I am the partner of a caregiver. Her mother has taken a turn for the worse (she has cancer), although the doctor doesn't think her condition is terminal. She's gone from a fairly active 80 year old, to one who lays in bed and only gets up to use the bathroom and eat. Without going into all the details, for the last 20+ years of our relationship, she has always put her family first over me. She's also successfuly almost totally alienated my family from my life, not allowing anyone to stay for visits in our home overnight (they live all over the country). She's tried her best to come between my relationship with my son. She's moved in to care for her mom, despite the fact that her brother lives in the apartment under her mom. She has a sister as well. Rather than demand they help, she gets angry because they don't "offer." Anyway, today she turned on me, the only one who's been supportive and helpful to the extent she will let me help, saying "You don't get it." We used to make a huge deal out of our b'days, Christmas, Halloween, and yet my birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving and most likely Christmas will be ignored. I was sick with H1N1 for a month, and basically had to handle it alone. I am torn - I want to understand but am wondering if her obessession with 24/7 care for her mother is normal. I am also tired of being second to her family. I feel selfish and guilty because I am pretty angry right now. Any input would be very appreciated.
Wed Nov 18, 2009 7:13 pm
Dark prism
Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 865
Location: California Dreamin, baby.
If I were in that position, I would want to support my partner in what she felt she needed to do for her family. If her family is that important to her, I would want her to do what she felt she needed to do, and would want to help her with it, because she won't be a happy person if she doesn't, and she will always regret not doing what she felt she should have, later down the road. The one blaring issue in your post though, is that she isn't doing the same for you. THAT would bug me. I always try to put myself in the other persons shoes and try to think how I would want them to react if it was happening to me. That's how I figure out if something is right or not and how I should be reacting, but she obviously isn't doing the same for you if she is purposely coming between you and your family. I find it hard to go the distance and do the right thing for someone else if they don't care the same amount about me.
One thing I have learned though, is that every family has their own language with each other, and only they know what is expected or what the right way is to communicate. Some keep all their emotions in, and it would be shocking to voice them, others scream at each other constantly. I think you have to let them communicate the way they know how to, because you will probably never really understand their language, just like your partner will never really understand the way you communicate with your family and what is proper.
I think you need to voice these issues with your partner though, because obviously they are bothering you, and will come out, probably angrily, if you just stew on them.
Ultimately, I'm sure you want to be a supportive partner, but you also deserve the same respect from your partner regarding things that are important to you too.
I know this is hard. Good luck.
Dp _________________ "Fighting for this girl - on the battlefield of love."
Sat Dec 05, 2009 7:07 pm
renie
Joined: 03 Jul 2007
Posts: 17
Dark Prism, thank you for your thoughtful comments. I truly appreciate it. Looking back, it seems so petty. It's been over 2 weeks now of me giving her total support, attention, love. Every night for a week, she'd wake up in the middle of the night crying and I'd wake up and sense her sorrow and support her. She is so distraught and I find it hard to understand since I have been so disconnected from my parents for most of my life. I often try to imagine how I would feel if it were my sister, or son, and then it's easier to understand. I was there 100% for weeks, and truthfully, I just gave her the ok to do whatever she needed, whenever. My b'day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas can wait until she's ready. If she wants to do anything, it can be whatever she needs to get through it.
I am hoping she will have a better understanding of my need to have family in my life, as difficult and dysfunctional as they are.
Mon Dec 07, 2009 10:34 pm
MdmPrez
Joined: 16 Oct 2007
Posts: 803
Location: US of A
renie
I feel very sad for what you're enduring. I think your partner is a 'taker' and certainly not a 'giver', at least not to you. I wonder why you do stay...you can love someone with all your heart but you shouldn't have to withstand what it appears is abuse. She totally dismisses your needs. That is no way to live. It's a one sided relationship and that's unhealthy. She is extremely self centered and narcissistic. I would get out while you still have time. Cut your losses and move on. It may sound cold, but she is the coldest person I've ever heard of.
Cat
Tue Dec 08, 2009 3:21 am
renie
Joined: 03 Jul 2007
Posts: 17
Re: renie
quote:Originally posted by MdmPrez:
I feel very sad for what you're enduring. I think your partner is a 'taker' and certainly not a 'giver', at least not to you. I wonder why you do stay...you can love someone with all your heart but you shouldn't have to withstand what it appears is abuse. She totally dismisses your needs. That is no way to live. It's a one sided relationship and that's unhealthy. She is extremely self centered and narcissistic. I would get out while you still have time. Cut your losses and move on. It may sound cold, but she is the coldest person I've ever heard of.
Cat
Hi, I don't want to sound like the typical battered victim, who makes excuses, but in all fairness, I should explain further what the situation is. At the time I posted, I didn't give a lengthy explanation due to the craziness going on with her mom's illness, I'd had the flu for 3 weeks, and then was in a car accident (hit by a drunk driver, but I am fine, car is not). The problem lies in the fact that my family has chosen to pretend that our relationship doesn't exist. My parents do not include her in anything, even though she's done many things over the years for me for them. Re: my son, he was totally repulsed when he learned of our relationship (she was my first woman), and did some hurtful things to her and her family in retaliation. Now, 20 years later he still continues to avoid any mention or acknowledgment of her, which is why she feels so strongly about them spending overnight visists. Besides that whole uncomfortable situation, we live in a tiny condo. She's actually agreed that we need to buy a house so that my family can come and visit, but I know how sad and angry she is, especially since her family took me in like one of their own.
BTW, her mom passed away in the midst of this thread. While she is very strong in her convictions about acceptance by family, she is also very very loving and giving in most other ways. If my family accepted her, I believe things would be totally different. I'd be very interested to hear your input.
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