Last edited by Str8NotNarrow on Fri Oct 29, 2004 5:47 pm; edited 1 time in total
Wed Oct 06, 2004 7:31 pm
Str8NotNarrow
Joined: 06 Oct 2004
Posts: 2
Sorry for replying to myself (such a newbie) but I forgot my questions...
Should I come clean with her about my feelings for her and risk our friendship by being honest?
How should I feel about the way she acted last weekend? I'm confused by it. My feelings were hurt, but I didn't confront her because I didn't know neither how to do it nor was I sure my feelings were even valid or relevant.
Could someone explain how a loving monogamous person who is in a committed relationship for seven months can go from crying and swearing that she is going to do everything in her power to make her shattered relationship work to making out with someone she probably wouldn't even talk to while sober in less than five minutes? And then the next day swears all day that she's going to mend the relationship and then takes a crazed drug-addled stripper home who stole a coat from me and a pair of shoes and a curling iron from her before sneaking out like the thief she was?
Wed Oct 06, 2004 7:52 pm
melons Site Admin
Joined: 06 Feb 2004
Posts: 2371
Hi Str8NotNarrow,
thanks for being so upfront about being a man .
I'm very sorry to hear about your wife and the quandery you find yourself in.
I'm not sure I can answer your questions properly, having never been in that situation, but I will have a go .
You say your lesbian friend was very upset from the break up with her g/f and you wonder how she could go with another woman so soon after her break up. Its not actually something I would do but maybe she needed the loving and release of all the emotions that had built up. Each person is different and copes with things in a different way so maybe this was her way of coping or of feeling needed/loved/attractive. Plus you also say she was drunk and we all know that, when a person is drunk all caution is thrown to the wind and people often do things that are out of character. She may have regretted it the next day, or she may be embarassed to talk about it. (I can't relate to this much either as I am teetotal lol...sorry ).
I think that you are likley to be suffering emotionally since the loss of your wife and your own emotions need to be addressed too. You seem to recognise this. Are you confusing love with affection or love with companionship? Were you hurt as a friend would be hurt if ignored, not appreciated or cared about?
She is unlikely to be aware how you feel about her if you have never expressed any of the behaviours associated with 'being in love,' but if you are an open, honest man (as I consider you to be from your post) then maybe you should discuss your feelings with her. It could be infatuation on your part, a desire to be loved, a desire to have what you may not be able to have etc....and if she is a true friend then she will not be offended by what you say.
On the surface it does seem that maybe (and please dont take offence at this) that she is taking you for a ride and using you as a kind of meal ticket... but that is all I can see from the surface of things. It is very hard to formulate an opinion about someone without ever having met them; however, from your post I would assess that you appear to be a sensitive and generous man, who is conscious of not offending others. I cannot make an assessment on your friend because the 'communication' has not been from her (does that make sense),
My view would be to talk to her, let her know how you feel. Accept her response and don't push the subject, but be aware that you have suffered emotional trauma recently too and this may affect your judgement. You need to look at whether you feel emotionally ready for a relationship this soon after losing your wife, is your friend interested in this (probably not if she is lesbian) and also if she is bisexual then how would you manage a relationship that may not last.
I doubt this will help you much, but at least I tried . Here's wishing you ...and your friend... all the best.
Mel
Wed Oct 06, 2004 10:32 pm
DanceofSorrows
Joined: 29 Aug 2004
Posts: 2837
Str8,
Hoping for your healing and renewal of strength. I read somewhere (maybe from a post here) that love heals all wounds, not time. Makes sense when we are hurting and processing through grief. Also partially explains why people do the things they do, even if for the illusion. Your needs and desires are important. Allow yourself time to meet all of them in healthy ways and with strong supportive friends, who are not attractions. I hope your heart finds beautiful love again~
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