Joined: 04 Aug 2004
Posts: 18
Location: United States
Going in circles
Ok things have not been going so well, with my girlfriend. I am getting to the point of no return. I made the suggestion to sit down and talk, no finger pointing. There are several issues, money, and sex. She feels like this is an ultimatum, a challenge. I asked if we could schedule a time for this talk, I got you can't plan for that, why not? Since I brought this up, she has emotionally withdrawn, and I'm getting more upset. Can this marriage be saved? Lainy _________________ live,love and laugh often!
Wed Aug 17, 2005 9:11 pm
Phoenix Moderators
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 1664
Location: Tallahassee Florida
Umm lainy doesnt it feel as if she is pushing you into a corner to leave? I am not saying this is the case, but if you simply asked in a non threatening way to talk to work on some issues you are having, and she shot you down thus disregarding your feelings then she is saying "Now what cha gonna do? Hmmm"
Some people want to the break up person and some people want to be the one broken up with to look like the victim. Is she spending time with someone else or gone a lot? Does she have a hobby she doesn't want you included in? I have a "g/f" who got irrate one night when i wanted to go to the softball game with my kids. I didn't know she was going to be there, but she happened to keep books for one of the teams. She blew a gasket. Guess what? She had the hots for one of the players and they are not dating.
Something is not adding up here. There is also the fact that she may feel very uncomfortable and feel it will be a finger pointing session. Why do that she may be saying? You have got to let her know this is a make or break situation and if she is unwilling to talk it may very well spell the end of you too.
Good luck,
brat _________________ "A little work won't hurt you bad, but just in case I'm wrong, you'll be smiling when they pronounce you dead." Amanda Marshall 'This could take all night
Wed Aug 17, 2005 9:51 pm
lainy
Joined: 04 Aug 2004
Posts: 18
Location: United States
Talk
Thanks brat, I never even gave that a thought. We did have our talk. It ended up being a blame session. We both feel like we can't do anything right. This is so crazy, when all I want is to have a close emotional bond. I know there are other couples here, how do you live together? How do you handle money? One of our biggest problems is around money, I give her money each month, but I have nothing to do with paying household bills. I have to ask her for her debit card to do the grocey shopping. I live in her house, but it doesn't feel like my home, our home. How do other couples do this? I don't work outside of the home, but I do the cleaning, cooking, laundry, my best friend tells me I shouldn't even have to give my girlfriend money, because I already contribute enough. My girlfriend tells me I don't tell her what I need, but when I try, she turns everything around and it becomes about her. How I make her feel, not good, how she is trying. It all becomes so frustrating! Lainy _________________ live,love and laugh often!
Thu Aug 18, 2005 1:04 pm
chordphrute
Joined: 04 Jul 2005
Posts: 1412
Location: Nouvelle Orléans, Louisiane
hey lainy - sorry you're having so much trouble. My girlfriend and I have lived together for almost six years and aside from the sex, things are fabulous. I mean - in my opinion, we've got a really good system going as far as finances are concerned. We have a joint checking and savings account. She takes care of the rent and the utilties plus our blockbuster online acct and her credit cards...my income from both jobs is direct-deposited into the account so it's really easy for her to have access and plus money doesn't get brought up often because she doesn't have to say to me 'The internet bill is due' etc... every month. We each have 1 credit card in our name. I take care of my own, but that's pretty much it. In return for her handling all the stressful paperwork most of the time, I'm pretty much the dishes and laundry guru of the house...BUT we ALWAYS keep eachother informed of everything we do. In this way - we both get a debit card for the same acct and access to the ATM. It's a lot less stressful for both of us because we were in your situation for a while as well. _________________ "You can't kiss and keep your eyes open, they'll cross forever" - Rubyfruit Jungle
Sat Aug 20, 2005 5:30 pm
Renee
Joined: 05 Jul 2005
Posts: 88
lainy,
this is very complicated. Are you not working outside of the house because you both have mutually agreed that you should stay at home and take care of the home front, or is it for other reasons? Does your G.F. want you to find an outside job and contribute more financially to the household? It could be that she is feeling too much the burden of supporting you both, and thus, the sex has gone away? Sorry, but I am new to this forum and do not know your situation at all...of course, your relationship can be saved if you are both willing to talk. Have you considered couples counseling?
Good luck...
Tue Aug 23, 2005 4:01 pm
NIC
Joined: 15 Aug 2005
Posts: 141
Location: Brooklyn NY
Hey lainy,
I 'm so sorry my darlin if your heart hurts................. but I just don't get
why women in general stay in relationships that they put all the effort into alone! WHY do women do this ?
If your lady is not responding after your second try then it's time to walk!
Nothing worse then hanging around when you aint gettin what you need!
Where are YOU in all this Lainy? Huh? what about what Lainy wants?
I do understand that relationships need work "they all do" but if your the only
one willin to do the work then I hate to say it but ......................move on!
Aint nobody worth givin and givin and givin all the while gettin shit back! _________________
"For those who understand you,No explanation is necessary, for those who don't,none is possible."
Wed Aug 31, 2005 5:43 pm
Cavewoman
Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 2056
Location: nearby
Phyllis and I have been together for 19 years and lived every day of those years together. We bought a house our 2nd year. Its a very big house, two of her sisters also live with us..... It DOES get complicated now and then. BUT! Phyllis and I have a bedroom we share, then too Phyllis has her own room independent of communal areas, I have my own Room... Finances? Well, Phyl is way more responsible about paying things on time and keeping the frig stocked and the cupboards (she's a cook professionally). I'm not very good about keeping up with laundry either... So..... We each have our own bank accounts, then there's the house account, we share one credit card, maintain our own seperate and idividual credit cards, cars are mutually owned. She prods and prods me to pay my bills on time. I give her X dollars day one of each month for mortgage, cars, food, utilities and plop another chunk into house account. We've just about decided to simply throw all the money into a joint account and give me a spending allowance (pocket money) and she'll take over the nasty details of paying things. She's a fanatic about a balanced check book. I'm not. Chores? I empty the cat box, clean the bathroom, drag out the garbage, interview and deal with contractors/fixer uppers, garages etc.,,, AND most importantly, make the damned bed when i get out of it. In return she does laundry, cook, shop and occassionally demands i help dust..... It just worked out that way. We each do what we're good at and then shove each other along the path to accomplish whatever else needs done.
Must agree with some confusion though regarding your situation.. Do you work? Does somebody overshop? overspend? Got control issues? Is this really about money and chores?.....
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