For all of my life, I've struggled with myself - there was a time when I was ashamed of being gay, there has been a time when I've been proud of it. I'm in a long-term relationship at the moment (we're both women) but now I have started to question myself am I truly lesbian or bi.
My gf is really intimitated by guys but I want to be friends with them. We are in a long-distance relationship so it's really hard to be without her (most of you can relate to that right?). Just recently I did - no I let a guy - touch me. This guy happens to be one of my best friend's boyfriend. I kind of feel terrible about it but there's a little part of me who wants to find out what would it feel like to be with a man. This guy is also very sweet and nice. I don't know what to do anymore.
Not only I cheated my gf but I also cheated my friend and I'm not the kind of person who would do that..he was really like asking me questions about me and being lesbian and everything and kept hinting me he wants to do something with me. I stopped him at first but after a while, I let him do it. I just kept thinking of my gf and how bad it is and whatever but part of me wanted it. There was just bigger part of me who stopped him, gladly he did. We swore we never tell anyone and like nothing happened and I wasn't there. I told him, too, that he messed up my mind - he really did!! Now I'm so lost, I don't know what to do anymore. Please, let me know what you think and any kind of advice would be great!
Sun Feb 25, 2007 3:18 pm
Guest
Please, any advice needed what to do.
~anonymous~
Mon Feb 26, 2007 2:39 pm
realwoman
Joined: 05 Dec 2005
Posts: 1040
Location: under our tree in Africa
Dear Guest
U ask for our thoughts, as well as advice on what to do, in your situation - which, if i read it correctly, is that u are in a long distance relationship with a woman, but then had an incident of infidelity (in this case with a guy, who is the b/f of your best friend), and because of this, you are questioning your being a lesbian...
Now my thoughts, for what it is worth, are as follows - there are a few issues that are seemingly at play here, and it is important not to let them get all confused and tangled up.
The first issue is the one of infidelity - it does not matter whether u cheated on your girlfriend with a guy or with another girl - the fact remains that it did happen. U need to examine the cause of this - u mention one reason, namely that u are maybe not lesbian, but bi, but i must be honest - that just sounds like an easy way out.... I think the reason may lie deeper than that, because infidelity does not happen due to labelled identities... it happens because of problems in the relationship itself, or in issues that one or both the partners may experience. Finding the root cause in the relationship, and digging into yourself, may result in finding the reason why this happened, and once that root cause has been identified, something can be done to change it.
Now for the second issue...u question whether u are a 'true lesbian'... The important thing to remember here is that the word 'lesbian' is but just a label that society uses to describe woman who love woman, emotionallly, spiritually, intellectually, and physically, and sometimes these woman accept this label for themselves, and embrace it. Some woman, however, do not like this label, and some have a huge struggle with it, due to the fact that society sometimes associates something negative to this label.
However, the label 'lesbian' does not mean that these woman do not love or even like men at all - i have a daddy and three brothers that i love to bits, as well as a busload full of male friends... it simply means that they love woman and want them to be their romantic partners..
What is important to remember is that, above all, you are HUMAN... and humans make mistakes, they err, they end in situations where they are confused, but that is precicely what makes them human... and how they deal with, and overcome, these mistakes, is what is WAY more important than whether u accept or reject any other label that society may assign to you...
Hoping that this will help, and that you will find peace
Hugs,
~real _________________ .
.
light is to darkness as love is to fear...
Mon Feb 26, 2007 4:19 pm
Guest
Thank you for your response to me. I really appreciate it . To be honest, I'm not just a guest here, I just can't log in here because my gf knows my passwords and everything and she might come check it - I'm not sure, but it might happen. Therefore, I need to be anonymous in this case.
Maybe labelizing what I am is an easy way out, but our relationship is perfect. I really feel like I found my soulmate, we get along so easy, we always have. The other reason might be that just for one time, I want to feel like how would it really feel to be with a guy. I've never experienced that and I'm only almost 20. Like the guy said it - it's just finding new perspectives to be with an outsider of the relationship (so I guess, he has cheated before, this wouldn't be his first nor last time to cheat.)
I have also sworn I would never cheat on her, like her earlier experiences has. Besides, I'm not the kind of girl, who would do something like this. I have never ever done it and I wouldn't do it with another girl. Could it be because I'm young and am curious how would it feel to be with a guy yet still being a 'true lesbian'? Although, I do find some guys attractive (this guy is attractive and so funny).
I don't have a clue what's going on at the moment. I can hide it really well that nothing has happened and be the 'normal' way, without her suspecting anything. I'm still thinking of him, even though it's a little blur and doesn't seem real what has happened nor do I regret it. All I know is that this guy messed up my mind completely. I guess that's what guys do well.
Thanks for your thoughts and help real!
Hugs.
~anonymous~
Mon Feb 26, 2007 8:54 pm
Mairi bheag
Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 5094
Location: Scotland
quote:Originally posted by realwoman:
The first issue is the one of infidelity - it does not matter whether u cheated on your girlfriend with a guy or with another girl - the fact remains that it did happen. U need to examine the cause of this - u mention one reason, namely that u are maybe not lesbian, but bi, but i must be honest - that just sounds like an easy way out.... I think the reason may lie deeper than that, because infidelity does not happen due to labelled identities... it happens because of problems in the relationship itself, or in issues that one or both the partners may experience.
I am going to question this slightly, for a simple reason. From my reading of the situation you are very young. Young people make mistakes, young people experiment, young people feel their way through new emotions, sensations, and experiences... sometimes a little out-of-control. Although there is an important lesson to be learned about fidelity - and yes, what you did was not right - I don't want you to burden yourself with guilt. As a young person, you have a lot on your plate already without beating yourself up about what happened. It may be a little early in your life, and in your No1 relationship, to worry too much about what's going wrong in it. You are only just starting on the journey, and you haven't got properly into your stride yet.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go on being who you are. Embrace the "Lesbian" label if you wish, but remember that what you bring to it is diversity, not conformity. You do not buy a package of ideas by being a lesbian.
Lots of love to you.
Mb
xx
_________________ all posted material (c) Marie Marshall, unless otherwise stated.
Tue Feb 27, 2007 1:09 pm
Guest
Maybe I shouldn't try labelize me at all, I am who I am. Sometimes it's just hard to be thinking that I would be something else than a lesbian because of my gf. If I say to her that I consider some guy cute, she starts to defense and is afraid I'll turn out to be straight or will go for a guy.
Lately, I've been having really vivid dreams about him and thinking 'what if i had gone all the way..' or what's gonna happen if we are in the same room again, just the two of us (specially if I'm tipsy or something). IF I was single, I would understand myself more but I'm not. I don't want to think about it but for some reason I can't stop thinking about it.
Thank you, Mb. You made me feel somewhat better. Appreciate your time and effort replying me .
~anonymous~
xoxo
Tue Feb 27, 2007 1:42 pm
fortheloveofagood... Site Admin
Joined: 17 Dec 2005
Posts: 2216
Location: loves land of plenty
Hey guest,
i'm not one for focusing on age, because we can all make mistakes, be finding ourselves, and exploring at any point in our life journey...
I think / feel, that if you want to explore your sexuality, whether it be because ur not sure of, or are questioning your orientation or you just want, different, or multiple sexual experiences, then it is best to do that when you are single, (unless of course you have the consent of your partner, and have an open relationship), and understanding this process of your sexual expression, as part of you, regardless of what sex u r being sexual with.
Maybe only time will tell if you in fact want to identify as lesbian, bisexual, straight or none of these labels apply to you.
But whatever you decide to do, you must think of the consequences your decisions will have on yourself and others.
Ultimately only you can decide what you think/feel is right for you.
All the best
Kx _________________ -----------------------------------------------------
'don't hate your enemies, it clouds your judgement'
~peace comes from knowing only love is real~
Tue Feb 27, 2007 2:19 pm
Guest
I know finding and exploring would be best to do when I'm single. That is why I'm so confused (well, one of the reasons) is because I've always been the one who has been saying "if you ever cheat on me, I can never forgive that or trust you again" yet I still go and do something like this.
This is why I can't trust guys - no matter what - they ALWAYS cheat on you. Finding something 'new' and like this guy said, he wanted to try it with me because I'm different.
I've been trying to think why I did what I did - could it be because I want to try a man? Could it be because he was so nice, funny and kept hinting me he wants me? Could it be because I am in a ldr and I just wanted to feel a body against mine? Don't know. Don't have any answers.
Tue Feb 27, 2007 4:21 pm
Mairi bheag
Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 5094
Location: Scotland
Don't agonise about it - move on.
Mb
xx
_________________ all posted material (c) Marie Marshall, unless otherwise stated.
Tue Feb 27, 2007 5:21 pm
Guest
Yeah, I should drop it for awhile. I'll let you know if something else will happen.
love,
~anonymoua~
Tue Feb 27, 2007 6:50 pm
Sommerfugl
Joined: 16 Mar 2006
Posts: 7
Geesh! Is anyone else here wondering if this is their girl? LOL
Tue Feb 27, 2007 11:50 pm
LostNLove
Joined: 08 Nov 2005
Posts: 40
Location: Texas/Conneticut
I know it is not mine...LOL she doesnt even know about mels.. _________________ Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.
Tue Feb 27, 2007 11:55 pm
Guest
I'm sorry if I came across like that, I don't want you to think it might be YOUR gf. I hardly no anyone here..
~anonymous~
Fri Mar 02, 2007 9:51 am
Guest
so i kinda have the same type of deal as guest only i said no because i get to see my gf today
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. To be honest, I'm not just a guest here, I just can't log in here because my gf knows my passwords and everything and she might come check it - I'm not sure, but it might happen. Therefore, I need to be anonymous in this case.
