Oh God..I think I have a huge insecurity with men.. =/
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arcane
Joined: 26 Dec 2006
Posts: 22
Location: Philippines
Oh God..I think I have a huge insecurity with men.. =/
Ok..so I have this ex, somewhat..we're still together although there was no formal commitment anymore..but we still act as if we're still together as in together..you know..and yes, we still sleep together ^.^
So anyway, we've been together for 1 and a half year...I know she's been with several men..we've talked about it a few times..I like asking her about her past...and listening her stories about it...it makes me know her more in some way...I remember asking her how far she's gone with men..and she said it only gone to kissing and touching her breasts..that's it...that didn't really bother me at all...
A few days ago...we we're talking about something about virginity..and she just blurted out to me that she 'almost' did 'it' with a man..like they were both naked...and the guy tried to err..penetrate her but I didn't 'work out' coz she was hurting too much...so it didn't really umm... 'went in' so to speak...
When I asked her why she did it..she said she wanted to prove to herself that she was as straight as an arrow..it was a few years ago and she was still in a state of denial...the guy wasn't her boyfriend or anything..he was the brother of her bestfriend..
It was only one time..and she's really very sensitive..penetration hurts her..even with just a finger...and it bothered me...not because I can't be 'inside' her..but because of too much sensitivity..I hope she doesn't have any health problems related about it...
Anyway, back to the topic...so she told me about it..and I see her, in my mind, with a man..naked..and doing err...'stuff' and I have to admit I was shocked..I don't even know why it is such a big deal I think it was all written in my face that she asked me "Are you disgusted of me?" I was like of course not!
And she was like.. "It's ok..I understand.." and then there were tears on her eyes already...and I really felt sorry coz I know I offended her...and believe me, she wasn't the type who would cry in front of anyone..not even me..so I knew I had hurt her
really
bad...
Until now I'm still bothered about it...I think it's crazy already...Every time I would see heterosexual having sex, I see her with the guy instead...I think I'm being paranoid it's not even normal anymore..
I don't know why I'm feeling this way...I told myself and to her that I just didn't like the idea of someone else touching her the way I do..but then I didn't feel like this when she talked about her experiences with her ex girlfriends...this one is just...different..I can't seem to focus anymore...it's frustrating..
I know some of you might think it's not really a big deal..but we both grow up in a conservative culture and family so I hope you would understand And I've only been with a guy once...But it didn't felt right to me so it ended after 4 months..and no, he never got the chance to touch me or even kiss...I didn't like the thought of it...I think men scared me more than I thought...I just hate how most men seemed to be 'meat-lovers'.. they are just so addicted to sex it's annoying _________________ There are things in life that we do, not because we WANT to, but because we HAVE to..
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I think it was all written in my face that she asked me "Are you disgusted of me?" 
I was like of course not!
And I've only been with a guy once...But it didn't felt right to me so it ended after 4 months..and no, he never got the chance to touch me or even kiss...I didn't like the thought of it...I think men scared me more than I thought...I just hate how most men seemed to be 'meat-lovers'.. they are just so addicted to sex it's annoying 
