Joined: 01 Oct 2007
Posts: 24
Location: Telemark, Norway
My lil' story.. (Sexuality confusion inside!)
Hi everyone..
I'm not
entirely
sure this is the right forum for this post, but nontheless this is the best fit I could figure! 'scuse me if it's misplaced. It's not very cohesive post, but it has a very specific purpose: To moan and groan.
Anyhow: I suddenly woke up this morning, and "Melsweb" figuratively scrolled past my inner eye! My last post here was somewhere in 2007 (almost exactly 2 years ago in fact!), so I guess "I'm back" in a sense... After having to go through an agonizing forensic process of recovering my username and password, since I refuse to re-register under a new nick..
Anyhow, reason for thinking of this wonderful forum again, has a reason! (Err, brought to you by The Department of Redundancy Department, apparently, anyhow!) Reason is as follows...;
Backtracking a handful of years: Finding first love at 16, sticking with it for 3 odd years, then splitting up and having an emotional rollercoaster 2 years ago. After that, everything is this .. foggy soup of rather lonesome and unmotivated, lacklustre single life.
I've not really accomplished anything during these years, and as of right now I have no job, no school, no nada.. So you could say, it's all rather unspectacular.
On the flipside, however, it has allowed for a lot of thinking and learning about myself.. I've felt like I've grown up a huge amount the past few years - I thought back when I was just 18-19 that "oh wow I feel like I've grown up so much" - but that honestly pales to the changes I've gone through in personality just the past two years..
And one of them, is still in the air, like a spinning coin; not sure whether it's gonna land heads or tails down.. My own sexuality.
My first love was another girl. And what love it was.. One of those things I'll never stop feeling for, I reckon. I thought, back in those more naive days that I was truly and definitely a lesbian. Gay. Crosswired. However you'll wish to put it!
Backtracking over the past two years, things happened, though...;
Only a few months after I finally moved out of my ex-girlfriends place, I somehow ended up with this guy. I must say I was about as emotional as a granite block at the time, and I suppose that was part of why I so easily let this guy into my life, however brief of a stay.
I felt dead. Immotional (I claim copyright on that word!). Like a dead nerve, severed and disconnected from what it was like to feel strongly for something - positively or negatively.
So somehow, I convinced myself that it would be a grand idea to try it out with some of my opposing gender, and so I did. My first experience with one turned out to be the most boring relationship I could ever have imagined.. Not only was he a jerk, really, he also had no real interest in anything besides what was underneath my waistline. Admittedly he was quite passionately interested in that area, although not very skillfully so..
Moving on - two months later I'm on the run alone again. Moving a short distance. On my own. Moving forward in time a little bit, I manage to squeeze some socializing needs out of my brain, so I go and get involved in the sticky subject of "love" and relationship again, soon enough...
Again, with a guy.
A slight improvement this time. He actually had interest all the way up to my neck. He was sorta sweet, too, at times, or well... Charming, I guess is the better word. At least he managed to make me feel tickling butterflies in my chest a few times..
Although as expected (by me anyhow), a few months later I'm by myself again, and I feel like it's time to let my emotional attempts rest in piece, until further notice.. I was still about as emotional as granite, if not diamond by now (If material density is a good scale for emotions, that is, just in reverse..). I told myself I couldn't be with someone again!
.. Liar liar. I was still studying then, and as such, meeting people regularly. So, almost starting to view my life as a comic strip loosely following a timeline: I find this gal. She's never been with a woman before, although busting her with having curiosity for other girls I make it my own mission to introduce her to it all..! Somehow, I enjoyed the following two months (roughly, rather blurry lines regarding when we got together and when we broke up..) - not in a passionate loving way, but I felt oddly entertained by "breaking in" this girl.. It was fun, anyhow. Until her mental instability and bad habits finally did my head in... She bit. Rawr! Randomly. Anywhere. Anytime. Hard. Really, fucking, hard. It was sort of masochistically cute to start with, then it became annoying, then it became a living nightmare.. Anyhow - she also had mood swings like a hamster in a wheel. On Meth.
Anyhow. That ended, as much as I partially enjoyed it, and I haven't had a lover nor even a one-night-stand since then.
Now.. Back to the cold and boring, present day. Having moved yet again, to a place where I still live (redundancy strikes again)! Although this time, my social tentacles sedated, sawed off, mutilated.. I have no real friends around here. Regardless.. A few months back, this question first started bugging me for real..
I have no idea how to identify myself sexually.
I've actually felt something again, lately. I've missed things.. I've craved things (I smoked again briefly, thanks to my friend offering a cig in a particularly weak moment. Managed to stop again though..). Dreamt of things.. And things, have made me smile, frown.. Laugh, cry. And even feel that fuzzy warm feeling in my tummy, tha' kinda thing you feel when you realise you might be falling for someone.. Or, as it were, falling flat on your face for someone. And not just one..
I fell for a girl. I fell for a man. I fell for someone I didn't even properly know the gender of (internet relations) until recently. And I missed my old girl.. It's all good, though. Because I feel something. Or at least, periodically I felt things again, and it was great.. And awful at the same time. I had almost gotten used to being a stiff at heart. But the question rings in my head over and over...
Am I gay? Am I straight? Am I bisexual? Or maybe asexual by now? Haven't even held my arms around anyone in a gesture of affection for over a year.. Parents non-withstanding.
Am I gay, because women turn me on? Am I straight, because I let the boys charm me, and make me flick affectionate smiles once in a while? Am I bisexual, because I do both at the same time...? Or a-sexual, because I feel no real motivation to find and be with either of them..
It's like my body is cut in half.. Yet interconnected in awkward, difficult ways. I love girls, women.. Beautiful. Sensitive. Passionate.. And they just make me feel good. I don't care to find a reason for that - they just do. Then on the other hand, the boys.... They can charm me. Make me smile at things I dislike, enjoy the things I hate, and admit to things I would normally dismiss.
I can't say the guys attract me physically like women do, it's more a personality thing (Personality counting for women as well obviously).
Whenever I think about sex, passionate loving, I think of a woman. Whenever I think of regular life, distant goals in life, imagining what I'll be like in 10 years.. I see men.
What defines sexuality? I mean.. I know that the above is a kinda materialsitic, blunt view on things - and personally I often tell people that sexuality in and of itself is a pointless label - you like who you like, and it doesn't matter what gender it happens to be.
But now that I'm that situation myself, I suddenly feel like I want to label myself.. I want to know what way is right. What way I should go.
It's like my Aspergers.. I recently got the official, real-deal diagnose. On paper. I can show for it now.. And while I don't really care about it - I like who it makes me, I think of it as a feature, not a fault... I still felt great relief from actually being able to show for it.
Something about being able to say "Well I'm different, and I have the papers to show for it!" while at the same time that's completely ridiculous..
Anyhow. I don't know if this made any sense, or anything. But it feels like I'm "coming out" to myself again every other week.. One day I'll be dreaming of pretty women, the next I'll be dreaming of charming men.. If someone asked me about my sexual orientation, at this time I'd probably just laugh in reply. A sarcastic, cynical kind of laugh.
I don't feel confident in myself. Could I be with a man, safe from the danger of falling for a woman suddenly? Vice Versa? The answer is no...
And as the silly fool I am, I won't really get together with someone unless I can at least pretend to be a safe bet. I don't want to be that girl that ran off for some other person mid-relationship. But right now, I am that person.. Hence I subtract the "in a relationship" part. Which nullifies the whole damn thing...
I don't know if there's a single, cohesive question anywhere in this post, that you can reply to. But I just needed to get this out of my system.. Or at least, start processing it somehow.
My sincere condolences if you actually read all of this shite, but, thanks anyway... As per usual, I write small novels whenever I touch a forum! Ah well
~Chrissy _________________ Ranting and moaning since 1988.
Sat Oct 24, 2009 2:28 am
storybellz
Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Posts: 241
Location: U.S.A
I liked reading your post. Thank you so much for sharing your story! I especially enjoyed reading the various analogies you included---such as the one about how knowing your sexuality is like having that diognosis of Aspergers on paper. That does make a lot of sense.
And, my formor best friend is un-officially an Aspie. So, that part got me thinking aboout her...
So, yeah...thanks.
Sat Oct 24, 2009 4:03 am
Eilidh Moderators
Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880
((((Chrissy))))
Thank you for sharing your story and welcome back! As much as I can imagine this roller coaster has been nerve-wracking for you, I still feel the need to ask why you need choose one particular identity now and forever. As I'm sure you've heard before, sexual identity is fluid: we are what we are when we are it. There's no need to identify as "purely" lesbian or bi or straight or ace (bonus points to you for correctly defining asexual). We can be each of these or all of these or none of these in any given point in time. Yes, it's nice to have a label -- labels make things neat and tidy -- but since when is real life neat and tidy? Sexuality is anything but simple. Just be who you are, whoever you are, at the point in time you are it. Got it?
Feel free to question my logic and/or ask for clarification
~Eilidh
Sat Oct 24, 2009 5:41 am
storybellz
Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Posts: 241
Location: U.S.A
Woah! We sure do have some smart ladies on this forum! Very well-versed ladies! I just love the way you worded this, Eilidh! And, btw, i totally agree with sexuality being fluid---and thank goodness it is! It gives us hope and chances with so many more people!
quote:Originally posted by Eilidh:
((((Chrissy))))
Thank you for sharing your story and welcome back! As much as I can imagine this roller coaster has been nerve-wracking for you, I still feel the need to ask why you need choose one particular identity now and forever. As I'm sure you've heard before, sexual identity is fluid: we are what we are when we are it. There's no need to identify as "purely" lesbian or bi or straight or ace (bonus points to you for correctly defining asexual). We can be each of these or all of these or none of these in any given point in time. Yes, it's nice to have a label -- labels make things neat and tidy -- but since when is real life neat and tidy? Sexuality is anything but simple. Just be who you are, whoever you are, at the point in time you are it. Got it?
Feel free to question my logic and/or ask for clarification
~Eilidh
Sat Oct 24, 2009 9:07 am
Myth
Joined: 01 Oct 2007
Posts: 24
Location: Telemark, Norway
Ta for replies!
While reading this post back to myself after a good nights sleep I realise it all almost sounds like fiction... My way of writing, jeez!
But anyways - You make a very valid question Eilidh - and in fact I'm usually the one saying the same things you do. I touched on it a little in my original post as well.. But it's just strange how, when it now suddenly is about
me
, I can't think that way..
I guess my AS is part of it all. Our minds are (selectively) very systematic, logical, and needing to make sense of things. And we do it good, most of the time! But again, another AS trait, is the need for guidance in things often...
Not because we don't know how. We do. Not because we can't do it.. We can. It's just a motivational thing. I don't want anyone to do shit for me - that would annoy me. I don't want to be left alone, either, that makes me unsure.. I/we kinda need this balanced helping hand with things sometimes. Someone who doesn't push too hard, but doesn't give me too much slack either.
My first girlfriend possessed that skill - she handled me rather elegantly, and I haven't really found anyone able to do that again.. So, I'm often pestered by lack of decisiveness, action, motivation. Some friends try to help, but they don't really find that middle ground to take against me. Push me too hard - and I'll lock up and you can just simply forget about it for, you know, ever. Don't push me hard enough - and nothing'll happen. Us AS people generally
suck
at taking action on our own, so..
This all ties up to this simple (or not simple, depending) question of sexuality. I know, and I know it well - that I don't need to label myself. But at the same time, the "Aspie" (thanks for adding to my vocabulary!) in me is screaming for recognition and logic to come through.
It's an innate craving to, you know.. Sort things. Organize. Structure. Systematize.
Make sense of,
things. It's great sometimes, for some things, but for things that can not or should not be flattened into simple, boring, cold and hard logic - it's a huge annoyance..
It's rather confusing really! I feel like I'm fighting myself more than anything.
And, sorry if the way I write is horribly confusing sometimes.. I kinda think in images, and thats what I type down sometimes when it kinda gets lost in translation.. Metaphors and analogies everywhere.. _________________ Ranting and moaning since 1988.
Sat Oct 24, 2009 11:57 am
GreenEyedKiss Moderators
Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Posts: 682
Location: Barony of the Angels in the Kingdom of Caid.
Myth,
welcome back to Mels!
I enjoyed your post...it read like a good conversation...although I dont have any answers for you, other than to go with the flow and be who you are comfortable being...forget labels. Just be the best YOU you can be.
again, welcome back
Green _________________ "I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm getting it done." ~ADM
"What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others remains immortal"
Sat Oct 24, 2009 11:41 pm
Myth
Joined: 01 Oct 2007
Posts: 24
Location: Telemark, Norway
After some more contemplating on this yesterday and today, now that I got it out of my mind so to speak it feels a little better actually.. Thanks for just reading it, anyone and everyone!
Still have that urge to be pointed in the right direction somehow but, I dunno.. Maybe that'll happen once I find someone I really like, to start with (That'd be no small step forward right now lol) - I suppose there's as many variations of sexuality as there are faces.
I should stop caring about it! So that'll be my goal for now.. Stop thinking about it. _________________ Ranting and moaning since 1988.
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Metaphors and analogies everywhere..
