Need advice: Deciding to identify as a lesbian, not bisexual Goto page 1, 2Next
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GayGoddess
Joined: 27 Jan 2006
Posts: 45
Location: Michigan
Need advice: Deciding to identify as a lesbian, not bisexual
Hi everybody. This is my first post. I'll try to keep my intro short and to the point.
I'm 24 and I've been in an on-and-off relationship with another woman for the last 9 years. The reason it was on-and-off was because of my own confusion about my sexuality. In the beginning things were just too intense and we were too young to know how to handle it, which was a convenient excuse for me to break it off and try to act straight to the outside world.
I always considered myself bisexual though I had never actually been with a guy. I've always been mostly attracted to females. I was attracted to certain guys though I never thought about them sexually, and I just figured things would be OK when I was finally in a relationship with one. I was wrong. In the last year I dated a guy and realized (#1) that I'm still deeply in love with my girlfriend and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and (#2) I have no sexual interest in guys whatsoever, and even if I were to break up with my girlfriend (who I have since reunited with and we're very happy), I would only be with women.
Since these realizations I've started feeling like it's very stupid to call myself bisexual just because I'm attracted to certain male celebrities now and then or I think that one is "cute" sometimes, or because I was with a guy once for a very short time in my past. In the reverse situation, if a girl has a "girlcrush," would I label her bisexual? No. So I think the same applies to me...
This has been a long time coming, but I really think I am ready to identify myself as a lesbian. I'm looking for some confirmation of these feelings, for somebody to tell me that yes, it's OK for someone like me to call myself a lesbian even though all the things in the paragraph above are true. I used to think it was all very cut and dry, e.g. you are gay if you only like the same sex, you are straight if you only like the opposite sex, and if you like both you are bisexual. Now I think it has more to do with attraction versus sex, and lifestyle versus feelings. It's all confusing to me, but with each passing day I feel like I identify less and less with the bisexual label. I'm certain in my love of women, and I'm certain that I want to be with this particular one for the rest of my life. I also know that if that doesn't work out, I will date women exclusively. With all that certainty, somehow the word "bisexual" suddenly feels very uncertain, and it seems to undermine all of these realizations I've had.
I really want to talk to other lesbians about this, because though I have bisexual female friends, I don't have any lesbian friends. It's a big deal for me to change this, and it feels like I'm finally making a permanent statement of who I am, but I feel good about that. I'm just wondering, considering everything I said above, would YOU consider me a lesbian? Do my feelings make sense to all of you? I'm looking forward to hearing what you have to say. Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to reply! _________________
Fri Jan 27, 2006 9:57 am
Shamrock
Joined: 16 May 2005
Posts: 31
Hello Gaygoddess,
Trust me, I for one identify completely with what you have said. Personally, I have been dealing with many of the same questions/feelings these past few months. I’m an English major in university and last semester took a course that was very helpful in developing my understanding of social labels and how they impact my view of sexuality. Probably won’t be able to do it all justice in this little blurb, but I’ll try.
The course I took was a study of North American aboriginal literature. One of its major objectives was to show how mainstream western culture was founded on the assumption of dichotomy. If you’re not one thing, you’re the other. If it’s not good, it’s bad. If you’re not straight, you’re gay….so on and so forth. Our obsession with labels, creates a rigid environment that is not conducive to the fluidity of human perceptions and understandings.
The way you described your feelings toward women, sums up almost exactly how I have felt. Don’t be hard on yourself. Life is one big process. We experiment and we learn. I don’t want to go on too long, but I’ll tell you that for me, coming to define myself as lesbian has had everything to do with the strong natural attraction I feel for women (even though I have had fleeting attractions to males my entire life and have acted on a couple). Some people will say that you do not have to label yourself, but once again for me, it was something I needed to do. Because 1) I believe being gay is about a person’s primary attractions and 2) out of these attractions comes the need to identify with, and built a life around the culture that supports how I feel.
I often find myself thinking along these lines
Homosexual activity does not a homosexual make
Heterosexual activity does not a heterosexual make.
I’m gonna go all Oprah on you and say, all one can do is live their personal truth and from time to time that truth is modified. Hope this helps. All the best - Shamrock
Fri Jan 27, 2006 3:29 pm
Trialia
Joined: 28 Dec 2005
Posts: 28
Location: Staffordshire, England
GayGoddess... Similar situation for me here. I solve the labelling problem by going with "ambivalent". _________________ She's out in the rain again, and the sun shines through the clouds to kiss her skin.
A droplet of the water rolls down her throat, and you swallow, hard, as you watch her.
Sun Jan 29, 2006 6:39 am
Jules
Joined: 22 Feb 2005
Posts: 904
Location: Home
GayGoddess,
Welcome! I hope you have been enjoying your stay.
We all have our own opinion about what we find appealing in a person. I can look at someone, be it male or female and think...wow, they have really sexy eyes...or...great smile. These things are attractive, not in so much a sexual (you really HAVE to take this person home and....hehe, sorry, I got distracted there for a minute) way, just as appreciating something beautiful on another person. I'm sure not everyone feels this way, and...that's ok. That's what makes us all work together so well.
Please visit us again soon...
Jules _________________ Never again
Wed Feb 01, 2006 4:35 am
Guest
Think in percentages. there is not one u, there are many. You change over time from place to place and in front of different people.
Thu Feb 02, 2006 12:38 am
GayGoddess
Joined: 27 Jan 2006
Posts: 45
Location: Michigan
I made the decision final on January 30th. I've put a lifetime of thought into this, though most of the time I was in denial. I guess most of us are in denial until you just can't deny it anymore. Anyway here is the lengthy message that I posted on my MySpace blog, which really sums up how I feel about everything. A lot of it was copied and pasted from my original post above, but I added a ton of things... Here goes:
Subject:
A small announcement
Text:
As most of you know I've been in an on-and-off relationship with Lisa for the last 9 years. The reason it was on-and-off was because of my own confusion about my sexuality.In the beginning things were just too intense and we were too young to know how to handle it, which was a convenient excuse for me to break it off and try to act straight to the outside world. Though I denied it, a big part of me desperately wanted my family to love and accept me. I thought living a straight life and keeping my attraction to women private would be my ticket to that acceptance. True to the cliche, when I found what I was looking for (the beginning of a "normal" life and the acceptance of my family), it felt false and hollow. I was empty and lonely inside, disgusted by my own constant search for a type of acceptance that was always just beyond my reach, and most of all I was just purely unhappy. I kept painting on a happy face and trying to be Miss Normal, but I soon realized that it wasn't normal for me at all, and it certainly wasn't good enough.
I always considered myself bisexual though I had never actually been with a guy. I've always been mostly attracted to females. I was attracted to certain guys though I never thought about them sexually, and I just figured things would be OK when I was finally in a relationship with one. I was wrong. In the last year I dated a guy and realized (#1) that I'm still deeply in love with my girlfriend and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and (#2) I have no sexual interest in guys whatsoever, and even if I were to break up with my girlfriend (who I have since reunited with and we're very happy), I would only be with women. I didn't realize that I can't have the intense emotional connection with a man that I can have with a woman. I didn't realize that I'm just wired differently, and it's impossible for me to feel fulfilled and appreciated by a man. It's not in my future. I have no desire for that. I'm glad that I know that now, and I wish I hadn't wasted so many years chasing that "normal life." I have no regrets, but I have a very deep understanding of myself now, and the acceptance that I sought from others, I have found in myself.
Since these realizations I've started feeling like it's very stupid to call myself bisexual just because I'm attracted to certain male celebrities now and then or I think that one is "cute" sometimes, or because I was with a guy once for a very short time in my past. In the reverse situation, if a girl has a "girlcrush," would I label her bisexual? No. So I think the same applies to me. I think it can be misleading too. On a place like this (MySpace), guys can access my profile and see the word "Bi" and assume that I will be interested in them even though I'm in a relationship. Even if they respect the boundaries of my relationship (which is unfortunately very rare), they assume I could be attracted to them, which I won't. It's just not gonna happen. So why am I misrepresenting myself? I don't want to anymore.
This has been a long time coming, but I am finally ready to identify myself as a lesbian. I used to think it was all very cut and dry, e.g. you are gay if you only like the same sex, you are straight if you only like the opposite sex, and if you like both you are bisexual. Now I think it has more to do with attraction versus sex, and lifestyle versus feelings. It's all confusing to me, but with each passing day I feel like I identify less and less with the bisexual label. I'm certain in my love of women, and I'm certain that I want to be with this particular one for the rest of my life. I also know that if that doesn't work out, I will date women exclusively. With all that certainty, somehow the word "bisexual" suddenly feels very uncertain, and it seems to undermine all of these realizations I've had.
The reason I titled this "A small announcement" is because while it's a big change in terminology, it's been a gradual acceptance of the truth for me, and I'm ready to be open with that truth. I'm not looking for drama or fanfare (though congratulations are more than welcome! LOL), but rather I'm just looking for a way to define myself that makes me feel good about who I am inside, instead of continuing to hide from it even though it's staring me right in the face. I'm only 24 and I don't pretend to know everything about myself and the world, but I finally understand something about myself that has quietly haunted every aspect of my life since I was a child: My sexuality. I finally know who I am, with no ambiguity and no questions. And I am not ashamed -- I am PROUD.
I am a lesbian.
_________________
Thu Feb 02, 2006 7:34 am
Raine
Joined: 04 Feb 2006
Posts: 7
Location: Las Vegas NV USA
Way to go girl Welcome to the Family _________________ Raine
"I quake in anticipation of her touch, the ties that bind me tight and unyielding as her hold on me"
Sat Feb 04, 2006 7:20 am
LCB
Joined: 09 Sep 2005
Posts: 101
Location: England
Hi
I think I know where you're coming from. I've never actually been interested in men myslf in that way - only women. On top of that I identify as asexual too. All I would like is a non sexual relationship with another woman whom I can hold in my arms, sleep beside, kiss on thelips, marry etc. The only woman I have ever loved and ever could love is my best fiend/soulmate. We were together six previous lives and will be together 12 future lives just like my dad and my stepmother. I told her only in Sptember, 9 years after falling in love with her. i know and accept that she's straight and sexual and has a oyfriend. When I seee certain actors in certain roles on the stage I find myself attracted to their power and charisma ie. Mckellen as Iago. I occasionally think that some men occasionally look quite handsome but only in the same way that gay men think womn look beautiful or straight women think other women are eautiful. I sometimes think my dad's handsome. Yet unless I were actingin a play in which case it doesn't count, I wouldn't ever want to be with a man or kiss a man on the lips or anything becaus I myself feel like I'm in a man's role. It would just be mehanical. I remember once I had to act a bloke's girlfriend and even when I moved in for thekiss it felt completely mechaniclal. I think its only if you are strongly attracted to both men and women in real life that you can call yourself bi. Otherwise if you are mainly attracted to women I think you are a lesbian. If you think a celebrity is attractive, it might be that like me you wouldn't mind either acting a bloke or acting with a bloke for a mere half hour but no more than that. Inmy case the opposite sex has been totally alien to me all my life, Ive only ever seen a blokke as a friend or a relative, nothing more. Of course its your decision ultimately but I think you're right to say Lesbian rather than Bi. I thought I was Bi at 16 but at 17 realised I was asexual lesbian.
Tue Feb 14, 2006 6:54 pm
GayGoddess
Joined: 27 Jan 2006
Posts: 45
Location: Michigan
Thank you for the support on that, and the reiteration that if you're mostly attracted to females you can call yourself a lesbian. I thought it had to be such a totally black and white issue, and it's not. I don't ever want to be in any kind of an intimate situation with a guy ever again -- not even a quick kiss -- so I think I'm pretty safe in saying I'm a lesbian. It feels so good to say those words and admit it at long last! I give you a lot of credit for admitting that you are asexual and finding it within yourself to deal with that, among other things. There are so many differences between people's sexualities -- a rainbow of sexualities as I just wrote in one of my poems -- and we are all valid and wonderful just the way we are. Kudos to you for knowing that!! (((HUGS))) _________________
Tue Feb 14, 2006 8:34 pm
LCB
Joined: 09 Sep 2005
Posts: 101
Location: England
You're welcome
Wed Feb 15, 2006 6:05 pm
Trialia
Joined: 28 Dec 2005
Posts: 28
Location: Staffordshire, England
quote:Originally posted by GayGoddess:
Thank you for the support on that, and the reiteration that if you're mostly attracted to females you can call yourself a lesbian. I thought it had to be such a totally black and white issue, and it's not.
Not for us, maybe, but the majority of the men I know are vehement in their saying that if you like males at ALL then you have to be classified as bisexual. I think it's a guy thing.
My best friend is asexual, LCB-- have you ever visited the
AVEN
website? She's quite active there. _________________ She's out in the rain again, and the sun shines through the clouds to kiss her skin.
A droplet of the water rolls down her throat, and you swallow, hard, as you watch her.
Thu Feb 16, 2006 3:52 pm
GayGoddess
Joined: 27 Jan 2006
Posts: 45
Location: Michigan
quote:Originally posted by Trialia:
Not for us, maybe, but the majority of the men I know are vehement in their saying that if you like males at ALL then you have to be classified as bisexual. I think it's a guy thing.
They
would
say that. The thing is, the word "bisexual" clearly has the word SEXUAL in it, and if I'm not attracted to anything SEXUAL about men, then no matter how many guys I have thought were "cute" in the past, isn't it still just a lie to say I'm bi? I feel very strongly that I've always been a lesbian who wanted so badly to be straight that she settled for the label "bisexual" until she realized she couldn't lie anymore. I love women, I don't have any sexual or romantic feelings towards guys, end of story... _________________
Fri Feb 17, 2006 6:05 am
Porphyria
Joined: 19 Feb 2006
Posts: 5
I can relate to what your saying exactly. I'm younger than you but had a similar relay of events happen to myself. I am fully aware of where your coming from and I advise you to follow your heart and not the path set for you by society. _________________ .:Backseat lover - - - Musique Queen:.
Mon Feb 20, 2006 5:21 pm
BoSoxLvr79
Joined: 21 Feb 2006
Posts: 7
Location: fairbanks,ak
After reading your post, I commend you for being at ease with your decision enough to stand up and say it! You go girl! I myself am dealing with the same issues you have been dealing with, and in time, I will come to my own decision as to what to "label" myself. You have given me courage though...and made me think hard on it. Thanks again!
Kim
Tue Feb 21, 2006 7:25 am
marty
Joined: 03 Mar 2006
Posts: 2
Last week I decided to purchase vanilla ice cream at Safeway...
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Anyway here is the lengthy message that I posted on my MySpace blog, which really sums up how I feel about everything. A lot of it was copied and pasted from my original post above, but I added a ton of things... Here goes:
The thing is, the word "bisexual" clearly has the word SEXUAL in it, and if I'm not attracted to anything SEXUAL about men, then no matter how many guys I have thought were "cute" in the past, isn't it still just a lie to say I'm bi? I feel very strongly that I've always been a lesbian who wanted so badly to be straight that she settled for the label "bisexual" until she realized she couldn't lie anymore. I love women, I don't have any sexual or romantic feelings towards guys, end of story...
