So here it is, my life and times with the one girl I thought I'd always be with, my first love... or so I thought.
Until her I had only dated men... boys, but then i met her, and my life just changed. It was amazing, and it was incredible, but unfortunately far too short. She kept making plans about the future, talking about all the things we'd do together, live together... she even gave me a ring, a promise ring. I'm still wearing it, I don't even know why.
Lately we've been fighting, about all the little things. She askes me to do something, and I just don't do it. Example: I leant her my phone because she was going away to Quebec city this weekend, and I didn't call my service provider to find out about long distance charges. Truth be told, I didn't care if there were or if there weren't I just wanted to talk to her. So now she's angry that I didn't call and find out about the charges. Little things... on the phone we agreed that I was just easy going, and she was the complete opposite... uptight. I told her that that was ok because we complimented each other . She doesn't think so.
Before she left we had the most amazing night. It had been a really long time since we had been intimate. I' m usually the one always wanting to be intimate, but with exams (university exams = ) we really haven't had time, quality time for one another.
One of the last things she said to me on the phone, after the last little thing (cell phone LD rates) was that she was looking for any reason for us to be together. It seems like she's so hung up on the little things that she wants to pull us apart.
Admitedly I'm not the most open person when it comes to my feelings. I don't know why, but I find it really difficult to express myself. So she gets mad. But, and I know this is silly, I look at her, and I look at her in a certain way that I just want her to see how I feel for her, I don't think that I need to say it, not to say that I don't tell her that I love her, because I do. When I mean feelings, it's like when I'm mad, or I think something that we're doing is a waste of time, I don't tell her. Usually when I tell her stuff that doesn't go along with what she is thinking, or doing, she gets mad or dissapointed. I just want her to be happy.
So tonight I told her that if she didn't want to be together any longer, then we should end it now to salvage the friendship we still have. I'll always love her though..... Thankfully she didn't outright agree so there is still some chance that I can prolong my misery! yeah me! I think that at this point she knows how much this is going to hurt, so we agreed to talk about this after exams. I just hope that she's really stressed out, and maybe taking it out on me.... you know, writing this and seeing exactly what is going on in words kinda makes me feel like I may as well just end it, because well it's pretty much already over, but you know, it's so weird how my feelings keep rollercoasting along. By that I mean at some points I feel so high, and at others so low, but most of the time, things are just twisted or upsidedown.
Well that's it. My moan. I already moaned to my friend about this, but well I needed to moan a little more, and get it out... as confusing as that whole long mess is.
I actually want to write our story when I get the time, like after exams. Anyways, that's it, thanks for taking the time to read, please let me know what you ladies think eh
Sun Apr 17, 2005 6:25 am
undone
Joined: 30 Mar 2005
Posts: 152
hi chrissy,
i don't know, but I feel like this too and have been thru something similar. I sort of said the same thing to the one girl I thought I'd always be with, even though I so want to always be with her.
I start thinking with all these little things that she's unhappy with me. I wouldn't have cared about the cel phone either. I don't know, it depends on what uptight is, most of my friends think i'm laid back and easy going, but I do get uptight when pressed to say how i feel, i guess that's from my family always having these interrogations. She doesn't do that, but even so I can open up a lot easier when relaxed and warm. Sometimes tho i get the feeling she thinks that if i'm in a lighter mood that i've just buried or spaced out on the issues.
It's been tough lately tho with exams, then my family's given me all sorts of flak and all sorts of stuff going on wtth them, so i feel pressure all day and am just worn out.
Well, you shold try and tell your girlfriend if you're mad or if you don't like something, I used to be more like that, just want my girl to be happy, but that's not so good since it can build up. I have those rollercoaster feeings too, so happy and then crash, she's been sending me all these ims and one minute i think there's hope and the next i don't know. We've always had a rather up and down relationship, thinking it's over, it's not, it's over, it'll never be over, which is tough, since these little things and arguments can seem important.
I do think you are probaby complimentary wth her, sometimes if there's more certainty about the relationship (for instance, you said you were wearing her ring, and don't know why? why don't yu know? ) then these arguments aren't so make or break everything
I think it's too not having any time to be intimate, we don't have much time together either, especially because of all my stuff, and it really bugs me, all of these other pressures and no time, when I so want to be with her and so amazing when we are together.
I don't know, it sounds to me like you're just trying to decide it's over? trying to be self-sacrificing since you don't think she's happy and might really want to pul things apart? maybe it's that you're wondering if it's already over and you just haven't gotten the message so you're deciding to try and save both of you more pain? I think that way sometimes, I've not been sure lately if my girlfriend is saying it's over.
I'm glad you wrote, it helped me to see my own situation, I really don't want it to be over, I love her and want to always be with her, I'm just incredibly stressed out, no time either, I hope she doesn't want it to be over. You're lucky your girl wants to talk after the exams when you're not so stressed out, and you should try especially if she is the one you want to always be with.
And I hope it works out for you, and thanks for talking about this, good luck,
undone
Sun Apr 17, 2005 8:04 am
chrissy
Joined: 16 Apr 2005
Posts: 157
Location: Montreal
I think it's over Part2 (chrissy go insane ranting!)
Hi Undone,
Thanks for the input, I really appreciate it, it's nice to know that there is someone out there who can actually relate.
I gotta make this quick, cause I should be doing stupid questions(more studying), but here you go: I think I wear the ring because she had it engraved, and on the inside it says "Forever Yours" so I guess that as long as I wear it she'll always be mine, we'll always be together. Kinda silly, but hey you gotta have something to hold on to when all there seems to be is fighting. One fight after another. Even when we were friends we used to fight though. About the fighting, she is always telling me that I should do this, and I should do that, like cleaning my room (I used to be a big slob, but I really think I have made great improvements in that perspective), or getting my best friend to burn dvd's for her because she bought a ton off of eBay and she wants to make the money back by reselling them.
I think that she is obsessive compulsive about cleaning. I'm really not, I couldn't care less, as long as I'm happy and healthy you know. Although that is not to say that I never clean my room, cause I do... I don't even know why this is an issue, it's just she has all these plans for the future and if I'm messy we can't live together... gurrr. Is this really worth it? What am I doing. I try to change and make her happy, but the more I change the less happy I am. It's the little things like being a slob, and hanging out with my best friends and not having to meet her today because I have the most awful cold, and I feel sick and I'm trying to study but that is hard because I feel so sick.... endless circle of cr@p that is what this is.
Whatever, you know if she doesn't like the little things about me, then what does she like? Does she like the fact that at night when we lie in each others arms, with me holding her, and her snuggling up close to me, that everything feels perfect. I feel like physically everything is awsome, but in the morning we fight... I can't do this. Something has to give something has to stop something needs to be said to this woman I love... do I love her because she is my first, my first girlfriend, my best friend... A friend of mine has a theory: I always end up in relationships where the other person makes me unhappy, and then I don't leave, I stick with it....
It's just I see something in her, something so beautiful, so amazing, and when I'm with her that something shines, and I love it. But you know when she just gets mad at me, for nothing! well I start to think that maybe that beautiful something isn't really there, that maybe I just made it up, because I wanted it to be there. I don't even know anymore. Here's another example of getting mad for nothing: when I talk on the phone with her, sometimes I don't talk very loud, and because she can't hear me she gets pissed off. None of my other friends have this problem. Anyways that is it, gone on long enough.
About the rollercoaster feelings, I used to like it, I used to like the fact that she always kept me off balance, klept me guessing... twisting.. turning. But you what? It gets old, eventually you need something constant, you need to know that the other person loves you , and isn't pissed off because you didn't clean the papers off your desk. What!? so what if I want to have paper on my desk. I'm not the most organized person in the world, and I like a little bit of a mess. I enjoy being able to relax when I get home, and not have to worry about cleeaning! I think that if anyhting this relationship will give me a cleaning phobia!!!!
HA! this is the funniest thing, when I used to go out with guys I was always the one to end things, and now that I accept the fact that I love being with women, my first girlfriend breaks it off( welll almost). I don't even know why... it's not like it matters, just a funny fact. meh. that's it, put a fork in me I'm done, confused, but hey at least I can write about it.
Sun Apr 17, 2005 4:29 pm
irishdyke
Joined: 06 Dec 2004
Posts: 115
I think you're dating my gf. She has a cleaning fetish too. And it's getting to me. Almost every day I am the ever so proud recipient of little lectures about some little thing I should have done the 'right' way and am made to feel pissed and a little bit less at the same time. I'm like you, I"m not a slob but if I have dishes in the sink for two, only two, days ago this doesn't bother me. So I ties the curtains together in a way that is different than hers, lord help us. I get bitched out for every little thing I do that doesn't conform to her arbitrary set of rules that can change, though she tells me they're not changing, I'm just not listening. Which is possible, because when you're constantly being yelled at you tend to blank it out. My bitch is that I clean for a living and if I want to put off cleaning until the weekend there's nothing wrong with that. Oh, and the no shoes thing. Pardon me, but if I have my hands full, I"m not going to drop everything and take my shoes off before I enter the house.
These are just some of my bitches. We've had to face some of the same questions you're facing. She's not my first, my first was a nicer person. We love each other but there are a lot of little things that add up to one big bitch...are we really compatible? Because it's the little things that get you through the day with one another. I think it all matters. Not just your likes and dislikes but how you treat each other. Fighting is natural but sometimes the nature of the fight may not be. And the frequency can be an issue. I tried to hold onto my first gf as long as I could, ignoring that we too had some issues. We broke up but we have managed to be great friends...and have been for eight years. Wow, I just realized how long it's been. We've seen each other through some really rough times...when no one else seemed to care, we were there for each other.
I am not advising you to break up, I'm not living your life. All I'm saying is that if you do decide it's right for both of you that it won't be the end of the world for either of you. Even if it feels that way for a time.
Another support group idea: for women who used to date women who were clean freaks. If we spill coffee on the floor and the trash needs taking out, no one will be there to bitch about it. Besides, it'll get done.
*hugs*
Sun Apr 17, 2005 5:11 pm
fiddler
Joined: 01 Apr 2005
Posts: 11
Location: indonesia
Hey Chrissy… obviously you must please feel free to disregard this – but it’s meant well. In my experience, when you start thinking along the lines of ‘I think it’s over’, it’s usually just a matter of time. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. I just know that on several occasions in the past, some part of my brain has started flagging up those kinds of thoughts, but it’s taken a little while for the rest of my brain, and my heart, to listen, and to accept it. We don’t want the relationship to end, especially when sometimes it can seem so right, but it seems like there’s this little voice of self-preservation in our heads… telling us this isn’t the one, after all… and maybe we should be listening to that little voice.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you say the never-ending rollercoaster ride “… gets old, eventually you need something constant, you need to know that the other person loves you , and isn't pissed off because you didn't clean the papers off your desk.” Exactly. Sure, we all have bad habits, but there’s no mileage in trying to get someone to change by constantly criticising them. Are these the things that really matter? Of course not. It’s a way of picking a fight I suppose, for whatever reason.
If this relationship ends, it’s not the worst thing in the world, it just might seem like it for a while. But don’t be scared about moving on. I think we grow through our relationships… I think of each previous relationship not as a failed one, but as valuable training for the next one… and the one after that!
(Ha! I’ve just re-read what Irish wrote… I wasn’t conciously quoting her re ‘end of the world’.. what can I say… great minds? world-weary souls?)
Best of luck Chrissy – and hang in there
fiddler _________________ just smile...
Mon Apr 18, 2005 3:48 am
Phoenix Moderators
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 1664
Location: Tallahassee Florida
Love and happiness are such elusive things. We fall in love often before we really know a person. We overlook things that will eventually become major issues, which in the beginning seem so trivial, and in the greater scheme of things really are trivial. But, having said that, it's the little things that add up often, especially when two people are not doing "major" things that would be bad.
Opposites are exciting, and fun. The growth is what most seek. What the other person has within them that we are drawn to and might wish we could incorporate within ourselves to some degree. It has been proven time and again though that the more alike you are to your partner, the better chances of having a happy and harmonious life together will be. I was with a woman for 4 years. We met online, fell in love, chatted for almost a year before she came to visit me from Australia. In the end, we were just too different.
I learned a lot from that relationship. I learned what I definately do want in a partner and what I don't want. The areas of difference should balance the two partners out. One might be more outgoing and thus encourage the other to open up a bit more and experience new things. Of course the other might be slower to act and thus keep the headstrong gung ho one in check. Finding your souls mirror and still being yourself in my humble opinion is where the best chances of success lie.
I have to ask myself, can I see me or her being happy in 5 years? What are our differences? One being hyper clean and the other not.... ie felix and Oscar from the "Odd couple" (Might be way to old a show for some to relate to) does not bode well for the couple. Unless, the clean freak (i am not one though I do like order) will take on the job of cleaning. But, then resentments can grow and there is the rub. Can you come to true agreements, compromise willingly and with a joyous heart or will there be a burr under your saddle that becomes a major issue?
If it's constant bitching with moments of fabulous make up sex, the relationship will not work.
my best to you,
Pho _________________ "A little work won't hurt you bad, but just in case I'm wrong, you'll be smiling when they pronounce you dead." Amanda Marshall 'This could take all night
Last edited by Phoenix on Tue Sep 09, 2008 1:23 pm; edited 1 time in total
Wed Apr 20, 2005 1:55 am
chrissy
Joined: 16 Apr 2005
Posts: 157
Location: Montreal
*ouch* nail on head!
"...constant bitching with moments of fabulous make up sex, the relationship will not work."
there was indeed moments of fabulous make up sex! but as you say that is not what will make the relationship work.
there was also the concensus that we cannot live without one another.
we really need to try and be more open with each other, and instead of fighting, figure out something that will make us both happy.
I may just be prolonging the inevitable but I can't let her go.
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) we really haven't had time, quality time for one another.
