Hello to all of you! I am really not very good at this kind of thing, but I'm going to give it a shot. I'm having a problem, and am hoping for some advice...
I have been with this woman (Danielle) for about 2 years now. We broke up a while back because she chose to be with a man and I couldn't handle it. I tried for a while, but she took really bad advantage of me and I had to put it to an end. That doesn't mean I stopped loving her, far from it, but I broke up with her and kicked her and her b/f out.
Well, about a month ago, she came back, alone. No boyfriend, just her. She said she was sorry for everything and how it all turned out and wanted to try again. I was kind of excited about the prospect of just picking up our love and carrying on like we should have in the first place before all this happened, but I was kind of leary of it too. I know without a doubt that I love her more than anyone on earth, and I let that cloud my judgement a lot of times... I think I did it again. I let her come home, and we were so perfect for a while, just like before, in love and happy, so happy. There was still this part in the back of my brain telling me to hold back because she could just screw me over again, but I tried to let that go and just live for today and the future.
She had been distant for a couple of days and I wrote some poetry about it, but didn't post it or show it to anyone, especially not her! It wasn't bad, just venting. One night, she got ahold of my poetry book, and read it. She had never read my poetry before, and in that book were all the poems from when we broke up the first time and all the time between then and now. She flew off the handle! Crying, saying I didn't know how bad it made her feel, how now that she knows how badly she hurt me before she can't stay. She was upset because after reading the poetry she had to realize how badly things were and re-live what happened and she found out how all of that tore me up inside. Her exact words were "I can't bear to do that to you again..." That makes no sense to me! I don't get it. Was she planning to do it again? Is she afraid I hold it against her? I don't understand. She left me. Just packed her stuff up that night and left. Every time we have talked since, I can hear in her voice that she misses me, but she refuses to give us a chance.
So what am I supposed to do? Just go on with my life without her and let go? That is so hard, I love her. I have no idea how to go forward because it feels like my life is on hold waiting for her to come home. I know this is all a little confusing and I'm doing my best to clarify, but if anyone has any advice please let me know.
Thanks,
Xalia
Wed Apr 20, 2005 7:23 am
DanceofSorrows
Joined: 29 Aug 2004
Posts: 2837
Xalia,
Safe Hugs.
"We broke up a while back because she chose to be with a man"
"She left me. Just packed her stuff up that night and left"
That is how she chose to deal with the relationship, regardless of intent or reason. I hope for you healing and comfort through this process of grieving. Writing is a wonderful way to process things.
Dance~
Wed Apr 20, 2005 10:00 pm
Phoenix Moderators
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 1664
Location: Tallahassee Florida
Hello Xalia,
Could it be that she got a cold dose of reality and is feeling extremely guilty? Reading someone's personal writings that do not show one's self in a positive light hurts. It sounds to me that she is licking her wounds. She should never have read what you wrote. Having said that, i too read my ex's journal because she just would not communicate. i learned a lot about how she really felt. It hurt, but it's better to know the truth, than wonder.
If you want her back, give her time, love as if you have never been hurt and dance as if no one is watching. What I mean, is live in the now, have fun, and be positive.
brat _________________ "A little work won't hurt you bad, but just in case I'm wrong, you'll be smiling when they pronounce you dead." Amanda Marshall 'This could take all night
Wed Apr 20, 2005 10:49 pm
Xalia1 Moderators
Joined: 05 May 2004
Posts: 3702
Location: In love
Dance & Brat,
Thank you both for replying... guess I'll just give it time. Hopefully everything will work it's self out. Thanks again.
Xalia
Tue Apr 26, 2005 6:40 am
undone
Joined: 30 Mar 2005
Posts: 152
i don't know if this is any help, Xalia, but I am in a similiar situation, having read everything that my partner wrote during the year we were apart, much of it was about how badly i had made her feel. The part that's different is that i didn't leave her for a man, it was her involvement with men that caused the breakup when i became jealous. Also I had no word from her at all during this year, the few times we met in public situations, she would argue intensely with me and when i tried contacting her she basically told me to leave her alone. So I was glad and happy when she reappeared sddenly and said that she had loved me all along, though she was also just coming out to me. So I was glad and wanted to just start anew. But on the other hand she kept talking about these things she felt in the past year as if they were still wounded and aching in her, the past just kept getting into our conversations more and more, and then i feel really guilty, depressed, sort of hopeless, like there's nothing i can do about it except say i'm sorry or think of it again. And I also have a lot of pain in me from all that time alone, feeling continually rejected, that she preferred men, and no hope since she didn't say anything to indicate she might come back. I love her deeply and want to be with her, she's truly the only woman i've ever felt this heart, soul, body connection with, so deeply but we've both had a lot to deal with. Actually a good part of is probably not so much us, as our both having been caught for a long time in the lie of living another life, not being who we were, as women, sexually, since both of us had been with men for a long time before we fell in love with each other, so a lot of the lies were in our heads and we did a lot of damage to each other as a result. I also feel that there are a number of deeper wounds that she's not telling me, that perhaps she needs to deal with them herself. I don't know, I hope I find her again or she finds me, I love her, but it seems as if we need some space to deal with various things we haven't dealt with or the past will just keep dragging into the present. I hope everything works out for you, I know how you must feel,
undone _________________ undone in more ways than one
Tue Apr 26, 2005 8:27 am
Xalia1 Moderators
Joined: 05 May 2004
Posts: 3702
Location: In love
Undone,
Thanks for your support. Sorry to hear that your situation is close to mine! This whole thing bites. I just want to scream, and then I just want to cry, but none of it does any good, so I just sit here and wait. Not trying to push her or anything, but if she wants to let go for real, then what am I supposed to do? I've waited forever for her... *sigh* It's alright, I'm getting better, but it's nice to know that there are people out there that understand what this is like. And those of you who don't relate, let me tell ya, it sucks! Thanks for replying, I appreciate it. Hope you have a great day.
Xalia
Wed Apr 27, 2005 7:41 am
Phoenix Moderators
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 1664
Location: Tallahassee Florida
Hi Undone,
When someone has gone through a serious hurt, they need to talk about it and talk about it and talk about it some more until it stops hurting. The other person needs to know they are just working through it, and offers love and understanding. Try not to get defensive with each other, just acknowledge the feelings and say it's ok. It took me months of wailing and talking to get it out of my system when my ex and i broke up. You can't pretend everything is ok when inside you are still hurting. Be honest with yourself and one another, and work on building trust and bringing true joy and peace back.
hugs,
brat _________________ "A little work won't hurt you bad, but just in case I'm wrong, you'll be smiling when they pronounce you dead." Amanda Marshall 'This could take all night
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