My latest bitch which actually has me highly pisssed involves other people's perceptions and their inability to see beyond the tip of their own nose.
Ok, it's not the first time this has happened to me since moving to okc and dating my gf but it's started to get under my skin: I'm almost used to ppl asking which one of us is the femme because we are both butch and that confuses alot of ppl. What started to annoy me was this question coming from the gay community. I always assumed (assuming, shame on me) that the gay community was more enlightened on this issue about role play and gender expression. Apparently not. Apparently even members of the community have to be able to fit things into a mold to be able to understand them. But being asked the question isn't what really pisses me off, it's those ppl who, after listening to what I have to say, or before I can even say anything, answer the question for themselves and label me the femme. Back in a day I used to joke with my gf that she out-butches me because she falls into the stereotype of being muscle-bound and obsessed with cars. But the problem seems to be that others around here seem to actually see that as reality and they see me cleaning house (only part, she does her share as well) and doing the laundry, and helping to watch her kids when she works and want to paint me as the little wifey poo. They overlook the fact that she and I dress the same and have similar very short hair cuts, neither of us wears make-up or any item of clothing purchased on the women's side of the store. My gf tells me that I'm not aggressive enough in general and she is and therefore she is seen as the tougher of us, therefore, butch. Apparently being butch means scratching my balls and kicking someone's ass...all the while with my hands covered in grime from the car. What's worse for me is that sometimes the gf makes jokes about me being her femme and thinks I should be more submissive to her will.
What everyone doesn't seem to understand is that you can be a butch without wanting or needing to be an aggressive asshole. And I suppose you can be a femme and an aggressive asshole, if that's what you want to be. Why should I have to qualify myself everytime I leave the house? I've tried telling myself the hell with them, let them think what they are going to think, but I can't let this go. I just want people to get their head out of their ass and realize that the world isn't one or the other. That how you see a person isn't necessarily how they are and what you think of them doesn't make them what you think they should be. And the gay community has to start practicing what it preaches and not trying to pigeon-hole everyone into heterogenous dichtonimies which fit their own agenda.
Tue Jun 28, 2005 9:40 pm
Radioactive
Joined: 07 Apr 2005
Posts: 158
Location: Under the Rainbow in NC
AMEN hon!!!!
We can just be ourselves, and love whomever we are attracted to. Why does everyone think we must fit into the "hubby/wife" mold???
I've dated what others would consider femme, and I've dated butch women...however, many consider me androgoneous (sp?). Depending on my mood, I fit into either stereotype..long hair, short hair..make up, ball cap...I'm me, and I love my woman just for being her. Does it really matter whose the top?? And why the H*ll does a stereotypical femme have to bend to a masculine will??? even if that be the "more butch/aggressive" in a relationship...funny, I thought the lesbian community were all for women's rights, and many are feminists? Isn't that hypocritical, or is it just me? Just putting my 2 cents in...and I liked the gripe. *grin* _________________ Wanna make ya Glow....
Tue Jun 28, 2005 11:01 pm
Phoenix Moderators
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 1664
Location: Tallahassee Florida
Excellent topic Irish.... Well i think i see several issues here.
1. role playing.. who is who and what does that mean?
2. Power playing... i'm the butch so i take the lead....
3. People want to label so they understand and the universe is right again.
Just enjoy being who you are, and don't let anyone bend you to their will by being more butch or labelling you.
brat _________________ "A little work won't hurt you bad, but just in case I'm wrong, you'll be smiling when they pronounce you dead." Amanda Marshall 'This could take all night
Tue Jun 28, 2005 11:21 pm
ladiestouch
Joined: 14 Jun 2005
Posts: 5
Location: upstate n.y.
Re: butch or femme? that's not for "them" to say
hi,
i truly understand your story, and also understand your frustrations. but guess what, because you would normally "expect" people in the lesbian/gay communtiy to know better. most of them probably "do not".
a little story: some years ago i went into a recovery program. as you know, or maybe not, people in recovery are required to go to these meetings where they "clean out their dirty laundry" cry, talk about very personal and private issues. you would think that because they have been through so much BS in their lives that they should understand. but you know what usually happens instead, not only do they talk about other peoples business but they lie and judge, and all kinds of things. most people would think that as a part of the recovery community that they would have that certain respect. but they don't.
damn girl i took the long way to say this........ people are going to be people, ignorant or otherwise. most f/f relationships are following the steriotype of butch/femme. i would say to you that it is not really important what anyone thinks as long as you and your lady are happy. think of how you would handle prejudice neighbors.(maybe not so critical) but something along that line. and the other thing is.... maybe you are more femme than you want to be or choose to admit to your self. (just food for thought)
also try to pick friends that you and your lady are comfortable with. if you are judged maybe they are not the right friends _________________ BEING PATIENT IS A B@^*H BUT IT IS DEFINATLY WORTH IT IN THE END..........?!
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