This was posted by a minor to which I had to take down... but I am posting it for her so that if any of you can offer encouragement or advice you can do so in response.
*****
Hi......bye
I know after i post this, i will be banned but i really need some advice. You guys can call me Truth. I'm not 18 and im sure I'm not the only person underage in her....but let me get to the point.
I just really need guidence and there seems to be nobody to talk to, not even my girl. I go to a private school where most of the kids who go there are wealthy and most of them dress the same, kind of preppy. At our school we have a dresscode. I'm a stud, so i dress the way i dress but a lot of times teachers comment on how i dress, so do the guys. When i used to dress in tight jeans and whatnot they were all in my face and stuff but i really don't like guys commenting on how i look. It's annoying but the teachers say it's not right for a girl to dress like a boy. My school is aganist homosexuality...For prom a friend of mine wanted to bring a girl but they didn't think it was right for "a girl to bring a girl" or "a guy to bring a guy." Rolling Eyes ANyway I hate when people stare at me the way they do, it's annoying. People think im a snob because i only talk to a few people that i think are cool. Everybody found out i was a lesbian last year because i was going with this girl and she told all her friends. Plus the majority of the girls basketball team came out, so they figured i was a homo from that. THe school i go to is a college prep school and it's good for my future but fukk that, i'm tired. They say that if i stay there then i am more then likely to get into any college of my choice. I want to go back to public school with more people like me, but then i know if i move back to my hometown i might not do so hot in school. Plus there are a lot more girls there and i don't want to cheat on my gurl. If i move back to my hometown i will have to live with my mother and she is very judgmental at times. She goes to church a lot...actually i basically grew up in the church kinda...hmm..I try to stay close to god tho...i mean doesn't god love anybody...is it my fault i like girls?...i just don't like going to go to church because of the people who attend...anyway....My mother doesn't really approve of me liking girls but she is coming around (i don't live with her). I told her i was confused when i was 14 but now im 16 and im 100% sure im a lesbian. Sometimes to make her happy when i go visit her I go out with one of my guy friends, to satisfy her. Everybody thinks it's strange i am a lesbian because i used to be so boy-crazy and they think it's a phase but it's not. My aunt told me that im too young to know if im gay but i've been through a lot of stuff that she doesn't know about. Rolling Eyes Sometimes i wonder it there is something wrong with me. My bestfriend used to go to my school (she was a stud also) but she decided to play basketball at another school so now i feel alone. Not to mention my girlfriend & i don't live in the same state. I cheated on my girlfriend before but she still stayed with me. She once told me that i was the reason she smokes weed (i hate that)....I stress her out that much....she used to drink instead but she switched it up. I drink a lot now. We've been together ever since i was 14 (she was the first girl I was with). My baby used to call me everyday and we'd talk for hours because we have a few states between us i don't see her that often. Now she doesn't call as much, she calls me every sometimes and we only talk for about 5 mins. because she is always busy doing something. I think she might be cheating on me. I tried to break up with her a few days ago but she started crying, became emotional and kept saying she didn't want to let me go and that she needs me right now. I don't understand because i never talk to her. I think she is with someone else but she says she is not. Hopefully i will see her this month i don't know. With the stress of school and the stress of family looking at me different i just can't take it anymore. I wish i could talk to my girl about this but i have to much pride and i don't want her to think im weak or something... Sometimes i just cry myself to sleep because im hurtin so much. I think lyfe would be better if i was gone and I just wanna die. I told my Gf that once before but she just said "usually people who sat that, never do it" But i wanna prove it to her that i will. I don't think she will miss me if i do. I really don't care about anything anymore....I only care about one person and that's my girl but other then that i'm like fukk everybody else. I know im going to get banned but you guys are older and i need some kind of guidence. When i ask my bestfriend about it, she just says "I know, i'm going through the samething." (struggling with her identity). I always stop and think "is what im going wrong?" Society tells me im not supposed to be this way, im not supposed to dress this way. I have this friend of mine, who i've been very close with for years. He's a nice guy but he told me he was in love with me and he doesn't believe im a lesbian...so when he calls me i don't pick up, i avoid him because i don't want to hurt him. Im just really stuck, i feel trapped.
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Thu Dec 15, 2005 2:42 pm
Cavewoman
Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 2056
Location: nearby
I'm thinking young one... because some of what you say, i can remember from my own teen years. But i want to say what i feel i can say clearly. So please be patient. I need to think this thru. Meanwhile, stay with us... i know you are hurting right now... but your proposed solution (dying) is not the way. .... Hang in there. ... I just want some time to think this through. _________________ " The sorcerers in life are created within each of us" --- Lynn V. Andrews
Fri Dec 16, 2005 3:52 am
Cavewoman
Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 2056
Location: nearby
Alright, I'm gonna try to do this. First off, since you've been so informative, I'm 51 now, I've been in a marriage/monogamous relationship with the same lady for nearly 20 years (we both had engaged many relationships prior... lesbian). I came out officially shortly after highschool but had very clear sexual tendencies and thoughts at your age. I also attended private schools where many other students came from much wealthier families than mine. Fortunately, they were all female settings in which i was provided the opportunity to grow very comfortable with myself. Still, as you well point out, there was a peer faction who for whatever reason found my thoughts and presentation disagreeable and made their opinions clearly known. (I was copping my younger brother's ties in 5th grade to wear with my blazer and button down. Because it had never been specified that a girl could not wear a tie, i was permitted to continue. As i've said in here before, my dad smiled, my mother s*)
What "they" are saying with regards to "better" college opportunities is true, its indicative of how money networks itself. Tho it does not necessarily mean that you can't make your own way in another setting. That all depends on your strengths as a human being and your self willed drive to succeed. What i CAN tell you is that in most college settings, and even non-college settings (post h.s. working public, tech school, etc.) you will find many lesbians, we ARE everywhere... yes, in certain regions of this country, you will find more of us than in other settings, but we are out here... and literally, all over the place with regard to profession and interests.
What did I do? I stuck it out, knocked off the ties, but maintained the tie on oxfords, blazer, button downs, butchier mannerisms and hairdo and hung with my friends. Then went to a private woman's college.... and oh lady, was that an eye opener. I don't think it really matters where you go to h.s., peer pressure is the going rule, its actually part of a physiological process having to do with development of nerve patterns in the brain. Some get there faster than others. Females always get there faster than males - that's not a sociological statement, its a physiological fact... has to do with hormones. ... but at some point in the very near future, you need to begin seriously overlooking that...and get on with your own best thought plans. The future is a very real entity and its coming faster than you realize. Believe it or not, in just a year or so, you're gonna look back on this and begin to sound like me.
I'm not certain what a stud is but i'm assuming it means something akin to a jock, a butch, a more masculine presentation. And may i also add, i really don't think that matters much. Just as there are millions of different strait folks on this planet, there are also many million lesbians and we're all different. Personally, i'm a big mix, depends on my mood...and again, to be forthright, at your age, i was mostly butch - flannel plaids, blue jeans and boots only... with age i have mellowed some... with Phyllis I have mellowed much.
I'm scrolling back and forth here trying to answer everything you have brought up.
Church - again, as a community, lesbians are all over the map. I can only speak for myself. After many years of personal struggle, I have come to the realization that I am spiritual and do believe that a higher power had a hand in my creation and i am as i was meant to be. But religion is always a personal struggle. By the way, hypocrites exist on every issue, not just sexuality.
Next you bring up parents - it sounds as tho you are loved, and your mom is trying to let you discover who you are - this is just as difficult for her as it is for you. Sounds odd, but its true. I'm not a mother, but have had many long conversations with my family members over the years and fortunately for me, everything has come full circle; my learning experience and acceptance of myself and this world, has also become a part of their maturation. Phyllis and I are a lifelong couple in their eyes, and our togetherness, our love, our sexuality is not questioned, not ridiculed. Its very refreshing to talk with our neices and nephews and realize, we are loved and looked upon as any other "elder" couple of the family. But, pause... none of that happened overnight. My family has dealt with me since I was born, for some odd reason, I was always very capable of spitting out the brutal truth... tact, as some say, has never been one of my strengths... but I knew me, knew how I felt, what I thought... and even tho it was/is different, I loved them, and they love me. We have made it through the struggle of me becoming me.
It took me a long time to get to this point, many heartaches, a lot of confusion, some stupid choices with regards to drugs/alcohol, and yes... as you well point out... several phases of wanting to just chuck it all in the river; give up; exhaustion; disbelief. But I finally came to the realization that I was given this life to do something, and if that means nothing more than live it honestly with kindness and compassion... then that is what it means. I can only be who I am. I can always strive to be a better person. But to address sexuality, I am who I am, to deny that is to deny myself and that is NOT why I was given the gift of life.
Now... girlfriends, dear lady... well, we are a barrel of apples ! AND we are women ! makes it even more interesting doesn't it? What on earth am I talking about? Well, you're a young lady, and just look at how many topics you presented in such a short time... we ALL do that. You're gonna have to rely on communication skills and your own good wits to muddle through this sea of ladies.
My bottom line here? Believe in yourself, be gentle with yourself... and I'm becoming famous for this one... BREATHE... There is a whole lot of living in front of you and while I understand it might not seem that way right this second, it is true. At some point in time you just have to believe. Set your goals with regards to what you want to be doing with your life in the next five years... leave out girlfriends (EVERYBODY wants the love of their life to arrive NOW)... what do you want to be doing with your life? helping kids? playing pro ball? getting a master's degree? what? these are the questions which can help get you through some of your current predicament.
Ah... the young male freind... well, you must be a stud. He's not willing to give up hope. It seems to be indicative of males...heck, I shouldn't just pin it on them, there seems to be a whole faction of society who simply doesn't want to believe the truth. What can I say? Love him as a friend. Be who you are.
Trapped!?... yes... but that has nothing to do with being a lesbian. It has a great deal to do with your maturing process. Its hard for us "old folks" to just haul off and let go; we want to make sure your flying muscles are very well exercised.. why? because we know, that when you jump out of the nest, you have a long flight in front of you. Bear with us. You are not trapped, but you are definitely gaining strength in those flying muscles.
Your girlfriend and f* everything else? Well, tho i can understand how you feel --- isolated, stick out like sore thumb, and lonely --- proving you can die proves nothing. Proving you can live, overcome obstacles, devise a plan, suceed in unpredictable/uncomfortable environs, achieve goals.... now those things prove something. They prove you are worth your salt.
You are maturing, you are becoming a full blown adult female. Your brain and hormones are reaching for the stars. Reach high and don't give up the faith ... give yourself a chance to live... answering these questions you have posed is the process of becoming more of who you are meant to be. Its not comfortable, i realize... but it is true... and we've all done it. So can you. Good luck young lady. I look forward to meeting you some day in here. And please, don't give up the good fight. _________________ " The sorcerers in life are created within each of us" --- Lynn V. Andrews
Fri Dec 16, 2005 12:20 pm
DanceofSorrows
Joined: 29 Aug 2004
Posts: 2837
I have not replied right away because I feel so much in this post and it is hard to bring it all together.
Whatever you are going through please remember that it is in passing, and with it the choices you make are lasting, more lasting than the experience itself. You are allowed to feel the way you do. You are allowed to express without judgement. You are allowed to make mistakes. You are allowed to define or not define yourself and the world so readily.
You matter. And at times words like this probably feel empty coming from another whom doesn't know you. But I have been a part of humanity as well and know that coming into ourselves, whatever that may be, takes time and is never ending until death. Our possibilities within ourselves and within this world exists whether we choose to see it or not. Please remember, the more real you are as with your feelings expressed in this post, the more likely you are to find another just as genuine to relate to. And you will find such prized moments in that...it is what it is all about. We are not alone by far, we just need to allow trust to happen.
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