Joined: 29 Sep 2004
Posts: 1035
Location: First Star on the Right Straight on til Morning
Do I have to prove it....
I know that there is a thread going in which there is another person who is just recently out and having to find her place in lesbian society... and I do relate to that thread. Except I did not just come out. I am just tired of feeling like I have to prove I'm a lesbian to people. When I separated from my partner, a year and a half ago. All my friends, were like are you going to go back with men now? ( I had been married in the past. ) I guess I wanted to understand why they were asking, but I was hurt. Do I have to have a girlfriend to define me as a lesbian. Why? Do I have to go to GLTB bars to be a lesbian? Do I have to watch the L word to be a lesbian? Do I have to buzz my hair to be a lesbian? Do I have to go to pride parades to be lesbian? I happen to think not. I thought a lesbina is someone who is sexually attracted to other women. According to American Heritage Dictionary "n. A woman whose sexual orientation is to women. " is the definition of Lesbian. Not what hobbies I have or how I dress or anything like that. Does anyone feel that way too? Unfortunately our society and that includes the GLTB society, tries to come up with norms of what they expect a lesbian (or any other classification of people i.e. blacks, jews, mothers, ...) to be like. Even my new girlfriend, (Gawd, I love her to death, but even she...) before she got to know me thought I was probably a bisexual ( I have nothing against bisexuals, don't want to start a discussion on that topic right now) just because I have kids. Once she met me in person ( we met online ) she had no doubts, but still. Ugghhh! Tell me I am not alone, please. Why must I prove myself. _________________ Twilight, Her Royal Highness, The Queen of Fun and Games
The lengthening shadows wait The first pale stars of twilight. ~~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
Sat Apr 26, 2008 7:10 pm
Hawaiian
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 816
Location: Transplanted to Africa
Aloha twilight,
I would be the first to say that you don't have to prove yourself to anyone, and no you are not alone.
Fortunately, lesbians don't have a quick checklist like a Cosmo quiz...10-20 just curious, nevermind go back to men, 90-100 fire up the harley honey we got a spot in the parade behind the gay penguins float.
Seriously, if I'm reading your right, you are asking why must we constantly educate? Simple, people are ignorant. People, everyone. Period. If it isn't lesbians we're ignorant of, it's
fill in blank
. Is it a requirement to have to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony? (Dating myself) No, it isn't, but if you want harmony in your own little piece of the world, you do it. It's frustrating, tiring, and sometimes hurts like hell.
I came out 20+ years ago, and coming out has stretched way beyond the time I had figured. I'm doing versions of it all the time, will probably be doing it for the rest of the journey.
Good thing I'm wearing comfortable shoes.
~Hawn _________________ 'A'a i ka hula, e waiho i ka hilahila i ka hale.
Dare to dance, leave your shyness at home.
Sat Apr 26, 2008 8:41 pm
DarkChyldesKiss Site Admin
Joined: 29 Mar 2005
Posts: 3381
Location: Inner Sanctum
twilight,
Listen to what Hawn has posted and don't forget the comfortable shoes.
I'm turning 48 this year and still am amazed at what our community does to ourselves especially to those just coming out. I've been out since I was very very young and have heard about everything. I don't define myself because I go to a gay bar or any other gay function. All my friends are not gay. I don't pick friends on the basis of their sexuality.
My clothing isn't part of any lesbian uniform either. I live in a cowtown so I love wearing jeans and western boots thus I am a product of my environment to a certain extent. I buy clothes that suit me not because I'm a lesbian.
You don't have to own a sex toy to be a lesbian either! lol It seems everyone expects a lesbian to have a toy box filled to the brim.
Ignore the labels! I've spent a lifetime avoiding labels because it puts me in a box and I am so much more. Yes, its fun to take the tests but it doesn't define you. Have a giggle and move on. If I tried to define myself by tests I'd be in trouble! I fail most gay tests!
You are not alone.
You are the only person who defines yourself. You define yourself as a lesbian just as you define yourself as a woman.
Joined: 29 Sep 2004
Posts: 1035
Location: First Star on the Right Straight on til Morning
Thanks for your words ladies. I think I just had to rant for a bit. O, I am comfortable with who I am. I just wish I did not have to keep walking that road to show the rest of the world. Anyway, Thanks for listening to me rant! _________________ Twilight, Her Royal Highness, The Queen of Fun and Games
The lengthening shadows wait The first pale stars of twilight. ~~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
Sat Apr 26, 2008 10:58 pm
Beyonce Welch
Joined: 09 Nov 2007
Posts: 97
Location: Chicago, Ill USA
((((((((((( twilight )))))))))))) Beyonce
_________________ Hate is a four letter word
A day without makeup is equal to a day in purgatory
Dangerous when blonde
Tue Apr 29, 2008 8:08 pm
fortheloveofagood... Site Admin
Joined: 17 Dec 2005
Posts: 2216
Location: loves land of plenty
oh twilight i want to grumble with you. When i came out, oh you have long hair, you cant be a lesbian, oh why do you want to go there it's not gay, why do you read 'Glamour, Elle' etc - there for str8 chicks, it's like, i do what the hell i damn please, i didn't come out of the closet to be oppressed by you! Superficial crap.
wherever i go, whatever i do, whatever i say, think, feel, IS lesbian, because I AM LESBIAN, that makes it so.
So as has been said... You don't have to prove yourself. Just be you. And let others deal with their own narrowminds.
Kx
Tue Apr 29, 2008 10:12 pm
desert-fish
Joined: 13 Apr 2006
Posts: 2777
Location: deleted
twighlight....you are not alone.....i have been single more often than involved...so i know EXACTLY what you mean...
you have nothing to prove...you are what you are...and just because there's nobody in your life right now doesn't change a thing...definately it doesn't change your orientation just because you haven't found the girl you're looking for....
my best friend (who is straight) had this very charming thing to say to me when i told her i was gay (sans girlfriend and all)..-that my personality only makes sense to her in terms of me being a lesbian...
maybe that's partly why we get on so well...she sees it anyway...
my best wishes
sol
Wed Apr 30, 2008 2:18 pm
Phoenix Moderators
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 1664
Location: Tallahassee Florida
Per Dark.....
"My clothing isn't part of any lesbian uniform either. I live in a cowtown so I love wearing jeans and western boots thus I am a product of my environment to a certain extent. I buy clothes that suit me not because I'm a lesbian. "
SUCH A DYKE!!!!! LOL
cute too I bet in your wittle boots n jeans
pho _________________ "A little work won't hurt you bad, but just in case I'm wrong, you'll be smiling when they pronounce you dead." Amanda Marshall 'This could take all night
Thu May 01, 2008 4:29 am
findyourpassion
Joined: 24 Aug 2006
Posts: 82
Oh I hear you. So many people have this stereotypical image in their heads, and if you don't fit it, it's like you can't be lesbian. I was with a group of classmates working on a take home exam, and somehow the conversation turned to one of them having seen our professor in the supermarket with her girlfriend. I suppose she somewhat fits people's stereotype, and one of my classmates made a comment "fuck the dykes, we need some pretty lesbians" and how come all lesbians have to cut their hair and wear certian clothes blah blah blah. I know her, and I know she didn't mean anything bad by it, but it's just so ignorant. This whole stereotype thing drives me a little nuts sometimes. They don't know I'm gay, and I suppose I could have used the opportunity to prove them wrong, but instead I wrote a poem when I got home.
Another time this same girl was talking about her cousin who's never had a girlfriend and people said maybe your cousin is gay, and she said, no way she couldn't be, she's so girly! I did speak up that time and say that all lesbians aren't "butch." I kind of wish I had used the opportunity to say, "Would you consider me butch?" The answer would be no, and then I'd say, "Well, I'm a lesbian."
Stereotypes are such a weird thing, because it's not like they come completely out of nowhere, but then people overgeneralize them to apply to everyone in the group being stereotyped, which is inaccurate.
The poem I wrote about lesbian stereotypes-
fuck the dykes she said
fuck you
i am a dyke
you look at me
you don’t have a clue
i don’t have short hair
we need some pretty lesbians she said
what if I told you I am one
i am a lesbian
you wouldn’t believe it
i don’t have short hair
you ask if I have a boyfriend
of course not
i’m a dyke
but I don’t have short hair
you think I’ll go find a man
have a couple kids
and maybe a dog
won’t you be surprised
when I say to you
i’m a dyke
fuck the dykes she said
fuck you
i am a dyke
but I don’t have short hair
Sat Jun 14, 2008 3:30 am
newbeginning
Joined: 17 Apr 2008
Posts: 42
Great Poem! Sums it up really well!
I've only just realised I'm gay in the last few weeks and those are the kind of questions I'm getting Twilight. I have spent a long time denying it to myself, and now I'm becomming comfortable with it.
I've always been attracted to women and although I've been married and have 2 kids, I know now that I'm a lesbian.
I am going to take my time in starting a relationship with anyone, I have realised there is no need to rush.
Sat Jun 14, 2008 3:59 pm
stronger211
Joined: 27 May 2008
Posts: 25
what frustrates me is people seeing my being a "lesbian" as my defining characteristic. I refuse to let that be my defining characteristic. Being a "lesbian" only effects who I choose to love and spend my life with. I haven't changed as a person because I decided to date my best friend. Many people are set on believing that and it frustrates me. My girlfriend has some friends she knew before I came around. When they met me, they made some really off comments because I didn't fit the "stereotype" that they cling to so dearly. I was made to feel as though Im not gay enough for my girlfriend... well its 4 years later and Im still here!
Sun Jun 22, 2008 7:08 pm
quirkz
Joined: 03 Apr 2008
Posts: 11
Location: Los Angeles, CA
I can relate because I've recently come out, my friends that I've made in the gay community have been great...it's more so the women I will date in the future that I worry about. I haven't dated any women and that can be a big deal with some women out there. Some don't want "first timers" but keep in mind that they were someone's first timer once upon a time ago. I'm more interested in making friendships but this little fear is in the back of my head. I also get people who are in disbelief because I'm more on the feminine side and don't give off the "gay vibe" but I don't mind that, I don't associate with them so it's not much of an issue. I feel like people will say the same thing about me when I date someone,
stronger211
, that I'm not gay enough.
congrats on 4 years! that's awesome!
Tue Jun 24, 2008 1:52 pm
charliegirl
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 98
Location: Queensland Australia
I have a 4 year old son, so I must be straight right!!! I hear that all the time in my town. Its a small country town and yes I tried to be "normal" I dated men, never lasted longer than a week cause I hated the idea of sex with them. Then I listened to my inner voice and told the town to go jump, I AM lesbian and deal with it. No its not that I just havent had the right guy yet, or that no one has been good to me. I dont want to be with men, clear cut simple. Oh labels, oh small towns and such lol! Thats my rant, lol!
Sat Jul 05, 2008 4:20 am
nobodysangel
Joined: 15 Jun 2007
Posts: 429
Location: TN
I can relate to how you are feeling. To begin with I hate labels..always have.. It's never made sense to me how a gay person or a lesbian is supposed to '' look'' anyway...do we look any different than a straight person...We are all just people..regardless of skin color or your heritage...we are all human beings. In my case, I'm told all the time that I don't look like a lesbian..I have long hair, wear make up and jewlery..As my fiancee says, I'm a girly girl...lol...I consider myself a woman who happens to love women..Now that I'm engaged it's loving just one woman of course...you get the idea though...My 17 year old daughter is a lesbian. I have taught her to be proud of who she is...not to conform to anyone elses standards..she is a well behaved young lady who gets good grades, has never been in trouble with the law..Her goal is to graduate high school and go on to medical school. She wants to be an ob-gyn....I am soooooooooo proud of her... The only thing I can say is be proud of who you are. You will always run into ignorance and stupidity...just smile, makes them wonder what you are up to....hope some of this made sense....Stay true to yourself..the rest will fall into place... _________________ Riding the single train, and loving every minute!!
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Beyonce
The only thing I can say is be proud of who you are. You will always run into ignorance and stupidity...just smile, makes them wonder what you are up to....hope some of this made sense....Stay true to yourself..the rest will fall into place... 
