Here's a timeline of my life so far if it will help.
Aged 8 - You will never elieve it and even everyne who knew me has forgotten but I used to be a bully. There was also this ongoing soap which doesn't exist anty more which dad used to tape for me and thenI watched nothing else. Mum and dad wiped all the tapes without asking me because they thought I'd one into my own world but I had not, I was being dramatic. I preserved acopy and as I watch other things too now nearly 10 years later its ok.
Aged 9 - I fall in love, deeply passionately in lover with my best friend H who does not requite me. It is different from my other crushes on my orm tutor etc. I stop being a bully. I change dramatically and I know its the real thing not just a crush or anything. I conceal it. Around the same time, dad told e that mum and dad were plnning to split up but in my case I'm ok ith it as I couldn't stand the rows.
Aged 10 - I tell a few close friends. Tell lots of people I'm in love with H. I tell H herself as I believe she has a right to know the truth, being young, carefree and innocent it never occurs to me that a grl falling in love with another girl is a problem. She is upset and I desperately wish to turn the clock back.
Aged 11 - We split up and go to different secondary schools. I'm gutted that I'm away from H though I love the school I go to. I still love her. All I want is to tell her all beginning to end and ask her to be my wife. I don't mind her refusing or being in love with someone else or anything. I love her and that's all I want.
Aged 12 - We remeet. She has forgotten so I dare not remind her. I tell her she's my best friend but find I am as much in love with her as ever. I go through a very bad year of bulling by some boys at my school who threaten to kill H if I tell anyone. This happens all the way up till Easter. Then my parents ind out. I tell them about H. The bullying is sorted but I'm cross that they do not understand or take it seriously. Mum said it was a crush/Image etc. I furiously decide to keep quiet on the subject. My dad plans to marry again. Most extraordinarily and exceptionally I love my stepmother and stepsister the instant I hear of them. I also slowly realise that I love them more than my mum and my mum's family.
Aged 13 - Dad is happily married on the 29th October 2000. As much as I am happy I continue to be fustrated that nobody understands about H. I becom paranoid. Mumthinks of selling the house and moving. I don't want to be away from my beloved H. I believe someone is diliberately seperating me from her. I start to get depressed. I try twice to explain and then as it all goes wrong, I lie about it. Mum changes her mind about selling the house.
14-15 - The lack of energgy from the comming and going depresion messes up my GCSEs. I manage to pull through with good grades by working flat out 2 weeks before the exams. It can easily be made dormant but never goes away completely.
16 - Dad returns to India as we agreed. I want dad to go with peace of mind not knowing of my depression. If dad needs to believe I'm fine then I decide thats how it should be. I realise that I love my dad, my stepother my stepsister and H more than anyone else inthe world nd that its a question of the world coluding to seperate me from the four I love rather than one person plotting against me and H.
17- H tells me she has a boyfriend. I am taken aback at first but it makes no difference. I still love her. I swore an oath at 13 that as long as the four I love are on the self same Earth as e i would not go down the suiide rourte ever however bad the depression gets. In spring the cutting starts.
18 - I meet my stepfamily. its like a dream come true, I tell S my stepsister about the depression but not about H as my stepfamily are brought up in a ulture that wil nt allow them to understand unles one of us is male. yesterday I met A the first person I ever told about H and I promised that whn we're at Abingdon Colege I'll tell her all that happened the last 7 years and she realises I'm still a much in love with H as ever.
Today:
We met up for lunch and talked and talked and she suddenly leant forwards and asked me "Are you in love with me?" and I said Yes I am.
Then she told me she was straght and that she loved her boyfriend and couldn't requite me. I said I would always love her but that she was absolutely free. We're more best friends ow than ever before though I insisted that she tell her boyfriend the truth and she agreed to do so but she'll always be my one and only soulmate my beloved H.
Sat Sep 10, 2005 3:23 pm
Phoenix Moderators
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 1664
Location: Tallahassee Florida
I am sitting here, sad for you and pleased at the same time that the truth is known and you will go on. Sometimes in this life we can't be with the ONE we have loved for so long, and maybe in another life it will happen. I do hope and pray you find a deep love that fulfills you and lets you know that depth with her as well.
brat _________________ "A little work won't hurt you bad, but just in case I'm wrong, you'll be smiling when they pronounce you dead." Amanda Marshall 'This could take all night
Sat Sep 10, 2005 4:49 pm
LCB
Joined: 09 Sep 2005
Posts: 101
Location: England
I'mso glad but don't tell me I'll find someone else, H is unique. I want nothing. I love her and I'll remain her best friend forever, and thats all I want. All I ask now is that I may tell my dad and stepfamily the truth. I know the depression and utting may never go away but never mind. Its not always possible, we must accept yet I'm not ruling it out completely, in maybe 20 or 30 years tim H may change her ind who knows.
Sat Sep 10, 2005 5:33 pm
Phoenix Moderators
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 1664
Location: Tallahassee Florida
I know the love you have for her is special LCB. I didn't say you would find another or replace her, but it is my hope you will find room in your heart to allow another to come along and to fall in love with her and know that happiness as well. Whether you want to have that happiness is up to you, but it is MY hope for you.
brat _________________ "A little work won't hurt you bad, but just in case I'm wrong, you'll be smiling when they pronounce you dead." Amanda Marshall 'This could take all night
Sat Sep 10, 2005 7:42 pm
LCB
Joined: 09 Sep 2005
Posts: 101
Location: England
Thanks Temps. I think I'll just wait patiently until the next life though I'm not totally ruling out the possibilty that she'll come round in this life. After all my stepmother refused dad the firsttime and married my stepsister's dad but I know dad woudn't have married anyone if dad hadn't been told to marry mum and well i suppose I'm like dad in that respect.
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
Gallery
FAQ
Profile PM's 
I'mso glad but don't tell me I'll find someone else, H is unique. I want nothing. I love her and I'll remain her best friend forever, and thats all I want. All I ask now is that I may tell my dad and stepfamily the truth. I know the depression and utting may never go away but never mind. Its not always possible, we must accept yet I'm not ruling it out completely, in maybe 20 or 30 years tim H may change her ind who knows. 
