Hi, I haven't visited Mel's in quite awhile. I can't sleep tonight because my mind is racing. I know what's going on in my head amounts to small nothings, but I think part of me thrives on my dramatic thoughts.
4 and a half months ago my relationship of a year and a half ended. It was my first serious long term relationship and I believe I loved my partner.
In the last 3 months of the relationship my intuition was screaming at me to leave. I was feeling depressed and insecure and I believed the only way to get past my negative feelings was to break things off. Against my better judgement, and maybe simply because it was easier, I stayed in the relationship and became a person I hardly recgonized and really did not like.
I am still angry with myself because instead of using the relationship as a means to lift myself out of my depression I, almost methodically, began using it as a way to keep myself trapped in cycle of negative thinking. It was as if my girlfriend was my crutch, I was helpless, and everything that was wrong with me was her fault. My world suddenly seemed to revolve around her and most of what I was bringing to her was negative.
Of course, months later I can see this, although I may be overstating the case somewhat.For her part, she would most likely say that our relationship was not as bad as I am making it out to be, and I was not as bad a partner as I believed myself to be.
I suppose I am writing this tonight becuase I want to stop thinking about this relationship on a daily basis. My ex has moved on and I am still torturing myself with thoughts of her. The last time we spoke, she said we were just to different to continue dating and I agreed with her although I ended up feeling cheapened considering the length of our relationship and how strongly I had felt for her.
I know that when I think about her I am still wearing rose coloured glasses. I imagine how our relationship would be if we got back together and I get caught up in the fantasy of it. Its only in the last few weeks that I've taken the time to stop and remind myself of our communication problems, our fights, and the spotty history we've already written.
I think I'm near the point of moving on. The break-up did hurt me, but I'm getting tired of putting this much energy into feeling hurt. Part of me doesn't want to let go of the hurt though because that would be like letting go of the love and this is was my first genuine love relationship, so I'm not sure what I will do without it. I'm going to end it there. I hope I've made some sense and a few of you will offer your own input.
Wed Aug 27, 2008 9:29 am
Hawaiian
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 816
Location: Transplanted to Africa
When a relationship of mine ended after more than 10 years, I too thought too much about her, the whys, the everything. While a certain amount of that is a healthy part of the grieving process, for it to carry on indefinitely is not.
I had a little trick to stop thinking negative thoughts. I don't know if it will work for you. I wore a watch with a second hand, and when I would realize that I was slipping into a bad thinking pattern, I would note the time on my watch thinking, "ok, how long are you gonna obsess?" You'll be surprised but just the realization that I was slipping into a pattern was enough sometimes to stop it. If not, I would let myself think the though through for a minute, or 30 seconds, allow myself to deal with some of the pain, and then move on. I looked at my watch less and less, and now I wouldn't give my ex the time of day.
Rest well, Shamrock. _________________ 'A'a i ka hula, e waiho i ka hilahila i ka hale.
Dare to dance, leave your shyness at home.
Wed Aug 27, 2008 12:46 pm
Xalia1 Moderators
Joined: 05 May 2004
Posts: 3702
Location: In love
Shamrock,
I've been there too.
I had a relationship for 3 years...and when things ended, I found myself putting on those 'rose colored glasses' you spoke of. Suddenly everything I had found so wrong in the relationship ceased to matter, and all the good things piled up around me till I felt like I lost something precious I could never get back. That wasn't the case...the relationship had ended for specific reasons, and they were good ones, but it doesn't stop the heart from missing what it had does it?
I found comfort in friends and in my hobbies - one of which is karaoke.
Getting out the frustration by singing a song, or talking to a friend about things that were light light hearted, laughing, joking, etc...eventually it got less and less hard to think of my ex...because I was moving on. I still got a twinge once in a while, out of the blue...but I dealt with it kinda like Hawn said, asking myself how long I wanted to waste thinking about something that wasn't going to change. It worked.
My thoughts are with you hun. drop back by and let us know how you are.
Hugs,
Xalia _________________ Nobody said life would be easy...They just promised it would be worth it.
~♥♥~
~The words fail me.. because what I feel for you is beyond description...~
Fri Aug 29, 2008 8:26 pm
cupcakes
Joined: 18 Sep 2005
Posts: 324
Location: NY
Thanks for writing, Shamrock...especially the first half.
Sun Aug 31, 2008 4:59 pm
Angel1 Moderators
Joined: 09 Mar 2007
Posts: 1518
Location: U.K
I can't really add to what the other wonderful ladies have said.... but i would like to send you an abundance of positive thoughts, strength and courage in the hope that these combined energies will in some way help you into better brighter days.
(((((((((((((((((Shamrock)))))))))))))
with much love
Angel1 x x x _________________ "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience."
-Pierre Teilhard de Chardin (1881-1955)
Mon Sep 01, 2008 12:56 am
Shamrock
Joined: 16 May 2005
Posts: 31
Thanks for the responses, I appreciate them more than you know. My mindset has improved since my initial post. My personal and professional life have undergone some major changes in the past couple of weeks and that is making it a lot easier to gain some perspective.
I think sometimes the best way to move past a broken relationship is to throw yourself into something completely different and new. I moved cross country and found employment doing admin work for an industrial recycling company. Its a kind of work I've never done before, so doing it and doing it well, is helping me rebuild the faith in myself I think I had largely lost.
In the last few days especially I've thought of my ex, but haven't allowed myself to linger too long on those thoughts, I keep telling myself that I am missing a fantasy...one that I constructed, and one that would not be brought to life, even if my ex magically reappeared in my life. Its not even that I want her too...its simply the fact that I was (still maybe am) holding onto the belief that we were meant to be together. I cringe a little when I write that, but that really is the basis of it.
As time goes on it is easier to accept that I have to move on. Staying stuck in that pattern of thinking is only going to make me hate myself, and I really don't want to put anymore energy into that. I owe it to myself to move on, so I will.
One thing that is different in this break-up for me is my lack of desire to jump into another relationship. I will eventually do that, but for the first time in my life all I really want to do is focus on myself and making myself happy. Just because I'm not dating someone else doesn't mean I don't have the capacity to move on. I think single people move on just as much as someone who jumps into another relationship, It feels good to realize that. I rambled quite a bit with this post. For those of you who read it through, thanks a bunch.
Thu Sep 04, 2008 4:42 am
PipSqueak
Joined: 04 Jul 2008
Posts: 987
Location: S.W. England
Glad to hear you're feeling a it brighter. Just take it one day at a time. Good luck with the move and new job.
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