I so feel like I am going to implode from the inside lately. I love my family, I even love my husband, but that hole in my spirit..you know the one, the one where some of us bi people in the world never can fill cause they can't come out of the closet. When I hit 40, it really hit me, I will never explore that side of me that has been haunting me since I knew I was attracted to women..(around the age of 15).
I know alot of you were brave enough to divorce and find your true love, but for me right now I don't ever want to break my kid's heart, they love their father so. I just wish I could be happy. I have it all really. All except this idea that I am bi. (and having read this forum for 5 years now, I know I am).
Why can't I accept that sigh.
Fri Aug 29, 2008 1:54 am
NIC
Joined: 15 Aug 2005
Posts: 141
Location: Brooklyn NY
Hey hun
Can't you sit ur husband down and explain it to him?
If not maybe you should anyway.
You only have one life sweetie and it's ur's.
Perhaps doing all you want is the way to go
Much love and Luck
xx
Rose _________________
"For those who understand you,No explanation is necessary, for those who don't,none is possible."
Fri Aug 29, 2008 6:44 pm
fortheloveofagood... Site Admin
Joined: 17 Dec 2005
Posts: 2216
Location: loves land of plenty
((((((((((((((((karigan)))))))))))))))))))))
deep breath... in... and out... deeply...
i don't have any great words of wisdom, all i can say is self-acceptance is not easy... regardless... sounds like you#ve been / are coming out to youself, accepting you are bi. You don't have to do anything about it... just sit with it for a bit... no pressure...
try not to be scared, maybe you will never explore that side of you, and you may have to grieve for that? i don't know... but try not to beat yourself up for not being able to be straight...
and for now.... keep talking... tell us more about how you feel. what's going on. Keep that dialogue betwen you and what's going on inside of you, keep that channel open....
am listening...
Kx
Sat Aug 30, 2008 12:14 am
Angel1 Moderators
Joined: 09 Mar 2007
Posts: 1518
Location: U.K
((((((((((Karigan)))))))))))))
We hear you hunnie.....there are many women who have found themselves in exactly the same situation that you find yourself in.Take baby steps and don't be afraid to talk about how your feeling.We are all here to listen and we will support you in any way that we possibly can.Try to drop into chat sometime, you'll make many new friends in there and it does help to talk things over.
with love
Angel x _________________ "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience."
-Pierre Teilhard de Chardin (1881-1955)
Sat Aug 30, 2008 1:07 am
Karigan
Joined: 02 Feb 2008
Posts: 59
Thank you for listening to me, I guess I really need to go to therapy to come to terms with myself, being catholic, I feel a lightening bolt coming down at me at any time heh. I told my husband a long time ago about my attraction to women. He pushed it aside really, and sometimes makes fun of that side of me ( in a good spirited way I guess).
I even told my parents a year ago. But since then, no one has ever brought it up. But lately, I am very depressed. If I can't love myself, whom can I love right? I can't remember a time i was TRULY happy (cept when my kids were born of course).
So here I sit, depressed, lonely, and no where to turn. I am glad you all can listen to me, I know there are kindred spirits out there just like me.
I went into chat a couple of times and met a couple of nice people. but have yet to find someone in the same situation as me. I tend to think there is no one like me out there heh (I know that isn't true but have yet to meet anyone quite like me).
Sat Aug 30, 2008 2:51 am
Angel1 Moderators
Joined: 09 Mar 2007
Posts: 1518
Location: U.K
(((((((((((Karigan))))))))))))))))
First of all let me tell you that
( You are not alone
) you are among a group of wonderful, exceptional women here at *Mels* and we all really Do care.Give chat another go, even if you just pop in and sit on the sidelines(if that is what you wish for the time being) theres no pressure... baby steps at first, you'll get there sweetheart, withe the help and support from the awesome women here.
Now to cheer you up i'm just going to *Tickle your feet* till you laugh so much you'll cry
Rofl,i don't usually say things like that,i am becoming rather bold hehehe
with my love
Angel1x _________________ "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience."
-Pierre Teilhard de Chardin (1881-1955)
Sat Aug 30, 2008 4:36 pm
Phoenix Moderators
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 1664
Location: Tallahassee Florida
Hi Karigan,
I think there are several issues going on here. I thought I was bi when I first admitted that I am attracted sexually to women back in 1999. I enjoyed sex with my husband, but I was miserable with him. Unlike you, we did not have everything, and he had no ambition to provide more for our family. I am mother of 4 btw.
My now ex-husband was an extreme misogynist and made my life hell. I was always walking on egg shells, and just plain miserable and depressed. I finally had enough, and got a divorce with my kids ages six months, 2,4, and 7. Yes, it was hard, and it's not easy now, but I am happy.... I also know that I am a lesbian not bi now.
Your post confuses me because being bi-sexual is not about the sex of the person we are with, but just loving either a male or a female whomever wins our heart. If you are in love with your husband and monogamous, then you should be happy. What is missing in your relationship that you think you are missing by not being with a woman? To be blunt, it sounds to me like you want to experience that physical intimacy with a woman.
If it's just about sex then I say don't ruin your marriage by trying to get with a woman. If it's lack of emotional intimacy in your marriage, then seek marriage counseling and try to build that with your husband. True intimacy is precious, and requires great vulnerability that comes from trusting your lover. I can tell you for a fact that being with a woman does not guarantee you will get that. Khaleesi (My partner, friend, lover.....) and I work on that intimacy, but it takes time. We have lived together almost a year now, and each day it gets better.
If you don't have that need met within you after years of marriage, I recommend you seek it with him, and if it can't happen then you go from there, but don't think being intimate with a woman will fill that need within you. Yeh, the sex is different with most women compared to men, but it's still sex, and if you love your husband I can assure you that the sex won't give you that emotional intimacy you may be desiring.
I wish you well,
Phoenix _________________ "A little work won't hurt you bad, but just in case I'm wrong, you'll be smiling when they pronounce you dead." Amanda Marshall 'This could take all night
Sat Aug 30, 2008 7:48 pm
NIC
Joined: 15 Aug 2005
Posts: 141
Location: Brooklyn NY
Karigan,
Always feel free to contact me.
I have soooo been where you are right now.
It's tuff but it's nothing you can't handle!
Someone up there had great advice
Baby Steps
Thats the key to self acceptance.
The women on here are wonderful advice givers.
PM me if you need too
xx
Rose _________________
"For those who understand you,No explanation is necessary, for those who don't,none is possible."
Tue Sep 02, 2008 8:34 pm
Karigan
Joined: 02 Feb 2008
Posts: 59
Thank you for all your responses, I see myself in them unfortunately, and I know alot have been where I am now, I just don't know how strong I can be anymore. I feel I am in an abyss right now, and I am usually not one for self pity but I am at the point in life where I have to say is it all worth it? I alienated my friends so I don't have anyone really to talk to. I just sit night after night drinking way too much trying to drown myself in self pity.
Yes my marriage is pretty much we live with each other, but there is no emotion but to be there for our kids. I miss being held, loved. We went to counseling before. It didn't work. The counselor pretty much said I should of done more before I was married..experimented etc. Guess I was being the good Catholic girl and ignoring an important part of me that I didn't want to acknowledge was there. Now I can't ignore it much longer.
I guess what I need are friends. That is why I have visited MelsWeb now for over 5 years. I love reading the posts, just always afraid to reach out. Now I really need the comfort. I am in a bad place.
Wed Sep 03, 2008 2:05 am
Beyonce Welch
Joined: 09 Nov 2007
Posts: 97
Location: Chicago, Ill USA
((((((Karigan )))))
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