Ok here is my delimma: 23/living with mom/have a 3 yr. old son...... Girlfriend just proposed...I said yes. MOTHER HAS NO IDEA I'm a LESBIAN!!
My mom saw the ring.. I said I was gettign married... now she wants to meet "the man" in my life! I am terrified to tell her b/c I believe she will try to take my son from me. She really has a large amount of HATE for Gay men and women. She finds it disgusting and believes we are all pathetic.... so if u get my drift.. she is a total BASHER!!! ANyway.... me and my g/f plan on moving in together in about a month or so... and I was going to inform my mother of my "sexual preference" AFTER I move.... Is this the right thing to do??? Ladies, I am so scared she will try to take my son...he is her ONLY first and ONLY grandchild and she loves him dearly.... and I believe she is going to try her hardest to take him after I tell her I'm gay. WHAT DO I DO???? Oh and my G/F loves him so much(just thougt I'd throw that in there). I love my G/F and I am thrilled aout the commitment we are about to make....but telling my Moter and the rest of my Family is terrifying. They are all supposedly" Christians" ... I feel like I am going to lose everyone when I tell them.. but I'm tired of hiding!!!! PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fri Jun 24, 2005 9:16 am
Freyja
Joined: 24 Jun 2005
Posts: 11
my mother's a basher too. or at least she used to be, until, over a period
of 7 years she clued in that I'm a lesbian. I just let her figure it out on her
own. We've never talked about it. I refer to my girlfriend as my 'roommate'.
My mother's dropped subtle hints that she knows, like giving me Ellen's latest
book for Christmas. Anyway, she really likes my girlfriend a lot.
I think this is the best approach for mindwashed parents. If you already know their opinion about 'homesexuality', then just go ahead with your lesbian
lifestyle and let them figure it out. If they want to talk about it, let them approach you. You have to cut the umbilical cord at some point. What they
think doesn't matter, but simply announcing that you're gay is too big
of a blow for parents like ours. After a few years they'll realize you haven't
'brought a boy home' and they'll clue in. There's really no need to talk about
it with them, your sex life isn't really any of their business anyway. Sorry for prattling on.. I just think you should ease them in to your orientation very
slowly, i.e. over a period of a few years....kind of like with old nick on my big fat greek wedding - if you bluntly tell them then it's not okay; if they figure it out then it has a floating chance at least.
Fri Jun 24, 2005 2:27 pm
CaMelBliss23
Joined: 24 Jun 2005
Posts: 12
EXCELLENT ADVICE!!! This is exactly how I am going to go about this! I hate that I can't just be upfront with my mother, but oh well!
Thansk so much!!!
Tue Jun 28, 2005 5:58 pm
Athena
Joined: 26 Aug 2004
Posts: 314
Location: Berlin
Hi there
So, I don't think there is anything legal your mother can do to get your son away from you. She would have to prove that you are an unfit mother and being a lesbian doesn't make you an unfit parent. There are lots of lesbian parents. If you do come out to her and she is angry, the most she can do is be angry. I think that if you and your g/f are really serious and really in love, prepare to be shunned for a bit, but don't worry about them taking your child. Who knows, if your mom is really devoted to her grandchild, she may just surprise you and accept your choice. All I can really say is have a good support system to back you up.
A. _________________ "We strive for beauty and balance, the sensual over the sentimental."
Tue Jun 28, 2005 7:12 pm
Phoenix Moderators
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 1664
Location: Tallahassee Florida
I think the real kicker is "I'm getting married!!!"
Athena is right, you have to be proven an unfit mother who abuses and/or neglects her child. Don't give them any ammunition. Depending on where one lives often depends on how custody fights go. Unfortunately, that is the truth. My sister is a family law hearings officer, basically a judge, and she says it is a crap shoot on which judge you get. The fact is, they can rule against you, and then say "Take it up on appeal!"
Appeals costs tens of thousands of dollars, so they know many are stuck with their shitty legislating from the bench. I would be very careful, maybe even call the engagement off to your parents even though you are going to get married, just don't leave that shoelace untied so to speak.
Let them think your heart is broke and you are happily single, not going to date any bastard men for a long time and happen to have a great roommate. If you want to play the wait some years and let them figure it out game.
Just my two cents worth.
brat _________________ "A little work won't hurt you bad, but just in case I'm wrong, you'll be smiling when they pronounce you dead." Amanda Marshall 'This could take all night
Tue Jun 28, 2005 11:16 pm
sunflower
Joined: 05 Jun 2005
Posts: 14
Location: my place is of the sun, ny
if you are a good mother there's nothing your mom can do to take your child away. you should move out asap. _________________ this space for rent
Tue Jun 28, 2005 11:21 pm
forcefulness
Joined: 20 Jun 2005
Posts: 2
Location: usa
I felt compelled to respond as I am a lesbian mother of a teenager and I live in the deep south (bible belt) of the southeastern united states....... here there is truly not a great deal of acceptance of homosexuality and specifically, homosexual parents.....
You, I and the other wonderful women on this site know that being a lesbian does not make you unfit but......there is a great deal of society that does believe that and unfortunately some of those people hold positions in the legal system.... not just in the south....
I agree with the "let them figure it out on their own" policy... or at least, like I have done... just live your life for you and your son not for your mom or other family members. It's sad that you can't share it with her but although unfortunate it's usually the best road to go with parents like "ours"......
As parents, you can't make the mistake of putting yourself out there so that you can be "out" to your mother etc. if you aren't ready for the fight of your life, that you could lose, even temporarily..... if it has to go to the appeal stage, that does cost a lot of money. I work in the legal field and therefore, I know much from that aspect also.
There are guarantees where the homosexuality issue exists. Yes, we have come a long way but, people who tell you there is NO WAY THEY CAN TAKE YOUR SON FROM YOU IF YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER, is wrong, it can happen, it is possible and if it does, even if you can get it reversed, it could take a long time, precious time away from your son and money that you do not and/or can not get your hands on.....
Just think about what's more important to you...... to seek your own happiness and hope that time will make a way for things to work out .... or take a stand NOW to out yourself with an attitude of "SHE CAN LIKE IT OR NOT - WHO CARES" and then run the risk of what could happen.....
Just trying to be helpful.... the legal system is not always just and fair especially to a minority like us.....
Wed Jun 29, 2005 2:20 am
forcefulness
Joined: 20 Jun 2005
Posts: 2
Location: usa
oops.... I meant THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES WHERE THE HOMOSEXUALITY ISSUE EXISTS......
guess I didn't proofread very well.....
by the way, don't forget that it's always best to seek legal advice from an attorney prior to doing something like this because of the legal issues... see what an attorney has to say, depending on your locale....... which sometimes can make a difference...
also, whether you and your son have always lived with your mother since he was born can make a difference too..... that has an impact on the matter believe it or not..... if he has always lived in her home and then boom, you are going to take him out of her home to move in with your female lover.... that could be taken into consideration and used against you.....
good luck to you in whatever you choose
Wed Jun 29, 2005 2:28 am
CaMelBliss23
Joined: 24 Jun 2005
Posts: 12
First let me say... YOU WOMEN ARE TERRIFIC!!!!!
I have been waitin on hearing responses to my post! THANKS!! I have read all of the advice and I feel we are all on the same page!
(1) I need to move out ASAP!
(2) My "loving" mother can find out on her own.
It really is a pain in the ass to have parents like her!!! And to Forcefulness you are so right about the "SOUTHERN BELT" I live in Texas.... and there are so many Homophobics here.. I hate it!!!! And I think I'm going to play the broken heart game.... but what about my G/F how do I explain this to her??? How do I tell her she is going to have to play "roomate"?? MORE HELP PLEASE!!!
Wed Jun 29, 2005 3:59 am
Phoenix Moderators
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 1664
Location: Tallahassee Florida
It's called living in reality. I did it with my ex for 4 years. She was my roommate no matter what my ex husband said or asked. He even had the kids asking. Yes we slept in the same room, but we never did any serious kissing or touching in front of them. I live in Tallahassee Florida, the state capital, and things are mixed here, it just depends on the judge you get.
If i had my druthers i would move out of state asap, take your lover and son.. after having found a great job elsewhere if that is possible. Just my humble opinion, but that is what i would do given a very negative family and community environment. My situation does not allow it. My kids love their dad dearly, my family is here whom i am out to, and i have a good job.
I am out to many people here, but I do not flaunt my sexuality, just like i dont flaunt my politics or religion. I also agree with getting legal advice, and get it from several attorneys. Don't just go to a gay friendly one... you want fair honest straight forward "what the hell am i looking at" advice.
As for your girlfriend, she needs to give you time to adjust your life, get on your feet, and move forward.
I hope this helps.
brat _________________ "A little work won't hurt you bad, but just in case I'm wrong, you'll be smiling when they pronounce you dead." Amanda Marshall 'This could take all night
Wed Jun 29, 2005 4:26 am
CaMelBliss23
Joined: 24 Jun 2005
Posts: 12
TEMPS_BRAT you are such an insightful and intelligent woman! You are so right about everything. My G/F should understand my situation and she will be "roomate". And yes we are plannin to move at least a 3-4 hour drive away from HERE... my mother hates driving! Also, I am going to take my time and get "all of my ducks in a row" so to speak;so that if I do have to encounter a problem... there will be NO loose ends...NO ammunition!
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Also, I am going to take my time and get "all of my ducks in a row" so to speak;so that if I do have to encounter a problem... there will be NO loose ends...NO ammunition!
