Im totally confused, I have only ever had relationships with men but i have always had a "thing" for women" i think. Lately i have been wondering if i might just be a lesbian, my interest in men has gone down completely and although i havnt been activly seeking out female partners i have been thinking a lot more about having relationships with a women. The thing is I dont think i WANT to be a lesbian...the idea of having sex with a woman scares me and i wouldnt want to have to put up with the attitudes some people have against same sex relationships.
Surely if i dont WANT to be a lesbian then i mustn't be right?
Has anyone else struggled with coming to terms with the fact that you might be a lesbian?
I just dont know what to do...
Tue Jan 22, 2008 1:31 pm
realwoman
Joined: 05 Dec 2005
Posts: 1040
Location: under our tree in Africa
Re: am i? am i not? am i? am i not?
quote:Originally posted by Anonymous:
Surely if i dont WANT to be a lesbian then i mustn't be right?
Has anyone else struggled with coming to terms with the fact that you might be a lesbian?
Dear Guest
I think most of us, if not ALL of us, have struggled to come to terms with the fact that we are lesbian, because, as you say, who will choose to be something that will cause you heartache and will go against what 'society' says is acceptable?
The thing is, unfortunately, to be lesbian is more than a 'choice' one makes on a random day...
When I was about 15 or 16, I knew that I was kinda embarrassed in the company of certain women... but I did not know why, all I knew was that i am NOT a lesbian, and i will NEVER be one... The women I thought were lesbian scared me, like the shot put teacher with the white mens shirt and men's trousers and boots... I NEVER wanted to be like that... The women I were attracted to, well, I told myself I just like them for who they are, and I would like to be friends with them, but some, I shied away from even going in the same room with them, because I was scared of them... no, let me rephrase... I was scared of what being close to them did to me...
So, I avoided such women, and I hid that part of me deep deep inside myself, and tried to date guys, but, well, frankly, they did not do it for me... I even tried to have sex with a (very nice) guy, and almost barfed on him... I could just not do it, and face myself... so I thought there was something wrong with me... as I am NOT a lesbian, but I cannot find a guy that makes my heart beat faster either... I thought I was doomed for a very lonely life... and ended up being celibate for 12 years.
And one day, when I was about 37, I realised, and told myself, you know, the Bible says the greatest of all laws is this :
Love God above everything else, and love thy neighbour LIKE YOU LOVE YOURSELF"
I realised that I cannot love others if I do not love myself the way God made me, and if I do not love myself the way God made me, then I am throwing the beauty of that creation away... I also realised that this whole thing, fearing to be with a woman was not because the idea of being with a woman scared me, it was because what I might discover about myself scared the hell out of me... On that day, I decided to love myself the way I am, and to stop being afraid of who I am (see my signature below). Yes, I wasted 20 years of happiness, in which i struggled, but from that day, my life became peaceful, and I found happiness...
So, my advice to you is this... stop listening to what society tells you what is right and wrong ... listen to your heart. Being a lesbian is not a choice... deciding to accept yourself for who you are, that is the choice
Do read around on these threads (have a look at this one in particular : http://www.melswebs.com/generalboards/viewtopic.php?t=1725 - it describes the phases of accepting yourself, from denial and resistance to full acceptance), and if you feel comfortable, please register as a member here at Mels, and come and talk to us in chat
All the best on your journey!!
Hugs
~real _________________ .
.
light is to darkness as love is to fear...
Tue Jan 22, 2008 2:48 pm
Eia
Joined: 06 Dec 2007
Posts: 34
oh believe me, i dont WANT to be a lesbian either! it has costed me more pain and heartache then i would have ever wanted, but, really, deep down, i know i dont choose who i am attracted to, or who i fall in love with, i am who i am. no want, or choice involved.
me and my girl sat up in bed talkin about this very issue last weekend, on how we didnt really WANT to be lesbians, b/c life would be alot easier if we werent. but we also realise that we wouldnt have eachother, or know who our true friends and supporters were.
So yes, i agree with u in that there is alot of negativity out there with being a lesbian, and hats off to you if you can just choose not to be, but keep in mind the rewards aswell. you will have a women, someone that understands ur body, ur needs, and ur mood swings. your best friend, that can fulfill your every want and desire. so to me, thats worth it!
wish you luck!
Eia
Wed Jan 23, 2008 1:13 am
OceanWaves
Joined: 20 Jul 2007
Posts: 16
Location: Seattle
quote:Originally posted by realwoman:
Dear Guest
I think most of us, if not ALL of us, have struggled to come to terms with the fact that we are lesbian, because, as you say, who will choose to be something that will cause you heartache and will go against what 'society' says is acceptable?
The thing is, unfortunately, to be lesbian is more than a 'choice' one makes on a random day...
When I was about 15 or 16, I knew that I was kinda embarrassed in the company of certain women... but I did not know why, all I knew was that i am NOT a lesbian, and i will NEVER be one... The women I thought were lesbian scared me, like the shot put teacher with the white mens shirt and men's trousers and boots... I NEVER wanted to be like that... The women I were attracted to, well, I told myself I just like them for who they are, and I would like to be friends with them, but some, I shied away from even going in the same room with them, because I was scared of them... no, let me rephrase... I was scared of what being close to them did to me...
So, I avoided such women, and I hid that part of me deep deep inside myself, and tried to date guys, but, well, frankly, they did not do it for me... I even tried to have sex with a (very nice) guy, and almost barfed on him... I could just not do it, and face myself... so I thought there was something wrong with me... as I am NOT a lesbian, but I cannot find a guy that makes my heart beat faster either... I thought I was doomed for a very lonely life... and ended up being celibate for 12 years.
And one day, when I was about 37, I realised, and told myself, you know, the Bible says the greatest of all laws is this :
Love God above everything else, and love thy neighbour LIKE YOU LOVE YOURSELF"
I realised that I cannot love others if I do not love myself the way God made me, and if I do not love myself the way God made me, then I am throwing the beauty of that creation away... I also realised that this whole thing, fearing to be with a woman was not because the idea of being with a woman scared me, it was because what I might discover about myself scared the hell out of me... On that day, I decided to love myself the way I am, and to stop being afraid of who I am (see my signature below). Yes, I wasted 20 years of happiness, in which i struggled, but from that day, my life became peaceful, and I found happiness...
So, my advice to you is this... stop listening to what society tells you what is right and wrong ... listen to your heart. Being a lesbian is not a choice... deciding to accept yourself for who you are, that is the choice
Do read around on these threads (have a look at this one in particular : http://www.melswebs.com/generalboards/viewtopic.php?t=1725 - it describes the phases of accepting yourself, from denial and resistance to full acceptance), and if you feel comfortable, please register as a member here at Mels, and come and talk to us in chat
All the best on your journey!!
Hugs
~real
That's one of the most eye-opening things I've ever read. Seriously. Your post articulates so many of the things I've been feeling myself, but just couldn't find the words for.
I've been debating for ages on trying to date a woman, but have been so confused by my feelings. I think it may be time to just accept who I am and put myself out there. That guest was not me, but I'm glad they posted! Take care all. _________________ ~*Ocean Waves*~
Sat Jan 26, 2008 2:58 pm
realwoman
Joined: 05 Dec 2005
Posts: 1040
Location: under our tree in Africa
~smiles
((((((((((WAVES))))))))
Thank you for your kind words - it really warms my heart that my words could mean something to you. I am just glad that there is a place like Mels... I did not have a place like this when I went through this difficult time, and being here, both as a member and as an administrator, gives me the opportunity to perhaps making the road easier for someone else, than it was for me...
One never knows whether you are actually achieving this, and thank you again ... your words made me realise that i am indeed (at least somewhat) succeeding in trying to give something back to this wonderful place
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I could just not do it, and face myself... so I thought there was something wrong with me... as I am NOT a lesbian, but I cannot find a guy that makes my heart beat faster either... I thought I was doomed for a very lonely life... and ended up being celibate for 12 years.
