i feel so alone and lost right now. this is my story(i'll probably leave out a lot to shorten it) it may sound stupid and i dont know if anyone will understand but here goes.. when i was in the 11th grade i was really shy and use to always come online and chat, i met this girl and we really clicked. we called each other all the time and stayed up till early morning hours just talking. i couldnt keep the secret i liked girls forever so i finally told my mom. she freaked, at first she was going to accept it but then she decided it was wrong and she couldn't. she made me start going to church and at first i really didnt want to but then i ended up liking it. after talking with the asst pastor's wife (once or twice a wk for a while) i said i wasnt a lesbian. they had my cut off all communication with kea(my ex) after being told it was wrong and sinful i was given a choice to switch to christian school my senior yr. i switched and my whole life changed. the church said the bible says women shouldnt wear what men wear so i gave up all my pants and switched to skirts/dresses. they said rock/rap/pop/etc music was of the devil and i should only be listening to christian music so i gave it all up. they said you should have christian friends so i gave up my old friends and hung out with the ones at the christian school. anyway i graduated from christian hs and went to christian college where the church said i should go. it was almost like a boot camp rather than college.. had to get up at certain time, be to sleep at certain time, had to be in a ministry and invite ppl to church, had to maintain a strict dress code, no touching guys at all, no going off campus alone, etc, etc. i did that for a yr then took off for a yr to save up money then went back, when i went back i hated it. i had been away and been more independent so going back under all those rules made be crazy. i left in the middle of the semester and i was so mad at it all. i havent been back to church since and am kind of unsure of everything right now. i never stopped liking girls. i know if my mom or other family members ever found out id end up back where i started. i'm 21 right now and am planning on going to a public college in the fall. i don't know what to do.
Thu Feb 09, 2006 6:01 am
GayGoddess
Joined: 27 Jan 2006
Posts: 45
Location: Michigan
Wow, that's quite a story. I sense that you know in your heart that your sexuality is an inherent part of you, and that God made you just the way you are. You know you're OK just the way you are, don't you? I got that sense from your message. I don't think you'd be posting here if some part of you didn't know that already.
The good news is that you're 21 and nobody can force you into any situation you don't want to be in. I'm 24 and I'm just now trying to come out to the people in my family that I've been hiding this from. Up until now everyone has been pretty damn supportive, and I know I'm lucky -- this next phase won't be so easy because I already know their ridiculous opinions about gay people. It's never easy to assert yourself and be exactly who you are when it clashes with your family's expectations. It's necessary though, if you want to be a whole person and not just a shadow of your family.
You can either go on living your life the way you want to for a while, and get comfortable in your own skin, before you come out to your family -- or you can do it now and get it out of the way. If you decide to do it now though, make sure you're confident enough to not let them try to change you. I've struggled with my sexuality for years and almost destroyed my 9+ year relationship with my girlfriend over my wish to be straight. It's not worth it to kill a chance at real love just to make your parents happy. Embracing yourself the way you are is a hard process and it takes many years. At least you know you can come here for support on your journey...
Hopefully you'll get more advice here too, but remember to listen to your heart first and foremost. Turn off your mind and listen to your heart.
Sending love! _________________
Thu Feb 09, 2006 11:50 am
azncollegegurl21
Joined: 09 Feb 2006
Posts: 4
I don't know what I want to do right now. I don't want to like other women just because I know all the struggle that will come with. I honestly think God must've made a mistake when He created me. I want to just give up on life but I'm too chicken to try anything.
Fri Feb 10, 2006 2:09 am
Sprout
Joined: 26 Aug 2005
Posts: 130
Location: Upstate NY
GG is right. You are an adult now, one who can make her own decisions. Don't let what your family may think or say about it, hinder your growing into who you are becoming or who YOU want to be!
You had the courage to walk away from the christian school, you HAVE the strength to get through this. Whatever the outcome is, whatever you decide to do. You have to do what will make YOU, and you alone, HAPPY!
The only other thing I can tell you is that God did NOT make a mistake, He knew what He was doing. This is merely a test of your strength, the strength HE gave you.
And Sweetie, harming yourself or ending your life over this SMALL matter is so NOT worth it! God had a specific plan in mind for you when He created you.
I wish I could offer you better advice......Just know that you are wonderful and beautiful just the way you are.
First of all, just take a breath........relax..........and do it again. The first thing you need to realize is that nothing has to be decided at this moment in time. Just take your time and take a little of this pressure off of yourself.
Many of us have had some kind of programming in our lives - especially if we come from a family where there was a strong religious belief system. Religious beliefs in themselves are not wrong, however, when they breed homophobia or bias of any kind then they open themselves up to be rightfully questioned just as you have done.
You are not wrong, azn. You are not a bad person or abnormal. You are an adult now and not able to be controlled by those who cannot accept you for the mature, loving, nurturing person that you are. We create labels of 'right' and 'wrong', 'normal' and 'abnormal'........ those are not real categories but constructed by people who feel safer by pigeon holing others.
You are good and healthy and finding your way in this world just as all of the rest of us have had to do. Please, take the guilt off of yourself and be kind to you. Allow yourself to discover this part of who you are without wearing the shame that those who do not understand (or refuse to understand) are trying to pin on you.
We are here and listening to you. You are not alone and many of us can relate to this type of pressure - myself included.
One last point: can liking other women be any more of a struggle than what you are going through by denying your feelings? I don't have a personal belief in a higher power but I can say, without a moment's hesitation, that you are a gift not a mistake. Whenever this world receives an honest, caring, questioning presence that refuses to buy into a philosophy of bias without looking at the choices that are out there.........we are the better for having you here!
I wish you peace...........
Lorisue
Fri Feb 10, 2006 2:21 pm
LoriSue
Joined: 25 Jul 2005
Posts: 118
Location: Canada
Hi azn,
Just sending a 'hi' loaded with positive energy and good thoughts. I hope you are finding peace of mind and heart.......
I wish you peace.....
Lorisue
Sat Feb 11, 2006 10:40 pm
azncollegegurl21
Joined: 09 Feb 2006
Posts: 4
It's not just the lesbian issue in my life. Going to that college psyched me out. Before I left there they said if I left I would always be a quitter and I have no character. I know it seems dumb that I would listen to them but I can't help but believe them. While going there they always said going against authority was wrong, even if they were wrong it's wrong to go against them. It's like a constant fight in my mind, who do I listen to, who is right? Does God hate me like they say or is what others say right? I feel like I was in the christian world too long to completely push it out of my mind. The credits don't even transfer to another college so the last couple yrs of my life was a complete waste. I know I need to enroll in college again but it's so hard to take the steps to start over again. Even without the lesbian issue, my family doesn't even understand what I'm going through and how worthless I feel right now. I use to cut yrs ago and I started again. I know it's not making life any easier but I don't know what else to do and for some reason it feels like it's at least doing something.
Sun Feb 12, 2006 6:14 am
LoriSue
Joined: 25 Jul 2005
Posts: 118
Location: Canada
Hi Azn.
First of all, this forum is a great place to talk and look for feedback on life issues that affect us but it is not a replacement for direct one on one counselling; nor is it designed for or capable of an emergency response to any situation that might require immediate help. I ask that you keep that in mind and seek counselling that should be available in your area to help you get through this dilemma in your life in a safe and healthy manner.
I do understand what you are describing in terms of programming and pressure from 'religious' influences. When you have been raised with this type of influence for many years it becomes very hard to know whether decisions you make are good for you based on your own knowledge or whether it is what you have been taught and led to believe. Sometimes they are very similar........sometimes not.
It is not dumb that you listened to them, this is common in many people who come from this type of background and a natural response to years of being told what is right or wrong sometimes based on guilt and intimidation. It is also what we are taught to do as children: listen to those who are in authority. This serves a purpose and should help u s to grow into healthy adults but the type of influences that affect those authority figures will have an impact on how we come to look at ourselves and the world around us.
Now you have this opportunity to head off on your own (a natural part of growing and changing) - if that is what you want to do - and figure out this world on your own based on your own belief of what is good for you. Sometimes this is hard to know at first when you haven't had a lot of experience with it but just take it little steps at a time and don't rush the process - you have your whole life in front of you. Your feelings as to what is right for you will likely change as you build new friendships and relationships. This is okay and can be a very exciting and fulfilling time for you.
The last two years have not been a waste. they have given you time to grow and mature a little more and be ready to move forward on your own. This is not a waste but a necessary part of maturing and preparing for life. Unfortunately, our families do not always understand us but sometimes it comes in time. Whichever it is with your family, know that they had their own opportunities to explore life adn decide what is best for them and you can now do the same. It is okay and natural to do so.
Only you can decide what is right or wrong for you. No one can tell you this but rest assured that we have all gone through the pains of wondering if we were making the right decisions - that, too, is a natural part of growing. You are okay, you are not a bad person and you have the right to discover this world on your own.
Self injury many times is a response to stress and to feeling that you have no other outlet for it. I am not sure if you have ever spoken to anyone about it but there are many resources out there that can work with you to find ways to handle that stress in a safe and healthy manner. I urge you to contact your local mental health association or whatever it is called in your part of the world to see what they have available in terms of counselling to help you through this time. Just know that what is happening to you is a part of this stressful situation that you find yourself in and there are other ways of dealing with it that would be safer and more effective.
You are special, you are not alone and someone is listening...
I wish you peace,
Lorisue
Sun Feb 12, 2006 11:31 am
azncollegegurl21
Joined: 09 Feb 2006
Posts: 4
i don't want counseling. i've been down that road before. just needed a friend. forget it
Sun Feb 12, 2006 10:58 pm
LoriSue
Joined: 25 Jul 2005
Posts: 118
Location: Canada
There are always friends here, Azn.
I wish you peace.....
Lorisue
Mon Feb 13, 2006 12:03 am
GraceEnough
Joined: 10 Sep 2005
Posts: 19
Location: AZ
Hey hon, I don't walk in your shoes, but I've been on the same path. PM me if you need/want to and we can talk. I grew up in the church with pastors and worship leaders as my grandparents and parents and have a very deep spiritual sense. On the other hand, I've fallen in love with a woman whom I met in college and we've never looked back. Through college, separations, deployments, deaths, and unaccepting parents, we believe that we are meant to be together, and that to walk away from love in our lives is in essence, denying life. I grew up in a VERY small town in AZ and well you know how small towns are. I've traveled the world during the past three years and have learned among many things to never give up on myself and most importantly, to be true to who I am. I am a woman, a strong woman, a spiritual woman, a compassionate woman, & I am in love with a woman. The best advice I've been given is that when we show love to other people, we are showing love to not only mankind but also our creator. I hope this finds you well, and like I said don't be a stranger if you need to talk...
~Grace (beth) _________________ "Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me" -Joan Armatrading
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
Gallery
FAQ
Profile PM's 
