Let me start by saying I am aware I am bi with a heavy lean toward the female of the sexes, but am married to a man and in the closet. I have always tried to make sure my daughter's feel comfortable in their own skin. My 12 year old has told me she is most definitely bi (she had no idea about me at the time, but now I have shared my feeling with her). She has also told her brother (her dad's step son) and her best friend.
This weekend my daughter was out shopping with her step mom and brother and the step brother told her he thought a clerk was flirting with him. My daughter giggled and said the clerk wasn't. Her brother told her maybe she was flirting with my daughter then and her step mom said "Eeeuuuww. No way, that is so disgusting."
It makes me worry for her. I don't want her hearing this kind of crap, but I realize that is the world we live in.
I just told her she needs to be aware that her step mom may have issues with this once she knows and that regardless she needs to be true to her own feelings and not care so much what others might think. She asked what my grandmother might think and what her grandmother might think- that was harder for me. My mom won't even blink (I'm out to her), but my grandmother will completely freak. I told her to just not mention it unless it actually is directly asked of her- there really would never be a reason for this to come up now anyhow and my grandmother will not be around long. I feel bad now though- as though I asked her to lie about who she really is???
Since I am not out, it is very hard for me to give advice to her and I hope i am being supportive???
Wed May 31, 2006 12:59 am
beautifullyjaded
Joined: 04 Sep 2005
Posts: 289
Location: lost in love
It sounds like you're doing the best you can, given the situation. You seem very supportive of her and her decision. You also appear to have an open relationship with your daughter, but I can't help wondering how long it took her to come to you. I remember being her age and having the hardest time going to my mother, even though she was gay and I knew it. You might consider finding her someone her own age, a club or group activity, where she could be herself and not be judged, if that's what she wants. I know it took finding out how different I really wasn't for me to feel more comfortable in my own skin.
As for giving her advice, sometimes mom's just can't do it. I love my mom, we talk about everything, but I never go to her for love advice. She has her own demons to work through, as we all do, and she's my mom. She wants to protect me. She'd also be thrilled if sex weren't an issue. (Apparantly I'm her baby and I'm not supposed to do that?) What worked for me was a "big sister" sort of person. Someone I could go to who would keep my secrets and keep me safe all at the same time. Someone my mom trusted to tell her if something bad had happened to me, but someone who wouldn't rat me out for the minor stuff. She was the one I went to with everything.
Just something to consider. All in all, I'd say you're doing a bang up job with her. It's going to be awkward for both of you, for a while yet, but if you and your daughter end up anything like mom and I did, it's worth it. Best of luck.
Hugs,
Bj _________________ You've jaded me and that's beautiful
*************
There is no such thing as normal
Thu Jun 01, 2006 1:19 am
DanceofSorrows
Joined: 29 Aug 2004
Posts: 2837
Limbo,
I can understand your concern. On a day to day basis, I keep watch for the type of influences that surround my kids, they are younger than your daughter. And the older they get perhaps I will worry more when their wings arch through air, but I will also have to trust that I have prepared them enough, that maybe something I said or did for thier benefit would stay with them in thier hearts and minds. This is an opportunity for her to accept responsibility for how she veiws the world and others in her life, and even herself. None of us are done maturing until the day we die but we spend a lifetime learning about ourselves and relationships. The ugliness out there is real. In fact, at one point in our lives we have all contributed to it in some way. But that is when we learn, it's is not about what others say or do...it's about what we say and do ourselves...and that is taking responsibility. Wishing you both the best.
Dance~
Thu Jun 01, 2006 2:04 pm
Stuckinahs
Joined: 07 Dec 2005
Posts: 39
Location: New York
I'd make sure that your daughter gets lots of exposure to gays and lesbians in positive roles. When I was growing up, a hundred years ago, there was nothing with which I could identify. I felt like I was the only one in the world that felt that way. I don't think being gay quite has the stigma that it used to have, but discrimination and bias is still out there. If your daughter has a strong sense of self and your support, she can withstand people like her stepmother. Have you thought of talking to the stepmother? Or is that not possible?
Fri Jun 02, 2006 3:54 am
Limbo
Joined: 21 Apr 2006
Posts: 68
Location: USA
They do not know yet- her dad and stepmother I mean. Her dad will be fine and I think he will stand up for her.
We live in a very conservative area and I really do not know many gay people. I mean, I have two business associates who are a couple and have been for a long time and they are so careful with who knows they moved out of town and into the country because people are so conservative and it affects their business and lives too much.
She does not go to a school which would have any sort of groups or even where others would be open about it, but her best friend and her brother who is also very close to her are there for her. I'm glad she has them. She is a pretty introverted kid in many ways, but not a pushover introvert, but she doesn't openly communicate deep things much.
It's so hard- you wish you could just keep them in your womb forever to protect them, but, alas, that just cannot be.
thanks for the suggestions. I will keep my eyes and ears open to finding ways she can be positively influenced.
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