Before I end up going to a psychologist, I wanted to see if any of you have gone through a similar phase and may be able to help me out a little.. My girlfriend was married when I met her and for the most part only dated men up until now. We are both in our mid thirties, and she was only married for a little over a year. Although she says she always knew she should be with women, but was just scared and didn't want to deal with the stress of being gay, there are times when I get images in my head, or think about her being with men, and it causes me to ask ridiculous questions and I allow myself to get all worked up and upset about it. I know she loves me, she treats me wonderfully, I know she has no interest in being with anyone but me and I just want to get on with enjoying her, and need to be able to not think about her past. Have any of you dealt with something similar, and how did you resolve it? Thank you.
Fri Jan 20, 2006 2:55 pm
Jules
Joined: 22 Feb 2005
Posts: 904
Location: Home
Hello Mookie!
There are several reason why someone has a hard time accepting they are gay. Their background, religious upbringing etc. I have to blame my dealing with acceptance on my family. I knew for years what I wanted, taking it on the side when I could get it. Myself, I was married before, I have children. However, I can tell you this...I will never go back to being with men. The only way I can explain it to you is, I always felt like something was missing. I don't know if it was the connection I feel with women, or the fact that sex with men is boring to me.
So, now that you are together. Stop thinking about her past. We all have a past, some a little more colorful than others, but you cannot let that get in the way of what sounds like a very nice relationship. It sounds like she loves and respects you, isn't that what really matters?
Let me ask you this...If she had been a lesbian all her life, but had a reputation of sleeping around, would that bother you as well?
Give it some thought...I hope I was able to help you...
Regards,
Jules _________________ Never again
Fri Jan 20, 2006 3:38 pm
LoriSue
Joined: 25 Jul 2005
Posts: 118
Location: Canada
Hi Mookie,
I think that sometimes when a person who has never had a heterosexual relationship (or at least very few) partners a woman who has had male partners - maybe even only recently has come out as a lesbian - there is a phenomena that happens. What you have described seems to be pretty common in this group. Call it resentment of not being a 'lifetime lesbian' or being insecure about whether the partner will be tempted to return to a heterosexual relationship, it is not an irresolveable problem.
It will take work on both of your parts - she will need patience with you and you will need to come to a realization that the only thing that is important is that at this moment she is with you. What else matters? She has tried to reassure you the best she can and, as hard as it is, if you want to have a strong relationship you have to trust that she is where she wants to be.
That's just my opinion and not professional input.
I wish you peace.
Lorisue
Fri Jan 20, 2006 10:52 pm
blissed
Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 36
Location: Wiltshire, England
Well she may be bisexual and just prefers relationships with other women.
That's the problem with having to strictly define yourself as gay or straight. a lot of peoples sexuality is more complex than that. If you find men sexually repulsive I can quite understand that because so do I. and if your a guy, thinking about some of your gfs previous bfs can sometimes be a bit irksome especially if their someone you don't like. But I think you should just focus on what you have now and that she's now in a relationship that she's much more comfortable with.
Hope it helps. _________________ As a lot of you know I'm a guy and as this is a bit of a sanctuary I don't post here much. but I like to post occasionally to show my support
quote:Originally posted by mookie:
Before I end up going to a psychologist, I wanted to see if any of you have gone through a similar phase and may be able to help me out a little.. My girlfriend was married when I met her and for the most part only dated men up until now. We are both in our mid thirties, and she was only married for a little over a year. Although she says she always knew she should be with women, but was just scared and didn't want to deal with the stress of being gay, there are times when I get images in my head, or think about her being with men, and it causes me to ask ridiculous questions and I allow myself to get all worked up and upset about it. I know she loves me, she treats me wonderfully, I know she has no interest in being with anyone but me and I just want to get on with enjoying her, and need to be able to not think about her past. Have any of you dealt with something similar, and how did you resolve it? Thank you.
Disclaimer
…the following are my thoughts and opinions…my opinions and thoughts may seem harsh and without regard to others feelings and if that is the case…to bad…I think people deserve honest opinions when they ask for them and if they are to sensitive to deal with it then they should not ask for an opinion.
If it is a phase then what is the problem...it will pass.
She was married...so what...she is not now...she is with you.
Having thoughts about your lover being with other women or with men in the past is nothing new…it is not strange. Almost everyone has those kind of thoughts whether heterosexual or homosexual…or a combination of the two.
Let me ask a few questions…
Are you jealous of her past?
Have you had other relationships in the past? How do you think she feels about those?
There are no magic pills a doctor can give you to remove the thoughts you have…only you can make them go away.
When you have those thoughts just
STOP AND THINK
about her being with you and say to yourself…”that was all in the past it doesn’t matter because she is with me now.”
You say that you know she loves you and that she treats you wonderfully…well it is time you start loving her for who she is now and start treating her as wonderfully as she treats you. Her past is her past
LEAVE IT IN THE PAST
and stop asking her ridiculous questions. If you love her and respect her as much as it appears you do then it is time you start acting like it.
Get over your insecurity and enjoy the time you have with her. If you don’t your time with her may be limited.
Most physiologists and psychiatrists will just mess you up more (note…I said most not all)
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