Joined: 06 Jul 2006
Posts: 7
Location: Boston (currently Shanghai)
Confusion between attraction and admiration
Ah, I'm sure many of you have experience with this. Which is why you might be able to help me. I've just recently accepted that I'm very, very gay. Yes, I've been in denial for my whole life, thinking that I was asexual. I've been attracted to women, but always brushed it off as admiration instead.
But now that I've come out to myself, I've got a whole lot of other problems! Namely, I'm attracted to a certain type of look on a woman. And I've found myself wanting to change my look to match what I'm attracted to, except I know my body and face was just never meant to look that way. And I wonder...am I getting confused between wanting to be with the women that have this look and wanting to be the women that have this look? Has this ever happened to any of you? If so, how have you separated the two feelings?
And most importantly, there are women who like people that look different from them, yes? Because I'm pretty feminine looking, face and body, and try as I might, I can't help but like "girly" things. Yet, what I find attractive is the more andro-dyke look, and I guess that's what I'm trying to emulate b/c I'm afraid those type of girls won't like me as my feminine self.
I guess I just need to become more comfortable with my new sexual identity, huh? I have so much to learn about being a lesbian.
Thu Jul 06, 2006 4:53 pm
Motodiva
Joined: 17 Jun 2006
Posts: 21
Location: Washington State
My beautiful love looks nothing like me. I love her. She is beautiful. I am beautiful. We are beautiful. Neither of us would win a pagent.
Make sense? Everyone is different, what they find attractive is different. Love who you love, be loved by those who love you. Be yourself. There's nothing wrong with liking "girly" things, just like there's nothing wrong with wearing Carhartt's. Be happy, be comfortable, love yourself, and the right girl will love you for who you are, not who you wish you were.
Love her for who she is, be who you want to be.
Fri Jul 07, 2006 2:59 am
Eilidh Moderators
Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880
Welcome to Mels, c! Pull up a chair and relax. Nowhere will you find a friendlier group of women.
I smiled when I read your post. I recognize so much of my own story in yours. First, there's nothing to say you can't be lesbian
and
asexual, for that is how I identify. The two orientations are not mutually exclusive. That said, if you find that you were simply replacing the term lesbian with the term asexual, and you are indeed
sexually
attracted to other women, then I congratulate you on figuring out who you truly are. It requires courage to accept yourself as you are. It's important to remember that labels are ultimately about semantics. Use the labels that fit you best, if you choose to use any at all, and don't worry about the others.
Now, to the idea of attraction vs. admiration. This is an interesting comparison of related terms. We don't necessarily experience attraction to every person we admire, but we most likely admire those to whom we are attracted. (Is it possible to be attracted to someone we do not admire?) For me, admiration is often the first sign of attraction. I vividly remember the first woman to whom I was ever attracted; I admired her leadership and her artistic ability long before I ever realized I was attracted to her.
As far as aesthetics are concerned, Motodiva said it best: "Love her for who she is, be who you want to be." There's no reason you can't be attracted to someone who looks just like you; likewise, there's no reason you can't be attracted to someone who looks nothing like you. (The prevalence and rhetoric behind butch-femme relationships of the 1960s, as well as today's inter-racial couples, come to mind.)
quote:Originally posted by cexplainsitall:
And most importantly, there are women who like people that look different from them, yes? Because I'm pretty feminine looking, face and body, and try as I might, I can't help but like "girly" things. Yet, what I find attractive is the more andro-dyke look, and I guess that's what I'm trying to emulate b/c I'm afraid those type of girls won't like me as my feminine self.
I think we've all struggled with this conundrum at one point or another. There is no one way to be lesbian or to express our own lesbian identities through our looks. There are women who appear masculine, who are not lesbian; there are women who appear feminine, who are not straight. Assumptions related to appearances often rely on stereotypes, which can be detrimental to a person and her community.
You say you find the "andro-dyke" style attractive, yet can't help but be girly. If you are "naturally" girly (I use that term with caution, aware of the nature-vs.-nurture debate), then you should embrace that side of your personality. The same would apply if you were naturally "boyish", or fit any other personality/expression description. We can only control our looks and personalities to a certain extent. Accept yourself for who you are and be the best person you can be. The right woman will admire you for who you are, not for who you could be.
quote:Originally posted by cexplainsitall:
I guess I just need to become more comfortable with my new sexual identity, huh? I have so much to learn about being a lesbian.
So do we all.
Peace,
Eilidh
Last edited by Eilidh on Sun Jul 09, 2006 5:13 pm; edited 1 time in total
Fri Jul 07, 2006 5:19 am
simplydjo
Joined: 06 Jun 2005
Posts: 18
Location: Texas
One of the many great things about being a woman, we can be anything we want to be. When I first started going out with women I was amazed at how everyone told me how "girly" I was. I was treated like a princess. Now I have never thought of myself this way, but the more I heard it the more I liked it. Years later I have found that the reason I wasn't "girly" before was to me "girly" meant confidence, attractiveness, socialability (is that a word?) anyway the more I was accepted the more I felt confident, attractive, and sociable. I still like to play with power tools but I now wear gloves so I dont ruin my nails
Originally posted by cexplainsitall:
I guess I just need to become more comfortable with my new sexual identity, huh? I have so much to learn about being a lesbian.
As for the above quote, it sounds like you have much to learn (and accept) about yourself without labels. Once you have that the rest just falls into place. _________________ "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fri Jul 07, 2006 7:52 pm
cexplainsitall
Joined: 06 Jul 2006
Posts: 7
Location: Boston (currently Shanghai)
Hi! Thank you so much for your warm welcomes and replies. They were helpful, and I'm glad I got to know a bit about the women on this board too. I think I'm going to enjoy myself here!
Yes, I suppose I am still new to my sexual identity and everything. It's strange because I'm still me, the exact same person, but there are all these new feelings and uncertainties I've been having suddenly.
quote:Originally posted by simplydjo:
Years later I have found that the reason I wasn't "girly" before was to me "girly" meant confidence, attractiveness, socialability
Haha, that's a really interesting story! Yes, I've been called "girly" too, though not by women I go out with since I haven't dated any yet. I act less girly than most of my friends and I like less girly things, but I look like a cute, petite little girl to the T, so that label has just stuck on me. It's funny how so many people love using labels for everything. A bit sad really, but looks like a reality of life. (Not that I have to accept it!)
quote:Originally posted by Eilidh:
As far as aesthetics are concerned, Motodiva said it best: "Love her for who she is, be who you want to be."
Eilidh, I love that quote. Thank you!
quote:Originally posted by Eilidh:
if you find that you were simply replacing the term lesbian with the term asexual, and you are indeed sexually attracted to other women, then I congratulate you on figuring out who you truly are. It requires courage to accept yourself as you are.
Hmm this is a tough one for me. It's always been tough for me all my life, since I've had crushes on men before but never had a sexual urge to be with them. And I've always felt bored when kissing them or going any further. Yet, I never developed crushes on women until the last two years, and so I'm just not sure. Is it even possible to suddenly have crushes on women? If I really was gay, wouldn't I have had crushes on them during my puberty stages, like I did with men? Yet, women do turn me on in a sexual way, and they always have...I've just never been turned on emotionally by them until recently. Which is all too confusing.
But I suppose I just need to see for myself one day, when I actually get around to coming out and dating a woman. Then maybe I'll be more sure of myself.
- C
Mon Jul 10, 2006 2:34 am
Motodiva
Joined: 17 Jun 2006
Posts: 21
Location: Washington State
quote:
Hmm this is a tough one for me. It's always been tough for me all my life, since I've had crushes on men before but never had a sexual urge to be with them. And I've always felt bored when kissing them or going any further. Yet, I never developed crushes on women until the last two years, and so I'm just not sure. Is it even possible to suddenly have crushes on women? If I really was gay, wouldn't I have had crushes on them during my puberty stages, like I did with men? Yet, women do turn me on in a sexual way, and they always have...I've just never been turned on emotionally by them until recently. Which is all too confusing.
Of course this is confusing. I was married for almost 10 years to a man. I had no idea I was gay. I never had crushes on girls. In fact., I barely had any girl friends. I had "crushes" on men, but what I really had was a feeling of insecurity, bandaged with attention from men i.e. he wants me, I must be worthy of being loved. So I slept with a lot of men.
I figured that having damaged my view of sex by allowing myself to be pimped out (by myself for the attention) at such a young age was the reason the I was never interested in or enjoyed sex. I guess I thought I was just damaged goods. It wasn't until I fell in love with a woman that I realized that what I had thought was attraction to men was simply a desperate attempt to "normalize" myself.
When I realized the depth of what could be, I began to understand a lot about myself. It pretty much explained the mass of my life. Turns out I'm not a cynic, I do believe in love, I can enjoy sex, am capable of passion. I can honestly tell you that it never occurred to me, in my straight lifestyle, to question my sexuality. I never really looked at women, or was turned on by anyone.
Then I met my love. She was my best friend for years, bonded the instant we met. It took a lot of communication and trust for us to ever even realize there was more than friendship. Years, actually. Yet, once we did, it just fell into place. It was like I put the pieces of a puzzle together and everything made sense. I tried to scramble up the puzzle and put it back in the box for a while, but once I saw the picture, I couldn't pretend I didn't know what it was.
I feel like I sleep walked for years, but now I'm awake, and as much easier as it would be to deny who I am, I can't look myself in the mirror and say for one second I'm sorry.
Glad you liked my quote. I hope that my experiences can help you to find yourself, whoever that may be.
The most important thing you can do for yourself and any future love, is to try and understand yourself and love that person completely. Don't put any expectations on who you think you should love or who should love you. Love happens in funny ways, and what each person finds attractive is unique to them. Heck, why would I want to date someone that is similar to me, I can just look in the mirror!
She and I are very different looking, but each of us is attracted to the other and thinks she is beautiful. Together we are beautiful. No matter what the world might think. One skinny, one curvy, one gets mistaken for a guy, the other a bimbo. Who knew?
Mon Jul 10, 2006 2:53 am
Eilidh Moderators
Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880
quote:Originally posted by cexplainsitall:
quote:Originally posted by Eilidh:
As far as aesthetics are concerned, Motodiva said it best: "Love her for who she is, be who you want to be."
Eilidh, I love that quote. Thank you!
C,
Giving credit where credit is due, that's actually Motodiva's quote.
Mon Jul 10, 2006 3:32 am
cexplainsitall
Joined: 06 Jul 2006
Posts: 7
Location: Boston (currently Shanghai)
quote:Originally posted by Eilidh:
quote:Originally posted by cexplainsitall:
quote:Originally posted by Eilidh:
As far as aesthetics are concerned, Motodiva said it best: "Love her for who she is, be who you want to be."
Eilidh, I love that quote. Thank you!
C,
Giving credit where credit is due, that's actually Motodiva's quote.
Right, I just noticed that! Then thank you, Motodiva.
Mon Jul 10, 2006 5:45 am
realwoman
Joined: 05 Dec 2005
Posts: 1040
Location: under our tree in Africa
Dear cexplainsitall
I read your post with interest, as the title "Admiration or Attraction" is a good description of what often causes the confusion with regard to who we really are, when society tells us to be one thing, and we know we cannot be like thiat.
I want to make a few points in this respect, firstly that, after I eventually made peace with myself and the fact that I am gay, I realised (looking back over my life - I am a late bloomer) that many of the woman for which I thought I had 'admiration' while growing up, the word 'attraction' was probably more appropriate....
Secondly, and here I can only support what Motodiva said, we need to be who we are, or become who we want to be, or who u really are... This is a process that is quite similar to accepting the fact that you are gay. For example - I tried so hard before I came out of the closet to rebel against society that I never did the 'feminine' things, but now, I actually like to go for a facial every once in a while, and I have CFM-red toenails inside my boots!
Then thirdly, and this relates to what you find atttactive, I paged through a book on Saturday called "Love at First Sight", with quite interesting theories about why we fall in love, supported by pictures of famous lovers. The point that the book made is that we find things attarctive in others that are actually a reflection of ourselves - whether that be physically or emotionally. The pictures of the famous lovers illustrated this on a physical level -ever noticed how much JFK and Marilyn, or Richard Burton and Liz Taylor, etc. look like one another? Try putting pictures of half of each one';s face next to the half of the other - it is amazing!
What is more important however, is that you are yourself - in terms of looks and atire and BEING. It is not about your body and face - it is your heart and soul that matters! Being YOU emotionally will draw the person that is your mate towards you, and you towards her.
Dont try and be something your not comfortable with...
Remeber life is a process of discovering who you really are...
Good luck with this wonderful journey,
Hugs
real _________________ .
.
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
Gallery
FAQ
Profile PM's 
I act less girly than most of my friends and I like less girly things, but I look like a cute, petite little girl to the T, so that label has just stuck on me. It's funny how so many people love using labels for everything. A bit sad really, but looks like a reality of life. (Not that I have to accept it!)
