Hi,
I have been checking all the posts for a while and today decided to register and start "foruming". I am from a traditional, muslim country where marriages are still arranged by elderly. Being gay or bi is not considered at all. Even though my family wasnt very traditional one -- we didnt wear scarf or anything like that, we were still supposed to be virgins and get married and have kids, eventually. Imagine growing up in this environment! I always had someone who was supposedly my future husband. People would come and tell me or my mom --- that and that's son is so handsome and smart, he saw your daughter here and there and were wondering if they can come over to your house for "talking to you and see your daughter". So things went on like that since I was 16 or 17. Sometimes its difficult for parents because it is a class pressure too. For example in a country where money and name plays so much role, you are expected to say "yes" to someone's son who is either richer or more respected than you and your family. But -- I dont want get to much into it. I got out of my country, came to the US, lived as I always wanted --- not according to traditions and religion but as I wanted. However, I have never been fulfilled, I always wanted something else -- and seems like a year ago my dreams came true, i met a girl who I was so much attracted to, that I got scared. I didnt want to be what I thought I was. I would sit checking on internet and read posts and think if I am bi or lesbian. But then I couldnt take it anymore. My friend--(the girl I am talking about) asked me not to stay alone during the break, so she invited me to her house. It was the most wonderful winter break in my life. One night we got drunk and I started belly dancing for her... which ended up us laying in the couch in her mom's living room, me playing with her fingers and suddenly I told her that I am attracted to her so much. she said she knew that and at that point she sounded so "know-all" kind of person, so i got scared. i panicked for some reason and wanted to leave. but i never left, and we talked about it a lot, and of course everything ended up us having sex. that was just beautiful. i just loved it, i think i spoiled her mom's house though, she says its not anything else but memories about our first kiss, touch and love. we have been living together for a year. we love each other and want to be together. i am so much in love with her! she claims the same! although, i am not out to any of my friends and/or family. i dont even think i can ever be. its so different. in my country people are prisoned and killed for being what i am now. my gf is american and out to her family and most of her friends, sometimes i feel that because of me she is not getting something that she deserves. Especially taking into account that she is so pretty and had a couple of girlfriends before me. But what can I do about it? sorry for a long post and my english hope i didnt bored you.
Tue Jan 10, 2006 2:38 am
labyrinth
Joined: 16 Dec 2005
Posts: 1
Location: Australia
Hi Leyla,
It sounds like you've gone through a long and difficult journey to be who you are. Those of us living in countries where same-sex attraction is more or less accepted (well, by some anyway) probably can not fully understand what you've had to go through.
I was just wondering about your initial reaction to how your friend responded, like a "know-all", which made you want to leave? I guess I'm just wondering if there was a reason you mentioned this? You seem to be feeling a bit insecure in the relationship, is this the problem?
Labyrinth
Tue Jan 10, 2006 10:54 am
leyla
Joined: 09 Jan 2006
Posts: 4
I don't know even how to explain that. We had been friends for almost 4 months, at that time I always asked myself why I like her so much. Also, I used to think why she hangs out with me so much (being a girl). So, when I came out to her, she was like -- "I know, its ok" kind of attitude. Maybe I didnt expect that, maybe I thought she was going through the same thing. for sometime i kind of thought well, she knew everything and didnt tell me. i dont know even how to explain, and when she said yeah, i dated couple of girls and stuff, i felt kind of wierd. anyways, no -- i am not insecure about her. maybe in the beginning i was insecure about myself.
Tue Jan 10, 2006 3:01 pm
sashka
Joined: 10 Jan 2006
Posts: 12
just be patient with yourself, i know it must be hard for you. I'm sure your girlfriend will be patient and understanding as you work through all these changes. it sounds like you are very happy, so just live life and enjoy it, the rest will fall into place. _________________ When love beckons to you, follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
Kahlil Gibran
Wed Jan 11, 2006 12:12 am
RedViolin1
Joined: 29 Sep 2005
Posts: 86
Location: Michigan
Leyla be strong in yourself, make sure you have interests and friends outside of your girlfriend so you can be self reliant.
You sound very strong and mature to leave your home country behind to make a new life for yourself. I have some experience in this area, and dont think your family would ever be accepting of your love, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't mean the world to you. And it doesn't mean that you are lying or betraying your culture or your parents. It just sometimes means that reality is what reality is. you work with what you have. if you know that reveiling things will hurt them (or yourself) then you dont reveil them. You protect yourself and you continue to talk to your g/f about your feelings and your love. If she is mature she will understand this. If she is not muslim, be sure to share your background with her all the time. tell her the stories of your life so she understands where you come from and who you are. pray if that helps, and you make up your own mind about your own life. I admire you, and wish you the best. _________________ i am ceaslessly amazing... at times! fun loving, passionate, perfectly imperfect human being.
Some say the glass is half full, some say it's half empty. I drink whats left and ask for a refill!
Sun Jan 15, 2006 7:22 am
nighteyes_fog
Joined: 16 Jan 2006
Posts: 7
Location: Farside Westside
I am so happy for you, Leyla. It is wonderful that you have found love in the form you want! Best wishes!
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hope i didnt bored you.
