Hey everyone. . .I've just joined. Basically, I'm not in a bad place, but just wanting a little bit of y'all's wisdom. I've always had pretty serious and intense feelings for women, but I was raised in a Christian household that had very little regard for gay people. Being both a ballerina and an artist, I was always around gay culture as a child in my extracurriculars, and it has never been an issue for me. So, I've had maybe two serious relationships with men, and they were both boring and unfulfilling to me, and the men were kinda bizarre. I think I have been really repressing a lot of my personality to please my family.
Long story short, I have a great career, and am (for the first time in awhile) in a really good place in my life. I've been meeting all kinds of new people lately (I'm very reclusive), and have been making some very nice friends. I've had a few men ask me out, but I am declined feeling just incredilby repulsed by the idea of being romantic with them (and they are really nice guys).
Last week a woman, SciGal, and I went out to celebrate something good that had happened for my career. Happy hour turned into an all-night adventure. I've been crushing on her for quite some time, but have now become so good at hiding that tendency that she and everyone else thinks that I am nothing more than the charming southern belle who has the sweetest manners, and who should be with a "nice older man." Well, and I am all that, just minus the man part.
Well, SciGal and I ended up kissing quite a bit. We were both very drunk, but not so drunk so as to not know what we are doing. The next day we both were to be at an event. We went together and she asked if we should talk about what happened, and I said yes. She told me that she liked it, and that she hopes it will happen again, and I feel the same way. We then agreed to keep it a secret from our mutual friends (who we were hanging out with) until (and if) it develops into something more than a flirtation. Ummm, well, considering we ended up back at her place partially unclothed (WOW) and only stopped because I felt things were moving a bit fast (she was such a sweetie about it), I think that something is developing.
She called the next day to ask me to dinner later this week. I eagerly accepted. She has been all I have been able to think about all week. I very much like her, and she very much turns me on. Anything I have felt with a guy is multiplied by at least ten with her. So, at 25, this is a bit of a revelation. I cannot believe I have been denying myself this for so friggin long.
But, now I am worried. Because, I do not know if she considers this who she is or not. She certainly is not out to anyone I know; but for that matter, neither am i. After some serious thinking, though, I think that this is something I very clearly identify with. I like women, and I really don't want to fall hard for her, and then find out that this was just a thing to see what it would be like to be with a woman. . . .
Any advice any of you have would be so welcomed. thanks.
Wed Jul 19, 2006 4:25 am
ghost
Joined: 06 Nov 2005
Posts: 2828
Location: MIA
my thoughts on this, miss...
not knowing either of you, it's difficult to say, but i reckon she would have pushed either the first or the seond night you spent with her to the limits.
since she didn't, and wants to see you again, let go of the doubts and get to know her better. difficult to keep one's heart/emotions in check (i am not even talking about the hormones here), but easy does it.
Don't push it and take it easy. Let her show you her intentions. What those intentions are and whether those intentions are long term or for the short run...I cannot say.
Wishing you the best of luck...
Eiregirl
Wed Jul 19, 2006 8:00 am
ghost
Joined: 06 Nov 2005
Posts: 2828
Location: MIA
awwww.... eire thinks i am sweet!
thank you, eire.
oh yes, i forgot - good luck to you, miss.
regards
ghost _________________
MIA
Wed Jul 19, 2006 8:14 am
Miss_Mamie
Joined: 19 Jul 2006
Posts: 7
Location: Georgia
thanks
Thanks for the advice ladies. Unfortunatley, I don't think SciGirl really knows what the heck she wants, and it is sort of at my expense. It is bad because we are new friends, and that comes first, but now I think we are nothing at all. We had a lovely date, and then we went home, in our seperate cars. No kiss, nothing. Very odd. Then, we were both supposed to go this event last night. She said work might keep her, so she encouraged me to ride with a mutual friend of ours who loves to carpool. So, I rode with male mutual friend. The event sucked. Everyone I like couldn't make it out, including SciGirl who never called or texted or anything.
When I got home -it wasn't even 10pm- I gave her a call to say that I was cancelling the event I am supposed to host today due to a little glitch. She didn't answer, so I left a msg. I kinda expected a text or an email at least from her this morning -she's that kind of person, but there was nothing. I sent her an email inviting her out to dinner tonight since the event was cancelled, and no response. IN a moment of supreme girly-stupidity I gave her another call (seriously, I am losing my head) and no answer (which is again unlike her). I think I'm being avoided, and the only answer I have (since avoidance began before weirdo girl calls) is that she doesn't want to be with a woman.
Mix this in with two psycho exes trying to call me, and the fact that since this is all so super-secret I can't even talk to anyone about it, and that my very best friend just moved cross-country and I'm having a very bad day. Throw in that I am due to be at a luncheon with my very anti-gay family in about ten minutes and it just plain out sucks.
I haven't been in therapy since I was a teenager, but I've already called the therapist. I can't deal with this by myself. ack.
Thanks for listening ladies. I really appreciate it.
Fri Jul 21, 2006 3:56 pm
ghost
Joined: 06 Nov 2005
Posts: 2828
Location: MIA
sounds like more than just one bad day, miss m. perhaps a good idea to talk to someone who can help you work through this. sometimes the professional ppl is really the best solution.
good luck to you. take care.
regards
ghost _________________
MIA
Fri Jul 21, 2006 9:19 pm
RedViolin1
Joined: 29 Sep 2005
Posts: 86
Location: Michigan
awww Miss M you are going through what everyone goes through for love! there are no guarantees in life, no rule book to follow to keep your tender heart from being broken. you must LIVE your life and take those chances and seek the love of your life. It sounds like you are well on your way.
Gay life is fraught with more perils it seems then straight life, with women being afraid of being out and afraid when they meet someone they have so much attraction to. I think that is what this women is going through. Try not to leap to those conclusions about ones behavior. And the others are correct, dont push her. She has her own pace she must follow as you do yours.
Much good luck to you, you sound absolutely yummy. _________________ i am ceaslessly amazing... at times! fun loving, passionate, perfectly imperfect human being.
Some say the glass is half full, some say it's half empty. I drink whats left and ask for a refill!
Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:23 pm
Miss_Mamie
Joined: 19 Jul 2006
Posts: 7
Location: Georgia
Thanks for all of the great advice everyone.
Just to finish up the saga. . . The male mutual friend called me up yesterday afternoon, and was asking about SciGal. I mentioned that I hadn't been able to get in touch with her (no details left whatsoever). This apparently inspired male mutual friend to track SciGal down like a dog at her place of employment. Understandably, she was a bit pissed when he found her and shot him and myself a pretty hateful email.
I was beyond enraged because male mutual friend has done crap like this before (ie speaking for me to people he has no business with; he even sent a email to a friend of mine he didn't like saying "Miss only invited you to her party cause she felt sorry for you."), and he has also wanted to date me, and when he was turned down he still proceeds to act like my boyfriend. Which, was why I didn't want to carpool with him w/o SciGal in the first friggin place. But, I digress. I called up male mutual friend and told him in painstaking detail how much I did not appreciate his "aid," and added some other choice words. He's been driving me nuts for weeks. ANd, I'm the kinda person to get mad and then feel bad, but 24 hrs later, I feel nothing but pride that I finally served him a dish of "no way!"
I then sent SciGal a return to her email saying that I never meant to bother her, and as she had indicated her interest (or lack therof), I will proceed to not bother her again. She immediately called and asked what was wrong with me, and was rude. She apparently does not want anyone from her friends/personal life to ever contact her at work. I was unaware of this, but will have no reason to ever do so again (ack, she may be weirder than me). As for the dinner that she and I had both been wanting to have she said: "I really think I need to spend some time at home with my dog this evening." Hmm okay. I'm sure she has a great dog; I have two great dogs. . .but I'm not really used to being cancelled on because of a dog. She ends the convo with: "See ya tomorrow."
Tomorrow, being today. I'm the president of a competitive game playing club. Dorky, yes, but it is very intellectual. So, she shows up to my club! Ack. She proceeds to sit across from me, but avoid actually speaking to me for four excruiating hours. I played her in a game, and whooped her butt (thank you god). When we go to leave she jerks her head in the direction of her car, wanting me to follow her. I'm sorry, but I do not get cancelled on for dogs, and then follow head jerks to cars. I do have some self-respect.
I just nodded and said: "Well, everyone (addressing the entire group), I'll see you all at our next meeting." And, then, I struted to my car never looking back.
P.s. I did go out last night by myself and had a great time. And, thank god I see a professional tomorrow. I'm hoping to get connected with some LGBT support groups in my area. . .
Thanks again ladies.
Sat Jul 22, 2006 9:23 pm
ghost
Joined: 06 Nov 2005
Posts: 2828
Location: MIA
well good for you, missy!!!
ghost shakes your hand. ppl like that are not worth it.
good luck for the future.
regards
ghost _________________
MIA
Sat Jul 22, 2006 11:52 pm
P-Chanmisao
Joined: 08 Jun 2006
Posts: 75
Location: Colorado
It sounds to me like you truly know what you want. There is always a chance that a relationship will end up being false, but I bleieve that we cannot be held back by our doubts. It seems like she truly is interested in a true relationship (although, I cannot say without knowing her), so there seems to be nothing major to be concerned about. Oh, and welcome to mels! I hope to see you around. _________________ Smile, it'll brighten someone's day!
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And, thank god I see a professional tomorrow. I'm hoping to get connected with some LGBT support groups in my area. . .
