Should I ask my daughter if she is gay? Goto page 1, 2Next
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FarFromMe
Joined: 01 Jun 2006
Posts: 10
Should I ask my daughter if she is gay?
I posted this in another forum, but the response has been limited, so I am looking for a bit more feedback.
I want to ask my daughter if she is gay.
She is 20 and is a college student.
She grew up living with her mother about 60 miles away.
For the most part, she was with me every other weekend. The weekends
ended a few years ago (she has a life). But for a long time we had
lunch every Sunday. Now we have lunch every once in awhile (every three weeks or so on average).
I feel like she enjoys seeing me. But sometimes she isn't too
talkative.
She has never, to my knowledge, been on a date with a boy. She attended
her high school prom with a girl (I'll call her Rose)(she said that
that's what kids did nowadays...don't have a date or don't want one, go
anyway...)
When she started hanging out with Rose, her mood seemed much improved.
She then followed Rose (who was a year ahead of her) to college and they were inseperable that first year.
Then the next year she had nothing to do with Rose and there was a new
girl with whom she was inseperable. But that didn't last and now her
best friend is a third girl, I'll call her Mary.
Mary, still in high school, lives about three hours away from my
daughter. They met online, I believe, and then in person at a concert.
My daughter gets together with her at every chance, including spending
twelve hours on the road to spend the weekend with Mary on the college
campus.
My daughter has openly supported gay/lesbian rights on the campus and
has talked to me about the verbal abuse she has received for doing so. I don't remember exactly how I responded to that, but I tried to be supportive.
When her brother became a fundamentalist Baptist, I reacted badly. I was furious. I still don't like it, but I've accepted it.
I worry that she saw how I reacted to her brother and that she worries I will react that way to her (I wouldn't).
At any rate, I feel like we are getting further apart. I feel like her
not coming out is a roadblock.
If she is gay, would my asking be wrong???
I have no issues about her being gay at all. I truly don't. I just
want her to be happy and I want to be a part of her life.
Thanks.
FarFromMe
Thu Jun 01, 2006 1:15 am
Cavewoman
Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 2056
Location: nearby
Its just my opinion here, but i see nothing wrong with asking her if she is gay. My dad asked me, which sort of surprised me, but it DID make coming out a whole lot easier.. and it did feel good emotionally to know that my REAL feelings and life were no longer a secret. He was always my touchstone and largest pool of knowledge and support as i was growing into truely matured adulthood. Unfortunately, he passed away not long ago and to this very moment i am lonely in many ways because while the rest of family absolutely knows and supports me, well, they're not dad... nobody will ever be able to take his place..Its just the way things were between us. So anyway, ask her and keep to the promise you made here - don't react badly or blow up in her face. If deep down you really don't support her and can't accept her decisions, then don't ask, nobody needs or wants a wedge between themselves and their parents.
Thu Jun 01, 2006 2:02 am
FarFromMe
Joined: 01 Jun 2006
Posts: 10
Thanks for the post.
Please accept my condolences for your loss.
There is no way I will react badly. I will just be happy to get past this issue.
Thu Jun 01, 2006 2:18 am
cesini
Joined: 15 May 2006
Posts: 37
Location: Los Angeles
I would also ask her. I've known and known of several people who's parent asked, and it eased the coming out process immensely.
Thu Jun 01, 2006 3:36 am
DanceofSorrows
Joined: 29 Aug 2004
Posts: 2837
FarFromMe,
I think it would be great to to keep the communication lines open. My first thoughts in reading the post were, "Now if that were my situation I think I would start by being vulnerable with something in my own life to open the communication lines." Sometimes leading helps. In fact, the vulnerability you showed here, word for word, is the start. The worst that can happen is the opening of thoughts and feelings on a subject, whether she is or she isn't gay, which isn't bad in the first place. She still needs you in many ways and if it isn't that she is gay, just knowing you are concerned about her and wanting to understand and accept will open up other area's in her life to you that she may have had a hard time talking with you about.
I wish you both the very best.
Dance~
Thu Jun 01, 2006 4:09 am
FarFromMe
Joined: 01 Jun 2006
Posts: 10
cesini,
Thanks for the post. Nice to hear that asking has worked out OK for others.
Thu Jun 01, 2006 7:06 pm
FarFromMe
Joined: 01 Jun 2006
Posts: 10
Dance,
Thanks for the encourgement. Now I'll see what I can do (it will be a bit, she's out of state for awhile).
When the time comes, I'll let everyone know how it works out.
Thu Jun 01, 2006 7:11 pm
Dueceswild
Joined: 13 Apr 2005
Posts: 304
Location: WV
Personally I can say that all the red flags are there. Like others have said, if you do it then be sure that you are sensitive to her feelings, and be suportive. Opening that door and asking her might make her understand that she doesn't have to hide it. Good luck!
D _________________ Never do anything you don't want to have to explain to the paramedics!
Thu Jun 01, 2006 8:55 pm
Stuckinahs
Joined: 07 Dec 2005
Posts: 39
Location: New York
I think I would probably make sure she knew how I felt about gay issues and gay people. Give her the chance to tell you herself. If she doesn't then tell her all you want for her is for her to be happy and if being with women makes her happy, then you are happy too.
Fri Jun 02, 2006 12:35 am
FarFromMe
Joined: 01 Jun 2006
Posts: 10
D,
Thanks for the post. I promise I'll try to be sensitive to her needs and I WILL be supportive. Truth be told, at this point I hope she is gay. Because if she isn't, then why no dates with males (EVER!)? Seems like that would be a cause for concern, whereas being gay is just being gay (I know, if only the world allowed you to just be gay so simply).
Sat Jun 03, 2006 3:11 am
FarFromMe
Joined: 01 Jun 2006
Posts: 10
Stuckie,
Thanks. At this point I'm pretty sure I'll be asking. But I do have a story to tell her before I get around to asking. I'll tell the story ASAP. It may take longer to ask her, but hopefully sometime this summer.
The story is about a guy I was friends with twenty five years ago. He was gay and fairly open about it. We were pretty good friends and for awhile I put him up at my place (to be clear, I am completely straight). Then jobs took us in different directions. About three years ago, I looked him up and we briefly talked. After that I was unable to get in touch with him. Recently I googled him again to see what he might be up to only to discover he died, apparantly not too long after I had talked with him. He was really a tremondous individual. Really loved life.
Seems like that should help.
Sat Jun 03, 2006 3:23 am
realwoman
Joined: 05 Dec 2005
Posts: 1040
Location: under our tree in Africa
Dear FarFromMe
Thank you for your post - it made me think deep and consider issues that I have avoided for some time with my own father, whom I love dearly, but I do not have the courage to walk up to him and tell him "Pa, ek is Gay". Four simple words, but I can not give voice to them...
And if he should ask me directly, I dont know .. I may deny and lie to him ... so as to not hurt him, crazy as it may sound...
I remember when I was about 16, my bedroom was next to my parents's, and one night I overheard my dad asking my mom if she thought everything was OK with me, as I did not have a boyfriend, only a bunch of girls that i hang out with (all straight, we did not even know about the word lesbian then), and I did not date, and was going to the matric dance on my own (no boy that asked me I wanted to say yes to - I sat at the table with my best friend and her date-lmao).... I couldnt hear mom's answer, but I heard Dad's gruffy voice saying that he is worried about me....that it is not 'normal' for a16yo girl not to date boys...
So - i guess that is where it comes from - our society wants 'normal' and wants ppl to live their lives in terms of the set 'rules' - and that makes coming out to one's parents especially diffucult... as u want to please them and not hurt them because you cannot live by those rules...
I rembered this lil incident just the other day - I only came out at the age of 37 (wasting 20 years of my life, being single and unhappy, until the day i accepted myself) and wondered how much different my life would have been if I could have spoken about my uncertainties and fears to my parents then...but i could not - I grew up in a religious conservative society and one just did not speak to one's parents about these things. And even today, I still cannot even tell them how HAPPY I am since I have fallen in love with the most wonderful WOMAN... and that is so SAD
Sorry - I am rambling - lol - I am not saying your daughter is gay - she may be, she may not be but I fully support the opinions expressed here, especially by Dance and Stucky...
Make her feel safe to talk to you about who she is... espress your viewpoint and acceptance of gay people openly, in general conversation, even where other ppl are present, and then she may come out to you!
I think u are a great dad!
All the best
real _________________ .
.
light is to darkness as love is to fear...
Sat Jun 03, 2006 10:30 am
lemonscent
Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 45
Location: Australia
FarFromMe,
There is much good advice here for you to glean. I'm simply here to take the opportunity to congratulate you on the thought you have put into your post, obviously the product of much pondering on your part.
Whatever is going on in her world; it's good to see such support from a mother.
Best wishes and good luck. _________________ life shouldn't be such a drama when surrounded by so much comedy
Wed Jun 07, 2006 10:18 am
lemonscent
Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 45
Location: Australia
Oh my golly goodness...I've just realized you are male FarFromMe, regardless, my post remains unchanged, except to say, it is just a good to see such support from a father. Or better said still...a parent. _________________ life shouldn't be such a drama when surrounded by so much comedy
Wed Jun 07, 2006 10:23 am
RedViolin1
Joined: 29 Sep 2005
Posts: 86
Location: Michigan
One way to approach it would be to bring up the current senate debate on gay marriage, and ask her views on it. If you support gay marriage, this would be a good time to tell her, as it would open dialogue about gay issues. Take her out to quiet relaxed dinner and just have a nice talk. I know I would be thrilled if my dad supported me. Its hard to come out to your parents for some if not most lesbians, esp. your dad. You feel like you are rejecting him as a male, so she might be trying to spare your feelings in not telling you. You sound really sensitive and thats a wonderful thing to offer your daughter. Take it slow and go at her pace. But let her know you are open to talking about it. _________________ i am ceaslessly amazing... at times! fun loving, passionate, perfectly imperfect human being.
Some say the glass is half full, some say it's half empty. I drink whats left and ask for a refill!
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