Hi. I'm 24 years old, and am starting to consider coming out. All my friends think I'm straight, as I've only been solwly admitting to myself that I'm not for the past year or so. I feel like I've come to a point where I can't deny it and would like to start dating women and so, I feel like I need to set things straight with some of the important people in my life. Right now I feel like I'm lying to them and hiding a part of myself from them, and I don't like it. My problem is that even though I feel like I should tell them, I'm terrified to! I'm afriad that they will be upset, or that it will change how they see me and that they won't care about me any more. Does anyone have any advice on how and when to tell people?
Also, living in rural Vermont (and the one gay bar in the area has recently closed!), I'm not really sure where to meet other women. Any ideas?
Sun Jul 30, 2006 9:47 pm
Xalia1 Moderators
Joined: 05 May 2004
Posts: 3702
Location: In love
Bear,
I am not certain that there is any "one" way to come out...
But my advice is to maybe come out slowly. Do you have a friend that is closer to you than any other? Or a family member that you trust? Maybe by sharing your feelings with someone that you feel close to and that you know won't judge you will make things easier. I know that I had one friend that helped me through everything when I finally decided to come out. That made it easier, and it would have been so much worse had she not been there.
I wish you luck hun. Take care.
Hugs,
Xalia _________________ Nobody said life would be easy...They just promised it would be worth it.
~♥♥~
~The words fail me.. because what I feel for you is beyond description...~
Sun Jul 30, 2006 10:04 pm
DamagedGoods
Joined: 13 May 2006
Posts: 550
Bear,
I agree with Xalia. I would also choose the first person carefully. If they are someone who will support you they can be invaluable in both building confidence and helping you when you choose to tell others.
I would also offer you the mind over matter motto that I truly believe in... 'Those that mind, don't matter and those that matter won't mind'. True friends love you for who you are, not who they want you to be. I am blessed with amazing friends that made this much easier for me.
Thanks for that advice. I do have two friends who know... not because I came out to them- they kind of pulled me out. Both of them knew and knew I needed to talk about it. They've been supportive, but both of them have just kind of always been out, so they don't really see it as a big deal.
How do you chose who to tell first? I love my friends all dearly, but I really don't know how any of them will react, and that scares me. Also, a lot of them are friends with each other, and even married to each other, so coming out slowly is going to be tricky!!
How do you even iniate that kind of a conversation with someone? I mean, saying oh hey, just so you know, I like women, doesn't seem like a very good way to not freak them out. How do you bring it up gently?
I guess the whole mind over matter idea that you mentioned is what I need to come to terms with.
Thanks again for the replies. It's so good to talk to someone about it.
Mon Jul 31, 2006 11:47 pm
P-Chanmisao
Joined: 08 Jun 2006
Posts: 75
Location: Colorado
Saying "Hey, I'm bi." is the hardest thing I have ever done every time I do it, and I have yet to find a way to get around that fear. However, I have yet to have anyone reject me for it. The first person I told was my best friend, who was in the gay-straight allience in our school and is currently questioning her sexuality. Even though I knew she would be supportive, I was scared like nothing else. I called her asking for moral support, and when she asked what for, I told her for telling my parents I'm bi. There was just a second of silence before she started cheering and saying "You can do it!" With another friend, while we were chatting, she mentioned that she had started seeing someone. Afterwords, I said "While we're on the track of romance. . . ." and just told her. My parents got more of a "Sit down. I have something to tell you." It is hard to just work it into a conversation, but sometimes, when it's someone who you feel should know, you have to just throw it out there. Yes, it is frightening, and there are some people whom I will never tell. However, it is a wonderful feeling to know that your friends know who you truly are and support you on it. I can only hope that you have the same sucess with the people you know! Oh, and welcome to Mels! _________________ Smile, it'll brighten someone's day!
Tue Aug 01, 2006 12:49 pm
Guest
Thanks for that advice. I know there are people I need to open up to about this. I'm just so scared that the reactions I'm going to get won't be so positive!
Can I ask another question... or maybe more than that. What you guys came out to your friends- did any of them feel like you had been lying to them? I'm afraid that my best friend is going to feel that way. I'm also afraid of my female friends feeling uncomfertable around me or thinking that I'm interested in them as more than friends. That seems like it would put a stain on any friendship!
I'm so happy I found this website. It's so good to have a place to ask these questions!
Sun Aug 06, 2006 10:46 pm
P-Chanmisao
Joined: 08 Jun 2006
Posts: 75
Location: Colorado
Well, to make things easy, the answer to all of your questions is no. I have never had anyone express anything negative to me, even though it took me a while to tell people. Personaly, rather than viewing it as hiding who you are, it seems more like this is a side of ones personality which just takes a fair ammount of time to reveal itself. When you tell people, they are just learning more about you. Hmm, I don't know if that makes any sense, but I hope it helps some.
As for it putting a strain on friendship, again, I have never had this happen. I'm a huggy, touchy, feely person, and my friends know that. I still hug and snuggle with them, but everyone knows that it is just between friends. The only akward time I had with this was right after I told my best friend. She was dropping me off at my house, and I always hug her goodbye. However, I wasn't sure if I should, if it would be weird. Before I could make any decision, she just reached over and hugged me, saying bye. It was exactly the same as before, and I haven't worried about it since.
I was positive that telling people would change my relationships with them forever. However, (with the exception of my father, who took about a day to cope) nobody has ever acted differently around me or seemed to expect me to act differently. I guess that the best advice I can give is that, if you act like it is weird, people will think it is weird. However, if you are calm about it, and accept it as a normal part of who you are, people will see that you are still you, no matter whom you love. No matter what, just don't let yourself feel akward about it, and people will follow your example. _________________ Smile, it'll brighten someone's day!
How do you even iniate that kind of a conversation with someone? I mean, saying oh hey, just so you know, I like women, doesn't seem like a very good way to not freak them out. How do you bring it up gently?
That is something I wish I knew right now! I've had a hard time telling my own friends the best month or two, and out of those I did tell many didn't even believe me. Why would I joke anbout something like that? _________________ ~ A woman should be an illusion. (Albert Einstein) ~
~ Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. (Mark Twain) ~
Tue Aug 08, 2006 5:58 am
Sar_bear
Joined: 30 Jul 2006
Posts: 6
It's so great to talk to someone who is actually able to respond to the things I'm worried about. Being a person who is very physically expressive was one of my concerns. I touch and hug my friends all the time and I don't want them to question why.
Everything you said makes a lot of sense, esspacally about not looking at is as hiding- just as being a part of me that's taken longer to show itself.
Thanks so much for responding to my questions. It really is helpful!!
Sat Aug 12, 2006 3:32 pm
P-Chanmisao
Joined: 08 Jun 2006
Posts: 75
Location: Colorado
I'm so glad to hear it was useful! _________________ Smile, it'll brighten someone's day!
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I have never had anyone express anything negative to me, even though it took me a while to tell people. Personaly, rather than viewing it as hiding who you are, it seems more like this is a side of ones personality which just takes a fair ammount of time to reveal itself. When you tell people, they are just learning more about you. Hmm, I don't know if that makes any sense, but I hope it helps some.
Why would I joke anbout something like that?
I'm so glad to hear it was useful!
