Joined: 03 Oct 2006
Posts: 2
Location: Rochester, NY
Terrified and Clueless...yeah, that covers it!
Hi, I'm brand new, but I've been looking for a board like this for a while and now I guess I've found it!
I'm 27 and divorced. i feel that i've been a lesbian all my life, but i've always been too terrified to act on my feelings. And I think i finally know where this fear comes from, but I also know it's more complicated, so please bear with me! ;P
When I was in high school I had a major crush on one of my best friends, a girl. I was also involved in a very conservative evangelical and fundamentalist church. I was ALSO suffering from mild depression. For this I was seeing a counserlor who guessed that I was gay, and I confirmed her assumption.
At the time (I was around 16.5 or 17) the conflicts of all these things together lead to a hospitalization in the psych ward because my conselor thought I was going to hurt myself (she was correct, I had plans to take some pills I had stolen from my moms stash). My counselor told the doctors at the hospital that I was gay, they asked me about it and why I hadn't told them myself when they asked if there was anything i wanted to tell them. The doctor said that my not telling them reflected on my feelings about being gay. and those feelings weren't positive, they aren't positive now. The youth pastor came to visit me to see if i was ok, he had been told my the friends that I had come out to that i was gay. He didn't really talk much about it, but i know he didn't approve. I asked the doctors not to tell my mom. so they didn't and when I was released she still didn't know that's why i was so messed up.
Sorry if I'm babbling, it's just alot to get out all at once.
So I eventually came out to my mom, while she was driving 65 down the thruway, but that's another story.
I think I'm so terrified about being gay and coming out (again) to all the new people in my life because of this weird time in my life. I'm terrified about opening up to another woman, about taking the risk of experssing interest in a woman, about hanging out with other lesbians. I have tried in the past and I just turn into a jabbering idiot! I'm flustered and rude and don't know how to deal. I'm terrified and exhilerated when lesbians come into work, but I don't know how to approach them, or even if I should.
What should I do? I've never been in a relationship with a woman, I'm scared to try to find someone. I'm frightened of falling flat in a sub-culture that I know nothing about!
I guess I just needed to get this off of my chest, in a safe environment. Thank you for listening. And please respond with some help! whew! _________________ I shall not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that leads to total annhiliation.
Tue Oct 03, 2006 8:31 pm
Cavewoman
Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 2056
Location: nearby
hello moody... welcome to Mel's.....
i have no comment on your youth... we all have one..somewhere...
as to now?... well, coming out at any age is nerve wracking (thus your babbling).... "not knowing" is truly a newbie sensation... cause as you get further down the path dotted frequently by lesbian presence you'll discover the world did not change, nor did communication...
wanna DO something? ... locate the nearest gay club/cafe/GLBT function and just go... toss on your jeans, a top, grab a jacket and a bottle of water and just go... even leaning on a tree at a picnic gathering or sitting quietly at a corner table in a club/book store will provide the opportunity for you to learn and ease into your "gay" atmosphere - the one in your head.... live and learn...there are no tricks...
religion? .... I'm not touchin' that part of your post with a 40 foot pole.... the rest of everything = life... wanna piece? reach out ... sittin and wishin' won't make it happen...
good luck... be brave... we're everywhere!!!!!!!!!! _________________ " The sorcerers in life are created within each of us" --- Lynn V. Andrews
Wed Oct 04, 2006 12:42 am
findyourpassion
Joined: 24 Aug 2006
Posts: 82
I agree with Cavewoman that you need to do something, meet people. Not necessarily even thinking about for a relationship, but just to know others who can help you out and know what you're going through. Others to hang out with without having to worry about whether or not they know ou're gay and whether or not they'll care. If you're the type to go clubbing, find a gay club. If you're not, find another kind of function or group. But just try to get out and meet people, the more you do, the easier this will all become.
Thu Oct 05, 2006 2:42 am
Guest
Thanks for the support! Because of Cavewoman's post I've already gotten out. I went to a local gay bar's "Pirate Night" and it was alright! I was veeerrryyyy intimidated by all the other girls there and I didn't talk to anyone, but i think I can turn that total horror and sick-to-my-stomach feeling into excitement and exhileration at some point. I'm a very anxious person by nature, change scares me, so I'm a little used to coping with that terrified feeling (I just had to relate my coping skills to this new situation, and it took a little advise to do it!).
I have a little more confidence than I did before I posted here. I think just getting my thoughts and feelings out "on paper" helped a lot. Also, I talked to a really good friends of mine (not even about this topic) and he made me feel a million times better. Just knowing that there is a person who accepts me and thinks I'm great no matter what...made me feel great! There's a film discussion group that I'm thinking of joining as myself, trying not to perpetuate the facade I put up where ever i go. So, we'll see how that goes.
Again, thanks a million. But I really do have a Looooong way to go. So keep the help, suggestions and stuff coming.
Wed Oct 11, 2006 3:21 am
moodyraquel
Joined: 03 Oct 2006
Posts: 2
Location: Rochester, NY
sorry, I forgot to sign in! that previous post as "Guest" was me! ;P _________________ I shall not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that leads to total annhiliation.
Wed Oct 11, 2006 3:22 am
kaJo
Joined: 19 Jun 2006
Posts: 96
Location: I'm right over here!
Hey Moody~
Sounds like your doing a great job in accepting your situation, it's ok to take baby steps.
I love your signature about FEAR!
cJo _________________ We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors ... but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
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