biological need in addition to our relationship.
We had a bit of a troubled time over the weekend. We were both feeling very emotional and so agreed to have sex, whilst both bot really wanting to. We both felt as if we had been violated and were very upset about it. We have, however, sorted things out. I have finally been able to tell him that I feel our relationship and my love for him has changed. I do however, still care for him and still love him in a platonic, non-romantic way (these terms are still a little fuzzy in my mind) and there is, of course, our little daughter. We are going to stay together.
I feel myself lately wanting to have romantic, perhaps even sexual contact with a woman, but I know that this cannot happen. We must stay together.
Don't worry-you didn't upset me. It's good to hear a different perspective on it. Most people I talk to don't really understand.
Sorry for talking so much about me. How are you doing?
XXXX
Tue Mar 06, 2007 8:16 pm
confused88
Joined: 22 Feb 2007
Posts: 38
Same here.. it's been really nice talking about things with you
How would he feel about you staying together but you seeing how things go with a woman to see if it helps you in anyway? And you shouldn't feel guilty about it because it might be the thing which helps solve your fear after the abuse? I know we've said about that before and how you would feel it would be cheating.. but if it's something you feel so strong about then you should go for it, you deserve something that you want.
I don't mind talking about you, it's fine
I'm good thanks.. although I've started to get a crush on someone who has been rumoured to be a lesbian, but I don't know.. and I don't know her to just start being friends with her *sigh*
Tue Mar 06, 2007 9:49 pm
searching
Joined: 23 Feb 2007
Posts: 54
Location: Cambridge, England
You are so lucky. I can't belive you have contact with other people, particularly those who are rumoured to be lesbians. I have very few friends, let alone lesbian friends. Unfortunatley once I left my abusive parents I moved to a new area with my husband without attending Uni etc, so I don't really know anyone.
Right now I only love my husband because he is a kind of sanctuary. He is warm and safe. In reality he is only like that sometimes. I think perhaps I am afraid to explore, though I have resigned myself to the fact that I will still be with Chris until my daughter is much older. Around 18. Now she is 18 months! There's nothing more I can do. We are having so much trouble at the moment. My daughter has an insecure attachment to both of us, though he thinks that because I am the primary caregiver it is my doing. he has emotional problems due to his unemotive upbringing, yet he refuses to acknowledge them or get help. I feel that I love him platonically. We got very drunk and had sex the other night, but I deeply regret it. I don't want anything that can connect me to him physically.
He is hurting me so much, yet he and his family are making it out to be all my fault. After all the abuse I have experienced, I am wondering if it is not really me that is the one who is doing this. Somehow I am hurting myself and my daughter. I have noone to help me.
Mon Mar 12, 2007 7:47 pm
Dark prism
Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 865
Location: California Dreamin, baby.
I hope you don't mind me butting in here, but this is a public board, and if you want privacy, you can PM each other.
Personally, I understand you wanting to stay together for your daughter, but if you are miserable together, that will have an affect on your daughter. A child deserves happy parents. You being happy will make her happy and well adjusted.
I see two ways of dealing with this, either you have an open marriage where, since you are both gay, you can have relationships outside the marriage, or you split up. I really don't think you should continue having sex, since it seems so forced and is traumatic for both of you. If you are both gay, forced, unpleasant, and unwanted heterosexual sex is not going to change that, it will just make things worse. There is no way to fix this, because nothing is broken, it just is what it is, and continuing in an impossible and unpleasant relationship does nobody any good.
I have seen too many people look back 20 years later and wonder why they put themselves through that, and regret that they didn't live happier when they could. Plus it makes you bitter, and affects those around you more than you know.
I wish you the very best of luck with this. Take care.
Dp
Mon Mar 12, 2007 9:30 pm
searching
Joined: 23 Feb 2007
Posts: 54
Location: Cambridge, England
It doesn't matter that we are fundamentally miserable together. My daughter is the most important person in this relationship. I'm sorry but I can never be "well adjusted" as I am mentally ill.
You seem to be neglecting the idea that the emotional side of our relationship does all of us a tremendous amount of good, particularly our daughter. It does also balm my abused feelings.
I agree that ***PORN NOT ALLOWED*** will only make things worse, but I am feeling so afraid of myself that I really need to explore with someone I am comfortable with in order to rectify my abuse.
Thank you for your concern, but I am not ready to move on.
XXXXX
Mon Mar 12, 2007 9:52 pm
confused88
Joined: 22 Feb 2007
Posts: 38
We can PM instead if you want? I don't mind..
I know what you mean.. its not the love you would expect to have for you husband, but more for a best friend?
Maybe you could join a group or go somewhere where you know there will be people there who are good to get to know? It might help just to build friendships with other people to get away from relying so much on your husband? Not that relying on him is a bad thing, but other people might bring you out of yourself a little so that you can explore different things.
and like I've said, talking here is good.. people will try to help you
xxxx
Tue Mar 13, 2007 9:34 pm
searching
Joined: 23 Feb 2007
Posts: 54
Location: Cambridge, England
Thank you for your support. I have been so afraid of logging on here recently because I was worried that people would shout at me for saying something I shouldn't have. Sorry, nothing against you ladies, it's just my abuse getting a bit of a hold on me there.
Yes, we both feel that we are more best friends, than married. We are just so incredibly shy that going with someone else or even alone would be so difficult. We have been going through a difficult patch lately. I was feeling as if our relationship was at an end, but over the past day or so we seem to have been able to compromise due to our love (if platonic) for each other. Today while my daughter was playing around us and sometimes visiting us, we found what it was that we had lost in all our sadness at our daugther's indiscriminate attachment diagnosis. He lay behind me. I could feel his warmth and smell his scent. We lay like that until we almost fell asleep. It is where we both feel safe. I know that we have this because he is Chris, neither male nor female.
I would love to make friends with other people. I am so lonely. There is hardly anywhere in Cambridge I can go, and even if I could get a babysitter I don't have anyone to go with. It's quite a problem...
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Sexual abuse is a terrible thing, but it's not you who is to blame, its the disgusting people who do it. You have nothing to feel ashamed or afraid of when with someone you love - they don't want to cause pain or bring back any memories that are traumatic for you, they just want to show you how much they love you.. even though it must be extremely difficult for you to enjoy sex - its not just sex, its showing love.
We had a bit of a troubled time over the weekend. We were both feeling very emotional and so agreed to have sex, whilst both bot really wanting to. We both felt as if we had been violated and were very upset about it. We have, however, sorted things out. I have finally been able to tell him that I feel our relationship and my love for him has changed. I do however, still care for him and still love him in a platonic, non-romantic way (these terms are still a little fuzzy in my mind) and there is, of course, our little daughter. We are going to stay together.
*sigh*
