Joined: 03 Sep 2006
Posts: 42
Location: up North (ish), UK
do we have a choice re. our sexuality?
Was having an interesting discussion with a colleague about whether there is a choice involved in one's sexuality and would be interested to know what people's thoughts were... am still thinking about it myself
was also wondering if there will be a difference in people's responses based on their self identified sexuality
so please share your thoughts
regards
Flap
Mon Oct 09, 2006 5:59 pm
phatnsweet
Joined: 18 Oct 2006
Posts: 1
interestingly enough, it seems as though the concept of choice concerning sexuality only comes up when a homosexual is at hand. i always urge str8 people to imagine forcing themselves to be gay (if that were the norm) and clearly they all say it's impossible. i think it's likewise impossible to choose whom you're attracted to.
but then one point has me stuck: women who are lesbians because they've experienced sexual abuse in the past from men. not saying, of course that sexual abuse is the reason behind every woman's current sexual preference but there are quite a few who trace it back to that. which makes me feel as though they once loved men and then when they became fearful of men as a whole, they decided to go to women... seemingly as a default choice. and there we have it: A CHOICE.
Wed Oct 18, 2006 9:28 pm
Azraelle
Joined: 08 Oct 2006
Posts: 39
I truly, honestly, do not think it matters.
And this is just my opinion, but way too many people spend way too much time trying to figure out WHY people are gay, instead of just accepting it as a fact. It's as simple and uncomplicated as preferring vanilla over chocolate, or liking brunettes instead of blondes.
I don't think any less of the men and women who decided to turn to their own sex just because it was a choice instead of a biological reason, just as I don't think any less of a person who was born homosexual and decided to be with the opposite sex.
We should not have to justify who we love. We should not have to explain why we love the way we do, and we should not have to defend our love.
Love is all-encompassing, genderless, and more powerful than words can even begin to describe; and I for one think we should stop questioning and yield to it, be it gay, lesbian, or straight.
Thu Oct 19, 2006 1:45 am
Flapdoodle-fox
Joined: 03 Sep 2006
Posts: 42
Location: up North (ish), UK
Az & phat
thanks for your comments to my topic, Az I was not starting the topic with any agenda or judgement I was simply intrigued by a question that got me thinking... I agree that a lot of people worry too much about the Why? question and I wasn't so much thinking about being forced to be one way or the other but if all things were equal (nice utopia I know) whether we as individuals have any influence over the people to whom we are attracted? I guess that throws up another load of questions about what is attractive (which will be different for different people) but in that list, where does the gender of the person fit I wonder...
phat, I hear what you say about women who have had bad experiences with men, I think it is also possibly true for men who have had bad experiences with men, that they seem to 'choose' a woman to be with, but is it a true choice or a form of denial? I am not sure but both your comments are thought provoking, thanks again
regards
Flap
Sat Oct 28, 2006 4:43 pm
scruples
Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 151
Location: Long Island, NY
Not A Choice To Have Homosexual Feelings
I have to say that most of my life I've felt something different about myself, and when I chose to be aware of these feelings I identified as gay.
However it was not a choice that I had these strong feelings, no it is very natural to have homosexual thoughts feelings and actions. To identify with gay is where the choice comes in. Thanks. - AMY
Sat Feb 10, 2007 11:04 am
Guest
Flap, I'm not sure how to address this; would my situation be referenced?
Skipping that, I'll say that in my experience, whether you are considered to be a homosexual/bisexual by the community is NOT your choice. I didn't choose whether I wanted to date men or women, it always was a set preference.
Sat Feb 10, 2007 2:55 pm
phrogget
Joined: 10 Feb 2007
Posts: 3
I completely fail to see why anyone would choose to be gay. I would never be gay as a choice, just as I would never choose to be part of a minority group in any sense. It's damn uncomfortable, I find.
Sat Feb 10, 2007 9:02 pm
Dark prism
Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 865
Location: California Dreamin, baby.
I agree Phrogget.
Why would anyone choose to be something that quite alot of society rejects and feels is disgustingly wrong and some even feel should be punishable by death (and has been punished by death). Why would anyone choose something that risks the love of family and friends. Why would anyone choose something that can cause so much pain.
The answer is...they wouldn't. This is not a choice. I believe that wholeheartedly. It is a matter of attraction. I am attracted to women. Have been since I was young. I have never felt the same thing for any man. It is just the way I was born. I love women. I love that I love women, and I do not think there is anything wrong with it, but if I had the "choice", I would not choose this life. Things would be so much easier if I were straight. I would be an absolute fool not to take the easy route if that were possible. But it is not possible. I do not have these feelings for men.
The only "choice" you have is whether to live a lie. You can certainly choose to live a straight life, but you would just be denying your true attractions, and choosing to not follow your heart. That is the only time choice comes into this, but it cannot change what you truly desire. I personally believe I was created to be this way by my creator. I believe God made me this way and he/she didn't screw up and neither did I. I think we are supposed to do the best we can with what we are given, and denying and suppressing our true selves is not the way God wants us to live. (I am not pushing God or religion, here, just giving my opinion)
I have a problem with Phatnsweets comments on women who are sexually abused "choosing" to become lesbian. I don't think that has been proven. I don't think it can be proven. I have some experience with this issue, and I very much DO NOT believe that is what caused me to be lesbian, and as I have said before (elsewhere), that idea seems to invalidate my identity, and I don't like it. There are so many women that are sexually abused, more than anyone will ever know, but I have heard the current thought is 3 out of 5. That is a hell of alot. You would think that would make the lesbian community skyrocket, and yet I believe I have heard that it is thought that 5-10% of women are lesbians---those numbers don't add up.
Granted, I can't prove that it doesn't cause it, but it hasn't been proven that it does, and I think it is dangerous to assume that that is the cause. It gives the anti-gay people something to point at and say that it can be prevented, that there is a reason or cause for homosexuality, and it stems from something disgusting, when actually, homosexuality is just another form of love and can be amazing and beautiful in its own right.
do we have a choice re. our sexuality?
Of course we have a choice
Choices are a part of our reality
However while we have a choice as to what kind of a relationship we will choose (a homosexual or straight relationship) we do not have a choice about our feelings. We can as Dark Prism said “live a lie”. We can choose to live out our lives in a state of denial but what kind of life would that be? That is not a life I choose to live and while society has not always been acceptable of my choice I am much happier than I would be if I had made a different choice.
Eiregirl _________________ All poems and stories posted by Eiregirl are
Copyright 2005 - 2008 Aoibhegréine
These literary works are my property under copyright. If you wish to use my work for any purpose please ASK FIRST.
Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:14 pm
SharayaKai
Joined: 13 Feb 2007
Posts: 245
Location: Mountains of Utah
My two cents...
After reading all the posts in this particular forum, one thought kept coming to mind.
"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them...
"For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,..
The pangs of despised love,..
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action."
I have always viewed the world thusly. Too many of its children lack the conviction to follow Soul. And when one of the many steps out and does so, they are reviled and rejected. Hence the bigotry against same-sex relationships. How the attraction occurs is of no TRUE consequence. They have left the norm, they have faced their conscience and rather than be the coward many are, they let not their 'currents turn awry' and held tightly to 'the name of action.' I applaud, yay I honor them. Those before me have been my inspiration.
Too many years did I waste being that coward of conscience, even after being freed of the religions, convictions, and normalicy of my parents. I love. It bears no distinction twixt male or female. I have been happily married heterosexually and homosexually. I have gained blessings from both unions; children and friendship from the first, unconditional love, acceptance, and Soul from the second.
As for choosing this abused, rejected and reviled life... I would rather 'bear the whips and scorns of time', the 'despised love' than continue my existance a coward, without conviction, without Soul. _________________ Until next we meet...
Wed Feb 14, 2007 4:15 am
LeahCF
Joined: 19 Mar 2007
Posts: 14
A friend of mine believes everyone is innately bisexual. Our environment, our genetic makeup, and our experiences shape whether we become straight, gay, or bisexual.
Personally I'm not 100% this is the answer but I know there is much truth to it. If you take a look at the natural world around us there's plenty of homosexuality. Bonobo chimps have sex with just about any other chimp, male or female. Genital-genital rubbing, manual stimulation, anal sex, oral sex, you name it. They (along with sooo many other animals--humans included) form same-sex bonds with sexual rituals.
I always get P.O.ed when I hear the "It's not natural to be gay" argument. It's complete nonsense. The human genetic blueprint is about 98% matching to many of the higher apes. We share so many of the same behaviors.
A less promiscuous animal example for you- Dolphins have been known to form life long pair bonds (sexual rituals included) with those of the same sex, coming together with those of the opposite sex for procreation purposes only. The same goes with many other mammal species, bird species, etc...
Homosexuality is natural, it's not deviant like society wishes us to believe.
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