Joined: 06 Jan 2006
Posts: 5
Location: melbourne, australia
new and confused
hi all, my names april and it's my fist visit to this forum, i'm from melbourne australia and i'm 24y.o.
i've always been attracted to women but because of my stupid issues with wanting a 'traditional' settle down, get married have kids kind of life, i've never had a relationship with a women. i've only slept with a few women (admittedly drunk coz i couldn't build up the courage sober) and i've had two serious relationships with men, i'm not attracted to them physically, i enjoy the sex for about six months then i grow unhappier and unhappier until i have to leave because i cry myself to sleep every night. my last relationship was for four years, he was more of a companion than anything for three of those, and now i'm in the same position again after two and a half years, i'm becoming miserable, haven't had a sex drive for at least a year and start believing i'm in love with my friend (female) even though she's 'kind of' straight and i now it could never work.
i don't know for sure if i'm gay or just experimental, i'm scared of throwing away my relationship incase i'm wrong, and i can't let go of my traditional "close minded values of a 'nuclear family'
has anyone else been in my position? where do i go from here?
Fri Jan 06, 2006 11:58 am
Tracey
Joined: 30 Dec 2005
Posts: 1489
Location: Ayr, Scotland
hi aprilleigh
first welcome to MELSWEBS! i've only been here a few days and they are so welcoming and friendly here
secondly i understand how you feel
i've always been attracted to women and only in the last few months have experimented and realised that it felt right!
like you i followed the traditional way! had a few relationships with men and hated the sex part
i got married 2 and a half years ago! mainly cause i thought that was what everyone wanted of me!
during my marriage i have realised more and more that i dont love my hubby and i would rather be with a woman
it's taken a lot of soul searching to find out what i want! but glad i've done it
now it's just finding the right woman for me! whilst i plan to leave my hubby as soon as i find somewhere to live!!
take care
Traceyxxx _________________ I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
sometimes i wonder... ' why is that frisbee getting bigger'... and then it hits me
Fri Jan 06, 2006 12:25 pm
aprilleigh
Joined: 06 Jan 2006
Posts: 5
Location: melbourne, australia
wow! leaving your husband???? that must be hard, i'm wondering how i cope if i leave my man, everythings in his name, our bank accounts, my salary goes into his account, i have access to all his credit cards, all the furniture in the apartment, the rent???? who leaves? me or him, we have a house mate who's one of my friend so i guess i'll stay but then we have to find someone to share and.....oh... i don't know where to start, worst part is,, i love his family. he has two kids from his past marriage and i couldn't bare to not see then grow up and his mum really understands how much of a pain in the ass he is. there's a lot of things holding me back but i think they're just excuses because i'm really scared of the unknown, how do you feel if you go out and put everything on the line only to find out it's not what you want.... i'm fairly fragile at the moment, it's kind of why i tracked down this forum to get the views on women who have been there and done that, i just hope i can figure out some answers. do you have children? will that affect you leaving?
Fri Jan 06, 2006 12:43 pm
chordphrute
Joined: 04 Jul 2005
Posts: 1412
Location: Nouvelle Orléans, Louisiane
:)
welcome
...make your own tradition instead of worrying about societal standards. You can 'settle down', get married, have kids, the white picket fence, and a dog or two...all with a woman. You can even have stock options! lol...but seriously, it seems like a lot of your worries are with societal standards here. My only suggestion is to walk into a womens' bar...sober, don't drink...flirt with a few ladies, get to know a few. Sleep with one sober (not that I'm condoning casual sexual encounters) - then you'll have a better grasp of your lesbian-ism..
Speaking of which...when I first came out, now that I look back, I was totally confused. I sought out older lesbian women to comfort me and 'show me the ropes' and I learned a lot. Before then, I didn't know what I was...I shaved my head, bought some birkenstocks, listened to Melissa Etheridge, and became a vegetarian - literally. Then - not sure what happened, but I realized that its all a perception. Don't let the 'ism' of lesbianism define who you are. You are 'april leigh' and I'm assuming you have an identity far out of the reaches of your sexuality. Don't let it surround and consume you.
you can handle you..and your new identity if you choose to flow with it. Don't let tradition define you. Make your own..and take my advice with a grain of salt, of course...you're the only one who can make up your own mind If you wanna chat, my IM is
'I IV V I Fr6 V I'. _________________ "You can't kiss and keep your eyes open, they'll cross forever" - Rubyfruit Jungle
Fri Jan 06, 2006 7:30 pm
RunninAway
Joined: 14 Oct 2004
Posts: 159
Location: Midwest United States
Couldn't help but respond to a few of your comments, so here goes:
"i'm in the same position again after two and a half years, i'm becoming miserable"
Obviously you've been down this road before, surprised we haven't run into each other! It took me five years with the first husband, two years with the second to gather the courage to leave, but knew long before that in both cases that it just wasn't working for me. Why did I stay? Lot's of the same reasons I bet you are, the "dream", social normality, fear of being alone, etc.
The first one I just left, no one waiting in the wings, no thoughts of finding anyone, just had to get out, better to be somewhat happy alone than miserable together. The second, well what happened during/after the second one is what brought me here. I didn't leave him for her, I left him because he was killing me inside, and I couldn't let my little one grow up like that. But after I left him I hooked up with my current girlfriend.
Is it a lesbian fantasy come true, the cure to all my ills, the destroyer of all evil, not in the least, we have issues. But I will say this, even with those issues, I have never felt more loved or cared for in any relationship, there is nothing more fulfilling than the love of a woman, physically or emotionally. So if you are "experimenting" or if you decide to take it further, just allow to happen what will happen, it's scary as hell, but well worth the ride.
" i'm scared of throwing away my relationship incase i'm wrong"
Is the relationship you are in all that and a bag of chips too? You said you are miserable, regardless of if you are right/wrong about wanting to be with women, you are miserable now. Don't be afraid to be happy, at least give yourself a shot.
And stick around here, ask questions, talk to the ladies, there is no better group on this earth than the bunch here. Saved my sanity a time or twenty... _________________ I need some insanity of that temporary kind.....
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