"I am not a lesbian but the girl I have a crush on is&q
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Loretta_ Guest
"I am not a lesbian but the girl I have a crush on is&q
I don't really know where to start...
...Maybe here: I have always liked guys. My first *huge* crush was on a guy, I was 11. (well, I do remember once referring in elementray school that I wanted to be a lesbian because they liked girls and I really liked my best friend --- xD).
And it went on. Non corresponded crushes, or dates, or whatnot, always with guys. I had this phase where I was a huge t.A.T.u. fan, which was the first time I stopped to think openly about my sexuality, and realized I liked men waaay too much to be gay. It was about the same time when I had a sexual experience with a very close (female) friend. We even repeated it, it was just fun and we went apart a good time later because of totally unralated reasons. I consider that one the craziest things I've ever done and something I will never regret, if not even be proud of.
Then why the hell am I posting here? Because of something that happened to me this year. I realized I am having a crush on a girl. I love to be with her, to talk with her, I keep thinking about her all the time, I just go to the MSN which I don't really have patience for to see her and chit-chat (tough she doesn't really talk much on MSN - at least to me ).
And I got so thrilled when I realized she is probably lesbian. It was something I actually sort of started daydreaming about.
Little Side Note: How did i know? Picture of two quite unclothed guys I posted on our college major forum, she commented she didn't like it, I thought 'yet another girl who doesn't find gays attrative', and MSNed her just to answer "meeeeeehh ". She said it was not because of that reason, but she wouldn't be telling why. I pushed the talk in a way to mean had *no* problem with what she 'wasn't going to tell'. She said
yeah, i sort of bi too
but no ideias
I confess I'm thinking if a) she was trying to mean she isn't going to flirt on me, so I didn't need to feel intimidated (I appear as completely heterossexual... and may be even more verbose on liking men than many girls) or b) She was meaning not give me hopes or c) I am overanalyzing all this...
Today I talked with my best friend. We sort of have an unparallel situtation of trust that tends to 100% as x goes to infinity, but is already very close. I was making a mess of myself while trying to say things in a coherent speech but eventually managed to. It was good to vent.
This post looks awfully confusing and I'm sorry... but this is sort of the way my head is... The stupid thing is that what worries me the most is that a crush can cut off on my stability (I'm recovering from a depression)...
...and I so like her.
Another weird thing... I don't feel like I have for women the same attraction I have for men. I can't say I ever thought of her in a really sexual way... but anyway the medication I'm on really cuts off the libido.
I always thought that if something like this ever happened... well, it wouldn't happen because I knew I wouldn't be fulfilled sexually without sex with a man, so it would be a risky thing to start. But right now it doesn't matter. And I see myself wanting to be with her, hold her, kiss her. Okay, I seldom did look at how one woman or another caught my attention in some way but... it was never *that* thing. This is all so new to me and I don't know any similar story.
Thanks for listening (or reading )
BTW I've been waiting for my registration e-mail for about two days. Is there some kind of problem with the forum?
Tue Oct 24, 2006 9:07 pm
Cavewoman
Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 2056
Location: nearby
Hi !
registration email?
as to your ramble.... breathe and live ... most good answers require time ( heck, look how long it took for you to group your thoughts and emotions and wanderings ! ) _________________ " The sorcerers in life are created within each of us" --- Lynn V. Andrews
Wed Oct 25, 2006 2:40 am
Hawaiian
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 816
Location: Transplanted to Africa
Loretta,
There is possibly a typo in your e-mail address.... says youremail@yahoo.
ca
. I have deleted your old account, so you can reregister with that same name. Please do so and respond, if it does not work, to the help address: help@melswebs.com.
Good luck with your friend and with your depression!
Aloha,
~Hawn _________________ 'A'a i ka hula, e waiho i ka hilahila i ka hale.
Dare to dance, leave your shyness at home.
Wed Oct 25, 2006 7:26 am
Loretta
Joined: 25 Oct 2006
Posts: 70
Location: Somewhere.
EDIT: Weee, got the e-mail
Thank you girls... My e-mail is right, it is @yahoo.
ca
. No I'm not canadian, very stupid story behind it it was when I was a huge fan of a canadian singer.
I guess right now all my doubts reside in... will she want me? Will she not? I have a tendency to run off should I see any negative sign... I haven't had them yet.
There was this moment today where our heads got close. It was by incident, but none of stepped the head away (we were sitting on the stairs, making an animated gif with some crazy Nethack - a text-based game - screenshots). It may (and probably) have meant nothing but my mind is still spinning around.
"Wow! Everything looks so cosmic!"
I started the day thinking "I scared her off, she's trying to get away from me", when I arrived and she said (jokingly) sorry, we robbed your seat - being the other person a *hugely* nerdy guy she that she likes and I don't (oh well, we're all kind of nerds, we're on computer science for God's sake xD but that guy is waay too much). But as she passed me that sheet saying "I'm already a Master Noob" [our major's forum ranks --- we're so nerd xD] I realized that wasn't it.
I'm in love. I don't know if if my bi side was just in coma all these years, but I do know I want her. My biggest fear is how will I deal with all the emotions...
Also it's not like I'd think, 'I wish she was a guy' because I don't. Indeed I kind of even wish she won't magically turn into one
Well, I should put a small phrase to end the post. I just don't know what xD
Wed Oct 25, 2006 4:07 pm
Loretta
Joined: 25 Oct 2006
Posts: 70
Location: Somewhere.
She started dating a guy. I just found out.
Damn me, damn this all, I feel miserable, ridiculous, weird, I don't know...
None of my two best friends can be with me this afternoon so I'll have to pass trough it on my own...
Tue Oct 31, 2006 2:24 pm
Cavewoman
Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 2056
Location: nearby
Loretta.... she's dating a guy... you believe you are bi ... i repeat, they are DATING..... don't let that stop you ... if you really wanna persue her, then ask her out on a date! simply waiting, hoping, wishing without acting on your thoughts will definitely get you no where... give it a try - its why you were given life = to LIVE ! get on with it.....
(scarey yes but OH so much fun when it all starts to click) _________________ " The sorcerers in life are created within each of us" --- Lynn V. Andrews
Tue Oct 31, 2006 11:00 pm
Loretta
Joined: 25 Oct 2006
Posts: 70
Location: Somewhere.
(21:48:01) ·$,7: ohh
(21:48:05) ·$,7: era dedicado a ti
(21:48:22) ·$,7: "silly of u to think that i would ever care less about u just because of different living perspective!you're my greatest friend "
If it wasn't for them... it would be so much harder...
Both of my two best friends consider that I may be confusing feelings of admiration with feelings of passion. I don't think so. All this rollercoaster of emotions is just way too much to be only a 'confusion'.
By the way... the day before I had some fnac discount cheques and a huge time out of... 4,5 hours I guess between classes and a test, so I grabbed my guts and invited her to go with me Downtown. She said she couldn't, because the had classes (one freaking hour, I checked the timetable) and she had to go home do a lot of work bla bla bla... It was a delicate NO.
One of my friends thinks she may be the kind that takes time to give trust. That if I was at school with her and just said 'hey let's go downtown' would be more casual than me calling her on purpose; this shows that I actually want to go *with her*.
She's dating a guy she met this year, a while after meeting me (from our major's forum).
I guess there is just no hell of a chance...
Wed Nov 01, 2006 10:10 pm
ReptileDyke
Joined: 15 Nov 2006
Posts: 15
Location: NC
You can still get her, dear. No worries... she'll let go of that guy soon enough, and in the meantime, you can gain her trust and be friendly with her. I'm sure she'll think of you in the same light soon. _________________ I lied about my age...
Sun Nov 19, 2006 6:47 pm
Enigma
Joined: 27 Dec 2006
Posts: 22
Location: UK
I had to reply, even though this post is 6 weeks old.
What a very familiar tale! I had a crush on this girl. I lived with my bf of 10 years. She was engaged to be married. Neither of us had ever entertained ideas of fancying women but we fell in love - that was 14 years ago and we got 'married' a couple of weeks ago.
It is wierd but wierd things happen. I have given up working out whether I am gay, straight or bi - who cares! I fancy Brad Pitt rotten but my life partner is a woman. I can't work it out so have given up trying to label myself.
Just go with the flow
Wed Dec 27, 2006 8:35 pm
Loretta
Joined: 25 Oct 2006
Posts: 70
Location: Somewhere.
Oh girls long time no see... thanks for all your support... ^_^ so many Weird things (and I mean it with a capital W) have happened so far... I guess the only thing that is still the same is the way I feel about her.
But first things first (oh this is going to be looong), one time I asked her how did they start dating. That day (and that doesn't always happen) she opened up to me. She started out by telling me she was going through a phase where she was badly needing comfort. She used to be all the time hanging aroung with another guy (Peter) --- a true maths nerd. Oh no, wait, I actually meant THE True Maths Nerd. Somehow they got/got along really well; If I used to be jealous of someone, it was of him. It still is.
She told me Peter's really cold, and that once he denied her a hug. For what I understood it was like hugging a rock. When they met John (the boyfriend) , she out of the blue hugged him and told Peter, "See? This is how you should hug someone". Well, from that to other kinds of hugs it was just a pair of days, if that much.
(right now I am speaking with him)
In the middle of this I commented that we both knew if it wasn't for that attitude of Peter, her love life would take a totally different turn. She agreed... and then she vented. She was having doubts; it was confortable, pleasurable being with him but nothing more than that - she didn't love him, and she was blowing it all up again. It is absolutely awful to say such a thing, but (oh how the 'but' always has to kick in) if it wasn't for how miserable she was feeling I would call that my moment of glory. I was mentally cursing myself for being speaking from a distance (MSN distance), while I did my best to calm her down. Sometimes you just need to hear 'it was not your fault' repeatedly; you simply need to. She is just like me, tending to think over and over again about what we screwed up, and taking 100% of the blame for it.
She told me also that she didn't have properly a great fame in her old class because she had 4 boyfriends in the second semester of classes.
And how I was growing so jealous of Peter. When she wasn't with John, she was with him, and I was (am?...) always out of the picture.
By the way, my friends still believe I may be confusing things. I still suspect I may be confusing things. I still envy her talent for drawing - something that means so, so much to me - immensely.
Some time later a I had a surprising (and so far still one of a kind) invitation after the last class: to go to the hairdresser with her. She's told me before that depilation is awfully painful for her, and she was needing some moral support. I was also for some time thinking of dying my hair red (how I wold rather had already done that and stay with her inside while she was going through the 'torture'). After that we went to her house (first and only time) and prepared that week's lab. I had a great time, she did also I guess. She told me then the story of the 4 relationships last year; one of them left a particular mark on her (probably because the guy was the one who ended it).
I was calm, I was content and convinced I just wanted her friendship after all. She decided she'd stay with John, I decided to just pursue her friendship.
But it's like a drug; I feel that I need her so much when she's not there, and to me that is almost all the time (I'm listening to t.A.T.u. - yay, how cliché).
The RNL is in our university major like the pool bar at one of my best friend's hometown: a place where you find virtually everyone you know. This one time I was in a computer room next to John. I realized that inadvertedly I looked at something I shouldn't, when I was going to make a comment I can't recall and Ann answered that it was a private issue. That night I got to know what was going on: they broke up. The next day (in which curiously I found John again) he was clrearly trying to refrain himself from crying.
She broke up with him because she couldn't stand being with a guy and thinking of another one. Who? Peter of course...
...And then I thought, 'I knew it'. I did knew it, from the beggining.
I was dying of jealousy and just can't stand the guy (don't get me wrong, he's much probably a good person and all that, but... I don't like him! Razz), yet I gave her all my support. I didn't really feel jealous at all when talking with her about him - it felt so good her opening up with me. I started feeling like Tomoyo from CCS... lol
Way too much still to be told, but I'd better post this and continue later***
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". She said it was not because of that reason, but she wouldn't be telling why. I pushed the talk in a way to mean had *no* problem with what she 'wasn't going to tell'. She said
but my life partner is a woman. I can't work it out so have given up trying to label myself.
