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Whatever

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Joined: 14 Apr 2008
Posts: 9

Whatever

Hi... (there is some explicit content ahead, you've been warned)

Well, I'm very frustrated and have been on and off for the past several months. When I first joined this forum/site, I expressed my feelings of bi-curiosity and how I was unsure whether I was a sexual lesbian woman or asexual straight woman. Shortly after that I did further soul-searching (it seems I never stop for a second) and began to wonder if maybe I am an asexual lesbian. Now I am back to thinking I am 100% sexual lesbian. The situation being, is that I keep going back and forth from one "team" to another. So this frustration has also resulted in almost depression?! I'm sick of it. I just want to know who I am NOW. Screw going through some "meaningful" or "beautiful" life journey to find out who I am on the inside... I want to know now. I wish I could look it up on google or something, I'm that desperate!

I know I have some kind of a sex drive. I know I feel nothing when watching straight porn and well, want to masterbate after watching lesbian porn. I know I form stronger emotional relationships with women as opposed to men. I don't know.. maybe I just feel all of these things because I can't make up my mind so I've convinced myself it's all legitimate. I don't know!!! And I wish I could almost date a girl and see what happens. That is another issue unto itself though. I feel like my world would come to an end if I was to be openly gay. I feel like I would lose my friends and family and it might even affect my career. Isn't that awful?! It's like having an unnatural phobia, and phobias are already unnatural aren't they?!

It's not like I haven't gone into the chat room and tried to talk to other women.. I just feel like a fraud and that everyone can see that as well. So I haven't been into chat as often. Has anyone experienced anything similar?

At this point I think I'd be better off alone my whole life and just put on a happy face. I don't want to care anymore.

Sat Jul 05, 2008 2:57 am

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