This is my first post and I don't know where to begin.
I am married and yet I am also immensely attracted to women.
I don't know what else to say at this point.
Woman
Sat Nov 06, 2004 11:57 pm
topaz117
Joined: 12 Sep 2004
Posts: 44
Location: Southeast USA
Hi there,
This is my first time posting, too. Your situation is not at all unusual. Girls are raised to 'find the right man and have a family'. If our mothers did their job correctly, we feel that we must be married in order to feel complete. I married 14 years ago at the age of 25, and I'm amazed at how little I knew about my true self. Even though most of my marriage was okay, and I am basically a happy person, I always felt that something 'wasn't quite right'. After being married for years, and compensating with other things in my life(hobbies, starting my own business, etc.), I began to analyze why my relationship with my husband wasn't fulfilling me. I always felt closer to my female friends.
After one very intense emotional friendship, and a few months of therapy to deal with issues concerning my mother, I decided that it was time to really look inside myself to find out once and for all what was 'going on'. I was either really dense, or just didn't want to face things. My upbringing in a strict religious household kept things from surfacing, I think.
Anyway, last year my relationship with my husband(an unromantic kind of guy who never really tried to understand me) deteriorated, and we separated.
Through the midst of it all, although I wasn't looking at ALL for anyone else( I had enough to complicate my life) I met an amazing woman who was questioning things for herself. Both of us had never been in a real relationship with another woman, although she has known most of her life that she was attracted to females. Even though she married and had two children(I have none), and tried to find her sole source of happines through being a mother, she realized that she longed for a true relationship. We met on an internet bulletin board for a soap opera...again, neither one of us was 'looking'. I tried to resist what I was feeling for her, but we both realized that what we felt was 'real'. In the course of my business, I have met many people on the internet before meeting them in person, and I have also had email friendships with other women. That's how I knew that things were different this time around.
To make a long and beautiful story short, I moved three states away to live near her, and we are starting a new life together. Things are complicated in many ways (her children, living in the South, etc.), but we are so very happy with each other. We have been together for more than a year now, and I don't regret a single choice I made to be with her. I feel truly complete now, and I am in love with someone who not only understands me, but loves me for who I am. I have never let anyone else know 'all of me' before...but with her, I don't feel compelled to hold back any part of myself.
Long story, but one that is not that unusual, I think. When a woman nears 40, she begins to question who she really is, and then in her forties, she realizes that if she is to be true to herself, she must make the necessary changes to make it happen. I think this is why a lot of women are in their thirties and forties when they 'come out'.
Topaz
Sun Nov 07, 2004 2:38 am
DanceofSorrows
Joined: 29 Aug 2004
Posts: 2837
Woman...welll you said it...Hi
Welcome hun~
Dance
Sun Nov 07, 2004 6:21 am
Woman Guest
Thanks.
Topaz, I really appreciated you giving your experience. I do love my husband...and he is a good friend to me....
but you know there are things which tell me that all isn't 100% ok.
I'm beginning to realise that sometimes it isn't about men or women but people, and that I can feel attraction to women, but overall it would still have to be a very special woman for me to have a deep relationship with her.
I'm 31 so I guess there are quite a few years ahead. What I do find difficult though is that I've tried explaining to my hub about women, but he shot me down immediately saying "don't tell me you are bisexual!!!!"
Woman
Sun Nov 07, 2004 1:31 pm
Guest
It's nice that you feel comfortable enough with your husband that you tried to talk to him about it...some men can handle it, some men feel threatened. I never told mine because he would have judged me based on a religious standpoint, and wouldn't have been able to even try to understand. We are friends now, and we settled our divorce amicably.
You are right, sometimes it is not just men or women, sometimes it is just finding that special someone, male or female. That's how I felt, too...my partner and I have such a deep emotional relationship, and that's what I personally need from my partner. Some women are fine with being with a man, but getting their emotional needs met by their friends.
I wasn't entirely sure about the physical part of a relationship with a woman, and wondered how important it would be to me versus the emotional part---well...let's just say that a part of me surfaced with her that I had never experienced with a man. The physical relationship turned out to be so much more satisfying than I could have believed...sometimes I feel like a teenager again! That said, I could not have such a wonderful physical relationship unless the emotional part was there, as well as the tremendous amount of love I have for her. The final thing is just the complete, utter freedom I feel to be myself(physically and emotionally)...something I have never been able to do with a man. I plan to spend the rest of my life with her, but if something ever happens, I feel that I would never be able to be with a man again.
My advice to you is to not discuss this with your husband again, given his reaction. Search deep inside yourself and take your time to know the real you. Don't just 'bury' this and hope it will go away...it doesn't. I was in limbo for years and couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, when the answer was right there in front of me...something in myself just wouldn't let me 'go there' until the time was right, I guess. Part of me has always responded to women in more than a 'just friends' way, but my conscious mind wouldn't allow it to surface until it grew so strong it nearly drove me crazy!
My partner, "A", and I, have discussed over and over about how strong our bond, and we have made sure that our relationship is a healthy one by maintaining our friendships with others, and having full lives, but I sometimes think about losing her( in an accident, etc.), and I don't honestly know what I would do without her. I feel that I have waited all my life for her, and she is just so very precious to me. She has opened up her heart to me...shared her life with me..her children....
Enough for now...
J.
Sun Nov 07, 2004 4:54 pm
topaz117
Joined: 12 Sep 2004
Posts: 44
Location: Southeast USA
Oops..that last post was me...forgot to login!
Topaz ("J")
Sun Nov 07, 2004 4:56 pm
Riverstar
Joined: 19 Oct 2004
Posts: 9
I am pretty much in the same situation being married with kids. I have also told my hubby about my feelings but the only thing he said to me is you are willing to tear down 14 years of a life we built together for a feeling? So I pretty much keep my feelings inside, but lately I feel I am about to explode. Hang in there, I wish I could offer you emotional support but I am pretty much in the same boat and kind of a wreck myself .
Sun Nov 07, 2004 6:48 pm
Woman Guest
THanks again
Its really good to talk about all of this.
In years gone by I used to have a good sexual relationship with him, but recently I'm not really interested. Then sometimes I fantasise about being with a woman. At first I thought this was wierd, but now I sort of know why, how stupid can we be?
Sex isn't BAD with him, and I have had sex prior to this marriage with a couple of other men and it was really good. I don't know...
I'm afraid that one day I'll be in a situation where I'll be tempted by a woman and then I'll do something I might regret. Just recently I was at a party and a woman came on to me, she was older, and not really that attractive, but I was strangely "aroused" by it,...not aroused sexually as such, but just the idea that one day I might be at a party and a woman I do find attractive might do that...and how exciting that would be!!!
God. Or is that Goddess?
Woman
Sat Nov 13, 2004 6:09 pm
Riverstar
Joined: 19 Oct 2004
Posts: 9
I know how it feels to not be sexually attracted to your husband anymore..it really is depressing since lately all i have been thinking about is being with another woman (something I have never experienced..being the good catholic that I am I only slept with my hubby)..but now I am starting to crack ater years of hiding my true feelings and frankly I don't know what to do since I stand to hurt my hubby and kids if I ask for a divorce. If only I could of accepted myself years ago
Sun Nov 14, 2004 9:52 pm
Guest
It amazes me how many married women are out there feeling like this.
you have got to be true to yourself and most of all your heart or one day you will wake up old and will have never had the fantastic experience which is sex with another women.
Loving your husbands is duty mixed with strong feelings for him.Its not fair on them either.
you have got to let go and explore your fantasies or you will die wondering .
i came out when i was 28 and have lived a fab life ever since.
Go for it .one life one chance.
ps never married so maybe i dont understand but i have been with my g/f for 11 years.
Mon Nov 15, 2004 5:56 pm
Woman Guest
Hey Riverstar,
How old are you? LOL sorry, I'm now imagining us as "friends"...
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That said, I could not have such a wonderful physical relationship unless the emotional part was there, as well as the tremendous amount of love I have for her. The final thing is just the complete, utter freedom I feel to be myself(physically and emotionally)...something I have never been able to do with a man. I plan to spend the rest of my life with her, but if something ever happens, I feel that I would never be able to be with a man again.
