This is my story. It is the story of how I came to realize that I was a lesbian, and accept it. It took a long time, and many relationships, but hey I did get here didn't I?
The Beginning:
I was cold. So cold. How many times did I have to go through that? Was it really worth it? I had just finished ending useless relationship number 18 (yeah I kept track). He had been tall, much taller than me, but well we just weren't at the same level, and kissing him... well let's just say it wasn't happening. At the time I was 16. After him, I knew exactly what I didn't want, it's just too bad that I couldn't figure out sooner that anything from a man would be nothing that I'd ever want. Well life went on, I finished high school, and entered CEGEP, for anyone not familiar with the Quebec education system, it goes a little something like this: 5 years high school, 2-3 years of CEGEP which then prepare you for University. Let's skip ahead 2 years, during this time nothing interesting happens in my love life, in fact I am without a partner all that time. Now you have to understand that I had always had a boyfriend, I would go through them like I do pens and pencils, every two to three months they got changed, I never could nor wanted to keep them. The new feeling would die, and I would just get bored. I feel bad to say this, but I never realized that men even had feelings, until boyfriend number 14. The only reason this dawned on me was because he cried... he cried a lot. Anyhow, thoughout my last year of high school, and my first year of CEGEP I hadn't had a relationship. I got a lot pickier. I had to at least find them quasi attractive, and they needed to be funny. But you know, two years is a pretty long time.
It was my 18th birthday party, and everyone decided to go bowling, a friend of a friend brought this guy with them. He was everything I wanted, and after being alone for so long, I jumped at the chance to be with him. We were both virgins at the time. It took about four months of heavy petting till we finally got the courage to make love. It was the most awkward unpleasant experience of my young life. It only started to feel good the fifth time we did it. It was funny but I had sex with him more to prove to myself that I was normal more than anything else, but the more we had sex the less normal I felt. I prefered to make love in the dark, so I didn't have to see his body, because I didn't find it attractive. I found oral sex to be absolutely revolting, and kissing him there made me gag. He would suck on my nipples, and rather than becoming hard little nubs of arousal, they would stay unmoved. And where my secret place was concerned, it was a dry as a desert, the only moisture there was gleaned from his tongue, and like the desert, if he didn't act fast it would dry up. Needless to say, he wasn't doing it for me. It took a little while, but eventually I began to cry after we had sex because he could never make me cum. I stayed with him for about a year and half, and I convinced myself that I loved him, and that this was as good as it got. He had everything else I'd ever wanted in a partner, except physically it didn't work, and I knew I could cum, as I'd been touching myself for the longest time.
We stayed together throughout CEGEP, and more and more he wanted me to move out with him. His family was convinced that we were meant to be together, mine too. We were just so right, except when it came to sex. I graduated and moved on to University, a place that would change my life forever.
In Between:
My boyfriend and I were together for a year and a half, during this time, he had gone away for the first two months we were together, the first summer to be more precise . I had an office job, where I foundly though of myself as an Office Gopher. I had worked there for the past two summers, but this one would be a little different.
This year someone new had come to work in the office. She was young which is what first attracted me to her, since finally someone close to my age was working in that dumpy office. I just came in one day and saw her. She had short close cropped hair, with dyed blond tips. I found this extremely attractive. She had beautiful eyes, brown like mine, and so big and pretty. She made me feel awkward, and unsure of myself. I think the thing that did it was her accent. If anyone has ever met someone with an amazing sexy accent, the kind of accent where you could just sit there for hours and hear the person talk about anything, then you know what I mean. In case your wondering it was a spanish accent. Rolling the r's and all that, and she was soooo cute, especially when she didn't know a particular word. All in all, after we started talking, I was completely and totally in lust. I would be so happy to go to work, just to be able to see her and speak with her, we strated taking breaks together, and we would talk about everything. I noticed at her work station that she had an interesting screen saver, it would go through all sorts of different pictures. It was something a friend had made for her. However, the most interesting, scary, thrilling picture of all was a picture of a flag. But it wasn't just any flag, it was the flag that told me that perhaps, maybe, she was gay. She confirmed it. Now I was really into it. I wanted her. I wondered, I fantasized, I even dreamed about her. I tired to imagine what her breasts looked like under her shirt, I would use any excuse just to be close to her.
All that said, I never have been, and I never will be a cheater. I had my boyfriend after all, who during this time of realization I had still been writing letters too, and talking to him on the phone, telling him I missed him, and I loved him. It just didn't feel the same, but you know what? I'm good at lying to myself, if i say something will work, it will work no matter what I may feel.
Summer was coming to a close, and so was my time with my secret crush. I remember thinking at one point, "Gee I wish I could be with her, but I'm not a lesbian... How do I join the club?" I think that she knew I had feelings for her, because at one point she told me, "I don't date straight people." I was surprised, but covered it up, and responding with a too casual, "So?" Before I left the office she took me out to lunch, and she gave me her phone number. I called her twice, once to leave a message, and another time I actually did speak with her, and I told her that if she ever wanted to she could give me a call. She never did, and that was the end of that. She was six years older than me anyways, and we had different interests. So life went back to normal... sort of. I came away that summer with the knowledege that yes indeed I was most certainly interested in women. But this wasen't the way it was supposed to be, my mother had always brought me up to believe that a man and a woman were right, and that gay couples, although acceptable, were acceptable insofar as it was not me or my brother that was gay. So as was customary, I put aside my feelings and returned to the normal humdrum of life with the unfullfilling boyfriend. The missionary sex, the stopping because he couldn't make me wet and it would hurt. What a wonderful sex life I had.
Meet Ann:
As I said, after CEGEP I went right on to University. 150 mph, no looking back. I was entering a program that I wasn't sure I would like, but hey it made a lot of money and I had found the man I would stay with. I was set.
The only problem with a new school is making friends. It took awhile, but eventually I found one. It took about 3 weeks. By nature I'm a playfull person, and I like to tease, and when this girl walked into one of my math classes, and started bugging someone I sort of hung out with, the first words I said to her teasingly were, "Your a real shit disturber aren't you." A cautionary note on this, if you don't know someone, try not to act to familiar or say something mean, because this may be why you have trouble making friends. Needless to say the comment didn't go over too well. She gave me a dirty, go to hell look, and walked right out of class. The funny thing was I knew I wanted to be her friend. I liked the way she carried herself, and I found her interesting. I think it was the leather jacket. It wasn't till about a week later that we encountered one another again. To my surprise she was in my cal class. The class itself was an auditorium, with each row at a lower level than the next. So low in fact that the girl was able to sit with her legs stretched out so that her feet were pretty much in my face. So I did the weirdest thing ever, and I grabbed her foot. According to my logic that was the quickest way to get her feet out of my face. She said something like, "What are you doing!? I can't believe you just grabbed my foot." and she moved her feet away, back under her desk. I felt like an idiot, and at that point I was sure we would never be friends. Never in a millions years.
3rd time's a charm:
I was late for my stats class, and there was only one free seat available. Lo and behold, it was next to the girl I had been trying to befriend. I walked up to her, and asked if I could sit next to her. She said yes. From then on we always sat next to each other, in every class we had together. We would talk, a lot, and she would tease me unmercifully. She drove me crazy, and I thought that it was really weird. I mean how could she affect me so much? Why did I care if she was happy, why did I care if she said hi to me? The first hint I had that my feelings may have been deeper than I could have thought was when one day before class, we went to the computer lab together. We were talking like usual, when all of the sudden a friend of here's came in, and she ignored me completely, and just spoke to her friend. I got in the weirdest mood, and became very angry and bitter. That night when we spoke on the phone about it, I realized that I was jealous. I never told her this of course, because that would be weird, but the fact remained. I am not a jealous person by nature, and when it comes to my friends the more the merrier, which is why I couldn't understand why I was so jealous that she had been so excited to speak with the other girl. After that I started to feel differently, or maybe I already had, but wasn't admitting it to myself. I found that I couldn't be too close to her without getting uncomfortable, in a strange excited way. In Cal class, because of the way the seats were done, I was able to sit close enough to her to touch her forearm with mine, with my thigh pressed against hers. It gave me a strange thrilling sensation.
One day after class, I decided to go downtown, she came with me. We were walking along, chatting as usual, when she says something along the lines of, "I'll blindfold you". Now understand this comment was not meant to be provocotave or sexy in anyway, and in the context of the sentence it was not. Which is why, the little devil in me couldn't help but say, "Oooh kinky!" Never before had we flirted in any way shape or form, we had talked about how she joked a lot with another friend about touching or kissing, but we had never done that. I had surprised her, sorta shocked her, and looking back on it, it wasn't really all that shocking, she had just never expected it for me. For that little shock she said that she was going to get me back. From that point on we straight flirted always assuming everything we said to each other was a joke. At the end of it, my little errand downtown, we were about to part ways when the subject of lesbians hitting on me came up. I told her about a lesbian that had hit on me in french class, and how it wasn't the first time, and that I had to fend them off with a baseball bat (joke). Then I asked her if any lesbians hit on her, and if she had the same problem. At that point a peculiar look came over her face, and she completely ignored my question. Suddenly things became very awkward, very quickly. I became uncomfortable and excited just like how I had felt at the office. That night when we spoke on the phone, I asked her if she was gay. Not only did she tell me no, but she revealed to me that she had a boyfriend. I didn't believe her until she showed me pictures. In all the time I had been talking to her, and telling her about my boyfriend, she had never once mentioned her's, which I found strange.
Getting me back:
When Ann gets someone back, she gets revenge, and goes all out. Especially when on the phone a particular person challenges her, and tells her how she could never ever shock her. One day, in Stats class, she claimed to have a headache, and she told me that before class she wanted to go for a walk. I agreed, and went with her. She brought her schoolbag with her, which was strange, but I figured that maybe she felt so bad that she was just going to go home. Then in a very serious voice she said, "I need to talk to you, let's go sit down." We walked a short distance, and found somewhere to sit, then in the most serious voice ever she said, " I've been thinking, and I need to tell you that I have feelings for you." I didn't believe her and flat out told her that she was full of it, and that she was just trying to shock me. "No seriously," she said, " I really do have a kick on you. Here." And with that she pulled out a rose and gave it to me. I freaked out. I lost it. I had tears in my eyes, I was so ... I don't know... I thought that she was serious. Then she said, "gotcha" At that point I went berserk. I was so mad I couldn't control myself, I threw myself at her, and I hit her with the rose. I think that what had pissed me off the most was that at that moment, I realized that I truely deeply really did have feelings for her, and this was just cruel.
I kept the rose, and hid my feelings, buried them deep inside. It was so hard though. Now every little comment we passed, well I really meant it, and it hurt to know that she didn't feel the same way. After all, like me she had a boyfriend.
The boyfriend, aka the competition:
She used to tell me stroies about him, about how much of manipulative person he was. About how she stayed with him, because she thought that that was the best she could do. I found myself thinking that if she were with me, I would never do those things to her I would be good to her, I would treat her like the princess she was. Her relationship with him was never good, and for the last few months they had even stopped being intimate. It was obvious that she didn't care about him, and I kept advising her to end it. In my wildest fantasies I hoped that she would end it, and be with me. But wait what about my boyfriend?
He was still there, in the background, but I knew that I wasn't happy. I knew that deep down I wanted to be with her. So I did the most obvious thing, the fairest thing, I ended it with him. Now at this point one thing that needs to be made very clear was that I loved him, very deeply. He was my first true love, and nothing will ever change that. So dear reader, hopefully you can forgive me for this obvious mistake, but I had a crying, the sky is falling, and my life has already started to, panic attack. I didn't sleep that night, and in the morning I called him, and told him that i needed to be with him. He said ok, and I told him that I was going to come over after class. When I got to his place he proceeded to use me. It almost felt like rape. He was the master branding his slave, his possession. He didn't even bother to take off his clothes, he just threw me on the bed, and entered me. He moved inside me till he was spent, the sweat from his forehead wetting the side of neck. And then he came inside me, and that was that. It was the most horrible sex we had ever had, and the iorny was that he didn't know it. Always before he had been a kind considerate lover, now this time he had simply put his penis inside me and spewed his semen into my body with no care towards me or my pleasure. I remember him saying something like, "So that is what make-up sex is like." We never had sex again.
In the meantime, while I was trying to decide what to do, and coming to terms with really ending the relationship, Ann had ended her's. The night that I had broken it off with my boyfriend for the first time, was the same night she had ended it with hers. But that morning, when we met up I told her how I had called my boyfriend and begged him to give us another chance. She became very angry with me, and later I was to find out that the only reason why she had gotten the courage to breakup with her boyfriend was because I had broken up with mine, and then I go weak and run back to him. Eventually I did end it for real, it took me another three weeks. I think at that point I knew for certain the following:
1. I didn't like boys
2. I was seriously attracted to Ann
3. She was totally straight, and definetely not attracted to me
About that last point... well I may have been more than a little wrong.
Well ladies tell me what you think, and if you're interested I'll tell you the conclusion to my little coming out, and about what, if anything happened with Ann. Hey even if you're not interested I'll just tell it anyways, because I really want to, and if the writing doesn't make too much sense, well I'm tired and I don't feel like proof reading.
-chrissy _________________ copula - originating from the Latin noun for a "link or tie" that connects two different things...
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