Came out....and then went right back in again. Help
Have you ever felt this way? You came out and then went back in?
Yes
83%
[ 5 ]
No
16%
[ 1 ]
Total Votes : 6
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HeRO
Joined: 21 Mar 2008
Posts: 4
Came out....and then went right back in again. Help
So it's been...okay, I can't reallly remember how long it has been since I've been out--I always thought that would be a day cemented in my mind forever and although I remember the day itself, I don't remember when it was. I guess it was between 1-2 years ago, while I was still in college. I was either 22 or 23 years old and I came out to my family (minus my dad). Everyone's reaction was...well it's hard to explain. Reallly, my siblings didn't care. They were like, "Okay." and I was like, "You don't care?" and my sister went, "No, why would I?" So I was like, she's done, moving on. My brother was like, "You are? Hmmm..." and I was like, "Well?" and he just looked at me and said nothing and I asked, "Do you care? does it make you feel weird?" and he said no and I was like, "All right." With my mom, I had a slightly different scene. She was very positive and told me she loved me no matter what but she had a lot of questions, how did you know? when did you know? are you sure? etc. But in the end she was like, well whatever you choose doesn't matter. You should have never thought that it would.
In essence, my coming out was NO BIG deal, that is to everyone around me except...well myself. We are a pretty liberal family (minus my dad who is borderline...liberal in many ways and then ultra conservative in some).
So anyways, I came out and I was REALLY happy for a while. For the first few weeks I felt I could be honest with my feelings. But slowly I just fell back into the routine about being QUIET with my feelings about women. So slowly, I feel like I have gone BACK into the closet. I mean, it's almost like I came out and went, "There it's done. I did it, now can't I go back to pretending?" and it's really awkward for me to be open about anything relating to SEX in general because we didn't grow up talking about that. For instance, if my sister finds a guy attractive, she might say he's cute, but she'll never be too descriptive, "He's hot" or "Nice abs," whatever....it's all pretty much just general stuff, so I don't feel at all comfortable saying, I love so and so (insert female) because we don't do that in our family.
I guess my problem stems from my mother. She isn't anti gay or anything but she WORRIES a lot about what other people think. In fact, she's made her entire family a bunch of worriers who suffer from anxiety and depressing. It's a cycle in my family. Most of us suffer from low self-esteem and are not at all confident, gay or straight.
So, if I ever get BRAVE and start a conversation, say when we are out at a restaurant, about being a lesbian, my mom will be like, "Shhh..." and sort of tell me to speak in a whisper. This always upsets me and I DONT whisper and that in turn embarrases HER and then her reaction HURTS me and we just end up getting upset.
Deep down inside I guess I have the message that although being gay isn't BAD, it is something you should HIDE.
And being upfront makes me VERY NERVOUS and it STRESSES me out.
I mean, jeez, I can't even watch a man kissing a man or a woman kissing a woman in front of people because I get so twitchy and when I'm by myself, that doesn't happen. I don't look at it as weird or anything, just normal...I just wish I could have come out of the closet and STAYED OUT.
Any advice?
Fri Mar 21, 2008 7:26 pm
bellatrix_18
Joined: 23 Apr 2007
Posts: 55
Location: U.K.
Hey. Just to let you know I felt exactly the same recently. I came out to my sister 4 years ago... she betrayed me and I got pushed straight back in the closet and 'forgot' i was gay. Even went out with a man for 2 years (the worst decision i ever made!) but then i realised who I was and came out again almost a year ago.
BUT even now after coming out twice i still don't feel fully comfortable speaking about it. I got a positive reaction when I came out for the second time. My mum sounds quite a lot like yours. Everything that doesn't fit the 'norm' has to go on behind closed doors. So i felt very uncomfortable being openly gay. Its like I felt like I wanted talk about it but physically couldn't. like a kind of block or fear about having an opinion.
Eventually, I started setting challenges for myself. Like 'next time I think a celebrity on TV is attractive I WILL say it' and things like that. It was so so scary because I didn't really fit the role of open lesbian before I tried... but it got easier. And the more i did it, the more 'normal' it became for my family to hear...therefore making it easier for them to accept me as gay. I think they thought 'ok thats fine' when I came out, but when it came to me actually being gay they were as nervous about speaking about it as i was... So me bringing it up more freguently helped them accept me.
Also, whenever my mum acted funny about me being gay I reminded her that it hurt me and felt like she was ashamed or embaressed by it. I don't know how open you are with your mom but it helped mine understand that her actions were affecting me.
I hope this helps. I am still not 100% comfortable and open when it comes to being out... but I'm getting there... Good luck getting back out there _________________ I Am Awake
Tue Mar 25, 2008 1:10 am
Beyonce Welch
Joined: 09 Nov 2007
Posts: 97
Location: Chicago, Ill USA
I am totally out - now - I don't regret my decision. My ( then ) bisexuality caused the breakup of my marriage. I have been totally lesbian the last twenty years. Beyonce _________________ Hate is a four letter word
A day without makeup is equal to a day in purgatory
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