Hi all,
Im new to this forum and hopefully this will be the place to get long needed advice.
A brief rundown of my situation sorry if it goes on a bit, its complicated.
I have always had b/f but had past lesbian experiences since about 13 yrs old.
Last year i suffered domestic violence from my then partner of 5 yrs and moved back to my home town and into a womens refuge where i met a girl, same age as me, obviously there for the same reasons i was, we got on really well and because we had both been through the same became very close and supportive to each other. She has been a lesbian for some time and i became more and more attracted to her, we started a sexual relationship and we both enjoyed it immensely, although she did say one day she didnt want a full on relationship just fun, i loved her and wanted more, we stopped seein each other coz of this, but a week later she finally admitted that she wanted it as much as me, god i was so happy and we had some amazing times.
She had a split personality (i think this is what attracted me to her too) she was so loving & caring yet she was rough & tough sometimes too much, we led very different lifestyles.
Once we were officially an item i wanted to tell the world, proud to say she was mine, that i was gay and thats what i did i told my friends, my dad and then my mum!
My mum wasnt at all pleased and made it so hard for me i think the 3 main things were because she was a woman and she is half cast (never bothered me) and that she thought my kids would suffer. Mum just never seemed to understand or see i was happy and was proud to be who i was for once in my whole shit life.
In the end mum dropped it on me that it was my girlfriend or her. I didnt speak to mum for days, and my g/f was so supportive, i had such a close relationship with my mum and it hurt soo much to consider giving it up, so in the end it put a strain on us and i ended it with my g/f,
A few months passed and i finally got my own house but became ill and hospitalized soon after i moved in, being alone with my kids, my ex helped out, but because i was low i fell back into his trap and with the eager persuasion from my mum we were back together, once i fully recovered i hated what mistake i had made. i even stopped taking my contaceptive pill so i had a good excuse not to have to have sex with him.
I spent endless nights thinking of my g/f but also feeling guilty as if i shouldnt, we still kept in touch as friends, i even managed to go to a Pink gig with her a few weeks back in secret.
I have just (last saturday) managed to get rid of my ex again after all this time.
But now my g/f has changed so much she is taking drugs and getting into endless trouble, this is not my kind of lifestyle and although i would love her as she was i dont think it would work out.
I feel i am obsessed and screaming inside to love a woman and for a woman to love me but feel i have to secretly admire women from afar and can not genuinely talk about things to my mum because i know her reaction and how she will make me feel.
I dont want a man, they have nothing to offer me, but at the same time cannot live without my mums love and support.
What do i do?
Sorry its really long i have tried to narrow it down as much as possible.
Tue Nov 21, 2006 10:28 pm
FarinelliLily
Joined: 04 Mar 2006
Posts: 9
Location: London, UK
They will come around....
Sorry for your predicament Mandy.....it is never easy. I'm lucky that my mum and family were so good about it - I finally came out properly on Xmas day 2005 although had dabbled knowingly before as a 'phase'. My GF now has some similar issues with her mother....it is breaking her heart, and I have even thought myself I should step off and let the familial rifts heal rather than be the one leg in this problem.
However, I believe truly that time mends everything. She will come around...it may take time, patience, persistance, kindness, humility and understanding...but at the end of the day I refuse to believe it is black & white.
Be yourself I say, and your mum will start to accept your decisions in time. IT wont be easy, but it will happen. As for the GF situation, I would cut your losses and go seeking. It is not a great idea to get into another potentially damaging relationship. The drug taking is a big indication to steer clear as the mind altering potential may lead to power struggles. AFter your Ex, I think you deserve better.
Only you can give yourself the credence and respect you deserve - others will follow suit if you own it. Be yourslef always, and let the rest come around.
Good luck . _________________ It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before... . And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anais Nin
Tue Nov 21, 2006 11:32 pm
mandy1979
Joined: 21 Nov 2006
Posts: 10
Thanks FarinelliLily,
Firstly for taking time out to read my post, I know your right about the g/f and the drug taking i need to stay clear of this not just for my children but me aswell, it is definately not my scene and i couldnt cope with another potentially damaging relationship as you say.
I have been to see my councillor who i see once a fortnight today and we had such a great consultation, we looked deeper into my issues about male/female relationships, and what i was deperately seeking, i wanted to scream my whole feelings at her for her to advise me on answers to my many questions, but we ran out of time but she sure hit on a big part of my confused life that we are going to be following our conversation on next time (i cant wait)
She said being deprived of happiness by my mum is unfair and a hard thing to deal with because of such a close relationship i have with my mum but i am still entitled to live my life as i want and seek what ever makes me happiest even if it is loving a woman. This is easier said than done but thats what were working towards.
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