Joined: 17 Sep 2005
Posts: 3
Location: USA - Land of the free because of the brave!
What to do about the family.
Hello everyone! I'm new here and am currently in a pretty tricky situation.
I am an 18 year old lesbian (I know, I'm young!) and have been more or less out for about three years now. Only a few people know about me - old friends from high school that I no longer speak to and both of my parents who are in denial about it. But other than that, no one else knows. I have three siblings and am absolutely terrified of them discovering the truth. I also have aunts and cousins who I vist quite often and this is where my little problem comes in.
When I visit them, somehow the topic of me dating almost always seems to come up. They are constantly asking me if I have a boyfriend, why I don't have a boyfriend, and they recently suggested that I try to get involved with this guy I know. I just kept making up excuses... "Oh, I don't like him like that..." you know, that entire deal. But I badly want to tell them the real reason for it. My one cousin is extremely obnoxious and immature and likes to brag about guys that she has had sex with. And every single time I go out to their house, she will start asking me if I ever had sex with a boy and she just keeps on pushing the subject and she will go as far as to bring it up in front of my aunt and other cousins and get them started on me! I can't even believe her. She will say to them, "Yeah, she won't tell me what guy she had sex with..." "Ask her if she had sex with a guy!" It is so humiliating and I can't stand it when she gets like that. I just want to yell at her, to yell at them all, "I'M GAY! I DON'T LIKE GUYS!" But I am too afraid. I really feel like I am hiding a major part of who I am, especially when they talk about me dating. They say some pretty cruel things about gay people - lesbians in particular, and it really upsets me. They have absolutely no idea. They say that kind of stuff around my mother and I get embarassed because she knows about me (she does not accept it and didn't even believe me when I told her I was a lesbian) and I can only imagine what she is thinking when they ask me if I have a boyfriend and when they start poking fun at homosexuality.
I just feel like I'm not being true to myself. I know they will find out eventually. What about when I get married? I plan on moving far away, but if and when I have to come back home for some family thing, I will definitely want to bring my wife and I sure as hell don't want to say that she is my "friend" or something lame like that. I will want to introduce her as my wife and show her off, but I know they are going to say horrible things about me and act weird around me.
I can't take it anymore. I want to come out to them but I don't know if I should. If I do, things will get awkward and they will probably make fun of me, but it would feel better to be honest about who I really am.
What do you girls think? I could really use some advice!
Sat Sep 17, 2005 9:10 pm
Cavewoman
Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 2056
Location: nearby
Things will get awkard?
Aren't they already awkward? I'm not a guru, but you seem very sure of yourself and you also seem to have figured out how to hold your ground, keep the peace while not verbally responding.
I don't know all the particulars of your situation but read enough to understand that you seem very sure of yourself... Cudos to you.... Unfortunately, I have no step by step advice.... your plan seems to be to get out of town and lead your own life... I agree that is a good idea under any circumstance. Why are you worrying about bring the "future lady" home now? Why not just get yourself safely out of town and put a little space between what you want and what you have.... Time and space work wonders. While it may sound silly, it is true.....
As to your cousin, etc. bring stuff up ...... well, unacceptance and immaturity can be very painful to cope with.... you already know that so i'm not saying anything new...
New? Hang in there until you must... But move on when you can. Don't give up the faith in yourself. You seem to be strong in your thoughts. Don't let the sticks and stones get ya down. Like you said, you're 18... there's a huge world out here and waitin for ya..... I never recommend creating a brawl and from what you described it could be that if you respond to the punched buttons...
Hang in there. Make choices about where and when to go as intelligently as you have decided to hold your tongue.... We're here. We're queer and that's normal in my book. You do not have to go toe-to-toe to be who you already know you are... just get on with the living....
Lame? I'm sorry. I left town and moved on way back when. Years later when i returned, I was welcomed. Its an experience in history for me now, for you its current. Keep your chin high and walk boldly forward --- don't waste time getting to the next plateau of who you are by "fighting" an ignorant sideline..... Time goes by, we all learn, we all change, including the very folks who choose to try to harm you as of now.
You are young. Therefore the entire world awaits. And its a big one lady.... full of hugs and kisses... stay smart and keep thinking... don't let anybody goad you into something you don't want like an unnecessary argument.
My mom didn't like my announcement either, but after some years, she got beyond her anger.......
Sorry there's no more detail here.... Good luck and keep believing... Come back to Mel's, its a safe place with a lot of very compassionate, caring women....
Sun Sep 18, 2005 7:08 am
BellsForHer
Joined: 17 Sep 2005
Posts: 3
Location: USA - Land of the free because of the brave!
Thank you so much,
Cavewoman
. You are very wise.
Also, thank you for the compliments. Yes, I am very sure of myself, but it took a long time to get where I am today which I consider a pretty big accomplishment seeing how young I am.
You are definitely right about me keeping my mouth shut. I guess that really is a good idea. Why say something that will cause an uproar when I am getting ready to step out into this wide world? I suppose keeping quiet is my best bet as of now. After all, I still have years ahead of me.
So I will just sit back and let my ridiculous cousin act like a child. She can say what she wants, but at least I'll come out (no pun intended) as the more mature one.
As for me talking about a future wife... I can't help it! I may be jumping the gun, but I am a typical girl who has imagined her wedding day for years and am very excited to find Ms. Right. I tend to think way ahead of myself, and I am not sure if that is a curse or a gift. I have always felt much older than I really am, so maybe that is why I look down on people like my cousin who behave in such a way.
I cannot wait to go into the world and live on my own. I have already started a new chapter in my life and can't wait to start even more.
Once again, thank you so much for your advice. I really needed it.
Sun Sep 18, 2005 9:36 pm
Cavewoman
Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 2056
Location: nearby
Looking Down
Making goals is important. Establishing a realistic timeline is important.
I don't know that developing the habit of looking down on your cousin or other acquaintances, family members is a good idea........ how about just looking sideways?
My point? They seem to already have claimed ground upon which they feel safe to be antagonizing; why add fuel to the fire by establishing the impression that they must also look up?
If the day does arrive when (hopefully) they will have become more open minded, more humanly enriched, more accepting, more inclined to discuss and learn vs. point fingers....... the last thing i believe you will find yourself comfortable with is having behaved in a "superior than thou" manner. (Isn't that also part of the behavior they currently display?... Something you wish to emulate?)
Granted..... they might deserve it, they may have even have earned such a reproach... but will "looking down" upon them really help to open any doors of possible communication, then or now? Will it help seduce them into an adult arena where learning and sharing are productive? Maybe they'll never reach that point, but i don't believe that YOU establishing such a defensive front would be beneficial; for you or them.
I am not approving of their behavior or their approach toward you or anything else .... Nor, can I wholeheartedly approve, recommend or endorse a behavior which could in the end be harmful to yourself.
Just keep your nose pointed forward, enrich your mind, pardon their ignorance, work toward achieving those goals and continue living your life........ glance sideways if you must.
Just a suggestion.... Now, get on with the living ! and loving ! If nothing else, think of it this way, every move/utterance you make is obviously being observed...... show them how humans are supposed to behave toward each other through your own actions and words.... But, please get on with living your life, don't get bogged down in the mire of small thinking and small acting...
I repeat, you seem to have figured out an awful lot about yourself at such a young age........ keep going!
Mon Sep 19, 2005 4:35 am
allein
Joined: 25 Sep 2005
Posts: 18
Location: USA
in agreeance...
I totally agree with cavewoman- sounds like you might just need to get away and move on. While you're worrying about the crappiness of your situation, you're wasting precious time that you could be enjoying. I know what you mean with the parents in denial part- mine still are. But think of it this way: it took you a long time to accept who you are, so it'll probably take them and anybody else a long time as well... Everyone needs to be comforted and feel like they belong somewhere, and it's difficult when you cant get that satisfaction from your family. That's when you have to make the decision to start something of your own- with your loving girlfriend. _________________ I took down all of the pictures of you, then realized that they were the only left signifying your existence...
Fri Sep 30, 2005 4:28 am
Linda Bray
Joined: 22 Aug 2004
Posts: 4052
Bells,
I was born and raised in the south...Texas to be exact...and came from a strict Southern Baptist upbringing. I always knew I had feelings for girls/women. I fought it all my life as well as religious issues to boot! I did what I thought I was supposed to do...I fought it...tried to change who I was...I got married had kids..two to be exact...then when I was 26...I could not take it anymore. I was tired of the lies...the energy I was spending trying to be someone I wasn't. I began coming out slowly...to a couple of close friends first..then family members. There were a few who were shocked...but low and behold most already knew..and in my apprehesion they told me they had been waiting for me to realize it for myself. i also come from a large family...6 kids..and 4 stepchildren...10 of us! My parents were the hardest...little by little I did it...and it was not easy..but it is so much easier being myself...and time has passed and most except me as I am. My Dad still has a hard time...he doesnt accept it but he respects my decision and is trying. We all have out COMING OUT process...take your time...babysteps...and little by little just be who you are. I wish you the best of everything life has to offer.
Peace,
Linda _________________ a poets heart is never empty....
Linda Bray
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